Meth Relapse

[DanTheMan]

It's been 7 months since I last used meth. 7 months since my last meth induced psychotic episode. I was doing so well. About 2 weeks ago the cravings began again. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I gave in last Monday and shot up a couple of points. 

 

Had another psychotic episode. MAJOR. I was receiving hypnotic commands again, being absolutely humiliated by the voices. They were inflicting physical pain. I could feel it. I still feel that there was some reality to it all. I can't shake the feeling that I WAS hypnotized, that the voices were real. Like it was some weird demented intervention? I dunno.

 

My parents took me to the hospital where I was involuntarily sectioned under the mental health act. I was in the ward for 4 days. Just got out today. I am still under their control to ensure I am taking all my medication and that I don't relapse.

 

They changed my anti-psychotic to Abilify. They warn me that if I experience another psychotic episode that I might not recover. That might just be scare tactics.

 

They asked me if I will ever do meth again. I honestly don't know the answer to that. For so long I was sure that I would never touch the stuff again. But in a matter of weeks my resolve faded. I know I don't want to do meth again, I know it makes crazy. But now I don't trust myself enough to say that I'll never do it again. I know me. I'm weak. Just a lost cause.

 

I feel like such a douche posting on crazyboards. My mental illness is all self inflicted. And I continue to self inflict. And probably will again and again and again.

 

 

[mcjimjam]

I last used meth 5 years ago, but I haven't ever thought, "I will never do it ever again". I just take it one day at a time. It's too stressful to think about "forever". I'm not going to use today, and that's enough of a commitment.

[IndieVisible]

It's hard breaking from drugs like meth and crack. I was doing crack before it was called crack and we all had to bake our own coke to make the crack rocks. So trust me I know it's hard. I went to Narcotics anonymous and that made me feel worse. I sat there and listened to everyone's relapses. I asked myself what I am doing here when I could be out relapsing. So I quite the meetings. I friend of my a former heroine addict told me how she quit. Cold turkey! Heroine is hands down the hardest drug to stop the withdrawals of hell. I have seen people go thru it, it's psychical withdrawal. But she told me she totally hit rock bottom, hooking for dope, arms all scabbed up, she looked sickly thin. She did it! Likewise I quit my crack habit cold turkey. They told me I could never drink or be around any trigger. I said fuck them, they don't know me. I want back to a crack house took one hit smiled and left and never looked back. I still drink too. But I will be honest with you even after 20 years I can still taste and smell the crack andeven have a dream about iyty once in while.

 

Trust me friend, if you really, really want to quit it is verry possible! What kept me off crack is I would remember the crash and depression.

[MiaB]

Goddammit, we've heard this from you before Indie.  In one big long fucking thread.   These posts from you really make me see red! Please stop dishing out the advice that everyone can just quit cold turkey! We're just not all as fucking amazing as you!

 

And it's spelled heroin, not heroine, ffs!

 

**

DanTheMan, you are NOT a douche for posting here.  Keep talking to us!
 

[WinterRosie]

You're not a douche. CB exists for support and you came looking for support. So, you're using the site as intended. What's douchy about that? My MI was caused by life as well. Does that mean I shouldn't be here?

 

I quit heroin 10-15 years ago and I still don't think that it's a forever quit. Forever is just far too long to think about. I could still relapse if the opportunity presented itself. That doesn't make me, nor you, a lost cause. It just means that it's a really strong addiction and it's tough to break.

 

I don't think that telling you that you risk permanent psychosis is a scare tactic, though. Repeated experiences rewire our brains, and if you make it psychotic enough times it might just rewire itself to allow for more psychosis in the future. That's why you hear about people who do acid and then end up having hallucinations for the rest of their life. Well, the same holds true for meth.

And I don't think that you want to find out anyway.

 

I think that, while you are in this place where you don't want to use again, you should make a list about all the reasons why not. And give it to people. You can post it here, too. That way you'll have something to refer to when you get urges. 

Do you have support right now? Maybe they could help you make that list.

[jt07]

Congratulations that you were able to make it 7 months! It's very hard. Some people like Indie can just decide not to do it anymore, but the vast majority struggle with it. The important thing is that you are struggling with it and not giving in to it. I'm sure that you will come off it, and the psychosis will resolve. Don't beat yourself up. You are making progress. Seven months is great. You know that you can do it.

[sonicwhite]

NO! you really might not recover.....Listen fill those thoughts of meth craving's with hobbies as boring as that sounds. Your mind is at a fagile state right now. Even stress can draw some of it out.....I have yet to meet anyone that can match me on my meth psychosis but thats not to boast....I am really scared that if I give in to those cravings then I'm going to have a massive panic attack that will in turn turn into a psychosis. They ain't playing....I know what magical thinking feels like. The meth did this and has turned on you and you have to accept that you can never do it again.

[DanTheMan]

 

Do you have support right now? Maybe they could help you make that list.

 

I've been discharged from IP but am still on a community order to ensure I take my meds and don't relapse. Part of that order is case management for a few months. Tomorrow I will see 2 case workers, one for the drugs and one for the psychosis. Hopefully that will do some good.

[DanTheMan]

Thanks for your input guys. It really helped. I went to case management today. I'm confident that I won't relapse now. Back on the wagon.

[WinterRosie]

Yay! This sounds positive!

Weak moments and struggles are part of sobriety. Maybe now that you're back on the wagon with renwed vigour you can work with case management to figure out some coping strategies in case those moments of weakness happen again?

[Therteplied]

Wow, 7 months (or 8 now?) clean is a good achievement already. Keep us updated okay?

[Broken_Pieces]

I'm trying to get off meth right now. I never tried any drugs as a teen not even weed. Then as an adult the very first drug I tried was heroin. Odd huh? Then i tried meth and for me meth is the hardest to stop. I was only going to try it once...then it turned into 9 months of several times a day. I want out of this so badly. I don't even know why I am doing it. I'm not enjoying it. What is the fucking pay off?? 

[DanTheMan]

Yep. There is no "pay off" Not with meth. You need to remember that no matter what, it will never feel as good as you think it will. That, plus all the mental side effects. It get's to a point where it doesn't feel good any more... you will never get the hit any more...those days are gone.

 

I am still sober...still get intense cravings but I can control them now. I am sorry I have no advice on how you can try to quit. My path involved several psychotic eps and a trip to the mental ward before I finally quit.I hope you find a way that is not as destructive as mine was. 

[WinterRosie]

Dan, I'm glad that you're able to control the cravings more now. 

[Broken_Pieces]

Thanks Dan. I appreciate the support! The weird thing is, when I said there is no pay off, I meant there never was. I mean, thats why I'm totally confused. I never felt that hit people talk about. I never felt anything other than an odd compulsion to do more. It never kept me awake, never curbed my appetite, never gave me ambition, never made me work on projects for hours, never gave me energy.....nothing. No high. No euphoria. No pleasure or happy feeling. Absolutely nothing. Just a complulsion to do it again and again. It make zero sense! With Heroin I felt high, it killed pain, there was a pay off. Yet, I was able to endure the pain of Heroin withdrawal and quit with little difficulty. Well it wasn't easy but comparatively to my struggle with Meth easier. Then I do this drug that seems to have no effect at all on me from the very beginning and I am so compelled to do it again that I'm addicted for 9 months so far? Where is this compullsion coming from? Why would I do something that never gave me a reward? Other people talk about what is does for them and I wonder why I never felt that. Its not that I didn't do enough for it to work either. I used to hang out at the dealer house and use over and over all day sometimes. Everyone else there would say they had enough eventually and I would keep going because I still felt nothing.  Even the dealer would comment on how its odd that I could handle so much because I'm not very big. Yet, normal pulse, normal blood pressure, ect. Then I'd leave, go eat and go home and go to sleep like normal. There would sometimes be enough Meth in me to get ten people high and I felt nothing. I have never had psychotic symptoms or rapid speech either, well not from Meth. Prior to ever having used drugs I had a psychotic episode caused from Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features. Not on Meth though. So my problem here is...how the F do I stop doing something if I don't even know why I do it and I feel nothing but compulsion? Its feels more like trying to quit OCD than Meth (I imagine, though I don't have OCD so can't be sure). Any thoughts?

[DanTheMan]

Man.... I can't really relate... or comprehend. It really has no affect on you? I don't want to be triggery (to myself aswell) but I was addicted to the rush. At least you don't have that. Maybe it will be easier for you to just let it go? If it is not triggering your reward pathways then really all you are doing is poisoning yourself. And for what? Nothing. 

[Broken_Pieces]

exactly...nothing, but i try and try to stop and feel compelled so badly that i keep doing it without understanding why. It feels beyond insane. i can't wrap my mind around it and its me. i have no idea what to do.

[MiaB]

exactly...nothing, but i try and try to stop and feel compelled so badly that i keep doing it without understanding why. It feels beyond insane. i can't wrap my mind around it and its me. i have no idea what to do.

 

You need help - professional help.  Even if you say it's not "doing" anything for you, you are still trapped in a cycle of compulsion to use and honestly, it really sounds as though you need someone to intervene and help you get clean.  Going from your other posts on the board, you're obviously desperately unhappy right now, and the meth really can't be helping.  It may even be having a paradoxical effect and feeding your depression and urges to hurt yourself. 

 

Talking this out on the boards is good, it's positive to reach out to us online, but I very, very strongly recommend that you try to get face-to-face, professional assistance with this.  Whether this means talking to a therapist, to your psychiatrist, actual IP rehab, or a 12-step or related group, please do something.  You don't have be this miserable. I promise.  I'll even say it again.  You do not have to be this miserable.

[Broken_Pieces]

Thanks. I literally physically can't right now though. I can't leave my bed because of injuries so I can't go to groups or something. I would have no way to get there and even if I could I would have no way to walk or sit in a chair. To attempt to get there would be excruciating. I'm honestly not making excuses on this one. I really am badly hurt and it is agony just to shift positions in bed at this point. I would be forced to quit if a certain person weren't so willing to being them to me.