Jemini Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 This has been moved from the whatever board as per the original poster's request by groovyone. As some who know me know, and all who don't don't, I've been struggling for some time to work my way off meds, with fits and starts and mixed success. I'm down to just Clonazepam (generic Klonopin), currently at just .25 mg, twice a day. The final stretch from some to none is the hardest it seems, and I'm having some mild symptoms at this low dosage that are unpleasant. Anyway since I've always been helped by meditation, writing, and anything else that brings awareness and expression to what I'm experiencing, and also since many have brought up the difficulties with benzo dependence recently, I thought I'd write here about what I'm going through. Feel free to chime in with whatever you like. So since dropping from .75 to .5 (a 33% reduction), I've been able to go to work, maintain a fairly positive mood, and have only gotten really agitated when dealing with my mother a couple of times (nothing new there). Nothing feels like it's sliding downhill, but I find I'm having some difficulty being articulate when speaking, which is probably a mirror of somewhat disorganized thought processes. Writing in my journal I see my handwriting deteriorating. Today, Saturday, I keep thinking I've decided what to do with my day and then I change my mind, the result of which is I've been up for over 6 hours and haven't showered or left the apartment. Very slight anxiety and creeping concerns about my financial, social, love, familial, and career prospects come up, but I'm basically able to remind myself that I'm doing what I can with these things and that some of the extra anxiety is withdrawal from the medication. By doing this I am able to calm myself and feel fine. When I sit still or am in a quiet activity like reading, I notice that I can hear an audible white noise in my head. But no ringing in the ears, and my body isn't oversensitive, like when I can't stand to have bare arms or legs touching each other. I've had those withdrawal symptoms in the past, going off the drug more quickly. My ability to concentrate on reading or making plans for the day is right in line with the concept that there's too much noise in my head. I read a page, then want to close my eyes and rest a bit. I watched TV this morning for a while but eventually decided I was just stalling. The overall effect of the withdrawal, which fits the understood neurology of benzos, is that my mind/brain is too noizy, too easily shaken from baseline by any sort of stimulous. So I tend to avoid other people, not engage in anything requiring too much concentration, and keep wanting to sleep, sleep being one way the body restores balance. I meditated a bit half an hour ago, and was surprised just how hard it was to focus on my breath for even 5 breaths at a time, and by how many large emotional issues jumped into consciousness immediately, including my ex who I haven't thought about too much in the last year. After meditating, the white noise was gone and I felt a little rested, but still hesitant to shower, get dressed, and go do something with my day. I believe I need to get out and get some stimulation, even as part of the adjustment to being off the drug. To upregulate my GABA receptors or whatever. But I don't seem to be motivating. Most of these effects are more pronounced late in the day, when I've only had my morning dose. I often don't take my second half a pill until late in the evening. On a positive note, I haven't been at this low a dose in a year (when a crazy pdoc decided to stop me cold having just met me), and I've been far more unsettled when tapering down to slightly higher doses. I guess I'm wrestling with myself too about the fact that I told my mother I'd go rake her yard this weekend, and a friend from my acting class left a message saying to give him a call and maybe hang out, and I told another friend from a support group that I'd contact him about getting together this weekend (something we've never done), and I can't figure out if I want to see *anyone* or if I'd rather sleep, go to the bookstore, go out for a long walk (it's cold but sunny), or attempt to work on some writing and research at the library. Even the long walk feels somehow like it's too taxing, but I don't know how much of that is conditioned helplessness and how much is legitimate need to not get too stimulated right now. As crazy as that sounds. Such are benzos. Overall, I feel decent. I'm glad I'm posting this. But I wish I felt more up to being around people. I don't want to be incoherent around anyone. Plus the friend from my acting class would likely be wanting to drink and or get high, and as much as that might make me relax, it's probably counterproductive. Thanks for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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