confused

[draces2001]

Hi,

 

oh so i know that I have had depression my whole life and i am not confused about that i am more confused on what i have started to do.... ok so i am in the military and am married with three kids and i have been in for almost ten years and have been deployed six times but this last deployment has been extra hard on me i mean seeing your kids grow up with out you and missing so much that this one has really hit me.  my depression does not hit all the time i can be fine one minute and something can happen randomly and it will trigger it and it lasts for one to three sometimes four weeks and it can varry in streangth.  the last one went pretty dark and lasted for almost three weeks but that is not what i am confused about i am always confused about what my body is feeling and well let just say not the brightest tool in the shed.... what i am confused about is with this one i was getting deeper and deeper into my depresion i was pondering cutting which i have never done before but this episode was really bad and well.... i started cutting alittle i was doing it on my hand and made a happy face..... and i got to thinking which let me tell is not always a good thing that i was just doing it to play like a game and i dont know why i feel that way because it is not why i did it. i did it because it would take my mind off what i was feeling and it worked when ever i would feel my self going i could feel the cuts i did alittle on my arm to because i am in the military and dont want to get into trouble.  i never understand my body and what it is doing.  i dont know if this is the bigging of something worse or not becasue i am on deployment right know and i told my wife that if it got really bad i would come home but i dont know if that is a sign of it getting worse or not.  i am on meds right know (zoloft) and it worked for a little bit for the first time when i got sad i didn't think of wanting to hurt or kill my self and i didn't know that you can actualy feel sad and not have all those other thoughts which frelt really good almost freeing but it didn't last long. is there ever going to be a way where i can feel like that everyday??

 

[Jessamine]

It's important to remember that everyone has ups and downs. Even people who don't suffer depression. Not every day can be a happy holiday. That being said, yes, I believe you can reach a stable state where you feel better more often than not.

You are in a really difficult situation and I imagine face frightening things on a daily basis. There is no shame at all in seeking help and if you are self injuring I think now is the time to do so. It may be a case of a medication change, sometimes you need to take a higher dose after a while and often therapy is needed to go along with the medication.

I'm sorry you feel so confused and lost. Definitely seek some professional help. I'm sure the military have services available to help you, things like anxiety and depression often come with the territory of fighting for your country and they are there for you to use.

[whatfcknvoices]

Draces what can i say except i can sympathise and empathise with what you are feeling - i know what it's like to be fucked up on deployment. I know that in theatre you can't get access to help and that the "help" that is there can, and most likely fuck your career for good. We both know it's not as simple as seeing an MO - but somebody has prescribed you the Zoloft, so at least you are not flying under the radar, can you confide in them ? or your platoon or company commander or possibly your senior NCO ? You might need to get the dose tweaked or med changed just to even things out until you can get home or make a decision about what is right for you.

 

I kept vampire hours and did nightly ops for 9 months straight which was my final straw after 8 years of back to back rotations, i graduated to RR with a .357 with the faint wish it would ease the void. Then i started to take risks, stupid risks when a trigger came up, just for the high to ease the darkness and feel alive.

 

Any friends you can trust ? Message me if you need to vent, i've been where you are now and if i can help i will.

What branch are you in ? i do know people who have helped me that have contacts outside that you can talk to confidentially with no fear of reprisals or damaging those 10 years if you are a lifer.

 

After 6 deployments there is no shame in saying enough - i didn't and i am paying a hefty price now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time and a little help to get there.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hello and Welcome to Crazyboards!

 

Thank you for your service.  I'm sorry you are experiencing deep depressions and the need to cut.  I'm not familiar with procedures in the service, but is there someone you can turn to for help?

 

If you didn't do so when you signed up, please read the User Agreement.  It just helps make sure we're all on the same page.

 

I hope CB is a helpful place for you.

[draces2001]

Thank you guys so much for your quick responese and much need advice it is alot of help.

I am in the navy and my first deployment was two years and the five after where seven months and this one is nine. the deployment before this one me and my wife almost got a divorce thank god we wait to deside until after I got back and we where able to mend things.  I want to up my meds but the rule when your deployed in the Arabian Gulf is that if you get your meds changed you become un-deployable for three months after they are changed in any way.  I don't want the end result to be rainbows and sugar i know thats not possible i just want to be able to feel sad or upset but not have thoughts of hurting my self to follow behind.  i really apreciate all the advise and quick responsise thank you.