Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Fear that people will leave you if you relapse


Recommended Posts

I don't know where to put this, i think it applies to any MI, but anyway does anyone worry about this? Is your family or loved ones or friends supportive no matter what stage you are at? Have people left you when you weren't doing well?

 

I'm doin well right now, pychotic symptoms abated. Its been so nice, people acting like they love and trust me again and that they are proud of me like they haven't been in the past. Started feeling safe and accepted, but I wonder if this is conditional? Would that go away if I were to have symptoms again and is it unfair or unethical of me to expect people to stick around through that? I always found it cruel but maybe it is the other person's right for self-preservation to leave an ustable person?

 

My boyfriend and I were talking and I told him about a friend of mine with bipolar who just went off meds and started getting manic/psychotic, they were almost arrested for causing a scene in public. My boyfriend stopped me and looked at me and said, "You know if you ever do something like that I'm going to have to leave you, right?" 

 

It was very unexpected to me. I found it a little disappointing, I would like to know that people I am supposed to rely on will be there even if I end up needing help again. But maybe that doesn't happen or maybe it is not right of me to expect that of people. Its just a very scary thought that a person like a significant other or family could abandon someone because they need help. If I ever stop doing well or stop taking my meds, I will be alone. Boyfriend looks at me as if the worst is gone, i took the meds, now I'm cured but sometimes things happen. He has epilepsy, he takes meds, sometimes he still seizes. I feel like its a double standard.

Edited by kitkatt91
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry your boyfriend said that, kitkatt! Disappointing is right. I doubt he would actually leave you if you had a relapse but it would be good to talk about it again sometime when things are relaxed and you're getting along well. Definitely bring up the double standard, it sounds like he maybe needs some more educating on MI?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have the same fear.  That's why I have to act like things are normal, so my parents think it's all taken care of.  They don't understand, and sometimes my mom asks me if I need a med adjustment when I start acting out of sorts.

 

It's really disheartening to think that my family will leave, like my brother and sister have.  They even mock MI some of the time.  It's really quite sad.

Edited by whatsizbucket
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I doubt that your boyfriend would leave you if you had a relapse, but I think the problem is if you stop taking your meds. Look at it this way, if a person you loved had a treatable disease (doesn't matter, mental or physical) but they chose to stop treatment, what would you do? Maybe it would say to them that you don't love them enough to even take care of yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm not going to lie to you: they do often leave. 

 

but the ones who stay...holy shit. they make it worthwhile to know people at all

 

i think it's good that he's honest

 

i also think that all relationships...all you can do is be honest about your needs and what you can give. but when/if the time came it's possible he wouldn't leave.

 

perhaps think about what you need and what you can give and communicate that and know you're doing all you can do really...?

 

i think you're wonderful though and walking out because you relapse says more about the other than about you x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that was pretty cruel of your boyfriend to say that, IMO. I agree with Jt07 that perhaps it more of a matter of him being afraid you'll stop your meds. Though, I know when psychosis hits, sometimes one loses insight and stops their meds cause they think they don't need them. I sympathize with that. But you sound like you have pretty good insight.

 

Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about this some more. Maybe tell him how you feel it's a double standard and, your illness isn't any more controllable than his epilepsy. Sometimes our illnesses make us do questionable things. That's out of our control. However, it's sometimes hard for loved ones to understand that. We can't just snap out of it, we really have no control/possibly very little control over how we act in psychosis. 

 

I worry about my boyfriend leaving my crazy ass. I worry someday he'll think I'm just too crazy to love, and that it's too much work to manage me when I'm ill (which thankfully is more rare nowadays). He also gets really frustrated due to my lack of insight when hypomanic and psychotic. I worry he'll blame me for actions I can't control. However, he has proven that he loves me very much and hasn't left me. 

 

I also agree with Mell. The ones that stick with you through the crazy are the keepers. And you deserve that kind of love and compassion. 

Edited by Parapluie
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I doubt that your boyfriend would leave you if you had a relapse, but I think the problem is if you stop taking your meds. Look at it this way, if a person you loved had a treatable disease (doesn't matter, mental or physical) but they chose to stop treatment, what would you do? Maybe it would say to them that you don't love them enough to even take care of yourself.

 

i don't think it's as simple as you make that sound--it defo isn't for me at all--but anyone who would view my discontinuations from that perspective and not consider other factors...i don't need that kind of relationship i spose.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone, this was really helpful. I feel pretty good talking to him so I think I will find a way/opportunity to bring it up.  I know he doesn't want to marry me because over the years I haven't been seen as very "marriable", I haven't been very good over the years and I can see that the way I have been has been very stressful to him. I guess I just viewed things differently than him, I would stay with him no matter what even if he ended up a vegetable because I think I could handle that emotional burden, but maybe he could't handle the emotional burden of me "going crazy". I think maybe he was trying to be callous because I know the past years were very painful to him.

 

Para, I relate a lot, I guess this hit home because I have that insecurity too, I'm embarrassed I haven't been a very good partner, that one day he'll realize he wasted his youth on a relationship with me when he could have been with an easier person. Or that years from now he'll be dissatisfied with the progress I have made and leave.

 

I agree I should stay on meds, I really do, we talk about it all the time that he needs his meds just like I need mine. It is hard though. I wouldn't want to disappoint him or my doctors though, I'm very scared of disappointing people and being left by them. I forgot my meds before and my doctor told me I was "sabotaging" myself so I have not wanted to do that, it would be really painful to know that people would look down on my not taking meds, it would be sabotage. I know people would look at it as a very selfish thing to do. That doesn't undermine how difficult it still is sometimes. I don't want to lie because the thought comes,, I have a poor track record with compliance because I think that the medication is poisoning me and its very hard to keep taking it and push the idea that its going to kill me out of my head, I don't even take cold medicines! I do get scared, I can't predict my mindset, if I have to take meds for the rest of my life that is a long time and what if one day I did get too scared of the poisoning and stop? Or what if I forgot? Or any number of scenario between now and however long. Or if the meds stopped working? I tend to have to keep upping the dose and adding things already. I do have good insight, I think I always do and I am lucky for it but of course if I mess up then I'm doubly responsible!.

 

I would be very sad if he left me because of one of those reasons. I lost a lot of friends this way, the ones that stuck around are so amazing in my eyes...my boyfriend was always in that category. I guess I never considered him having a breaking point, which was maybe very wrong of me to take for granted. 

Edited by kitkatt91
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find that when I am stressed out and having a "bad" day, where I am clearly struggling, there are a couple DRs who tend to back off.  And until the next time I see them and be "normal," it is awkward. 

 

With this one particular DR, I was really stressed about something and it clearly showed.  The next appt I made with her it was totally obvious she was keeping her distance.  She did NOT want to be there.  That was confirmed by the way she was interacting with me, then her suggesting I see her colleague.  But eventually after seeing I had returned to "normal" again once the appt ended, she said, "I'm glad you came in ..."  and tapped me on the knee, as if to say, "Ok, I can deal with you now."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find that when I am stressed out and having a "bad" day, where I am clearly struggling, there are a couple DRs who tend to back off.  And until the next time I see them and be "normal," it is awkward. 

 

With this one particular DR, I was really stressed about something and it clearly showed.  The next appt I made with her it was totally obvious she was keeping her distance.  She did NOT want to be there.  That was confirmed by the way she was interacting with me, then her suggesting I see her colleague.  But eventually after seeing I had returned to "normal" again once the appt ended, she said, "I'm glad you came in ..."  and tapped me on the knee, as if to say, "Ok, I can deal with you now."

 

That's got to be awkward, was that a DR you had seen for long? You would thnk in that profession they would have a better poker face, but I've def experienced that with my current pdoc, too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree I should stay on meds, I really do, we talk about it all the time that he needs his meds just like I need mine. It is hard though. I wouldn't want to disappoint him or my doctors though, I'm very scared of disappointing people and being left by them. I forgot my meds before and my doctor told me I was "sabotaging" myself so I have not wanted to do that, it would be really painful to know that people would look down on my not taking meds, it would be sabotage. I know people would look at it as a very selfish thing to do. That doesn't undermine how difficult it still is sometimes. I don't want to lie because the thought comes,, I have a poor track record with compliance because I think that the medication is poisoning me and its very hard to keep taking it and push the idea that its going to kill me out of my head, I don't even take cold medicines! I do get scared, I can't predict my mindset, if I have to take meds for the rest of my life that is a long time and what if one day I did get too scared of the poisoning and stop? Or what if I forgot? Or any number of scenario between now and however long. Or if the meds stopped working? I tend to have to keep upping the dose and adding things already. I do have good insight, I think I always do and I am lucky for it but of course if I mess up then I'm doubly responsible!.

 

i just want to say that i really relate to a lot of what you wrote here. in my experience/observation it's quite easy for people who are more readily treatment compliant, and especially those who have no diagnosis whatsoever, to have opinions that it's selfish or that it's as easy as just staying on meds, etc. the reality is far more complicated and hopefully with some further information on the subject your boyfriend and other loved ones can have a bit more compassion for the challenges you may have, do or will in the future face.

 

i've defo lost a lot of people who failed or refused to really appreciate the impact anosognosia has had on how i view my diagnosis, symptoms, and treatment. and even apart from that, it's not uncommon for there to be "delusions" that strongly reinforce discontinuation...plus...i mean...memory isn't as dependable as people seem to believe... *but* there are people who have literally stuck with me for the past twenty years or some significant portion thereof...because they see the value beyond or despite the shit show. i hope your boyfriend has the ability to see the larger picture and support you rather than kinda threaten you with leaving if you don't manage your challenges the way he believes you should or even are able to. 

 

you said you are wanting to stay on meds/be treatment compliant but that sometimes forgetfulness, sometimes this or that line of thinking undermines that desire. i'm in a bit of a different situation on those points, but the efficacy of depot injections for maintaining at least some amount of treatment compliance is undeniable. is that an option you would consider or that's available to you?  i'm NOT suggesting you start them to appease your boyfriend, but to assist you in your goal if that is one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that was pretty cruel of your boyfriend to say that, IMO. I agree with Jt07 that perhaps it more of a matter of him being afraid you'll stop your meds. Though, I know when psychosis hits, sometimes one loses insight and stops their meds cause they think they don't need them. I sympathize with that. But you sound like you have pretty good insight.

 

Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about this some more. Maybe tell him how you feel it's a double standard and, your illness isn't any more controllable than his epilepsy. Sometimes our illnesses make us do questionable things. That's out of our control. However, it's sometimes hard for loved ones to understand that. We can't just snap out of it, we really have no control/possibly very little control over how we act in psychosis. 

 

I worry about my boyfriend leaving my crazy ass. I worry someday he'll think I'm just too crazy to love, and that it's too much work to manage me when I'm ill (which thankfully is more rare nowadays). He also gets really frustrated due to my lack of insight when hypomanic and psychotic. I worry he'll blame me for actions I can't control. However, he has proven that he loves me very much and hasn't left me. 

 

I also agree with Mell. The ones that stick with you through the crazy are the keepers. And you deserve that kind of love and compassion. 

yes, I agree......your boyfriend does not sound very mature and it is a double standard  

it is not easy being married to someone who is biopolar

it has been a journey for us

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree I should stay on meds, I really do, we talk about it all the time that he needs his meds just like I need mine. It is hard though. I wouldn't want to disappoint him or my doctors though, I'm very scared of disappointing people and being left by them. I forgot my meds before and my doctor told me I was "sabotaging" myself so I have not wanted to do that, it would be really painful to know that people would look down on my not taking meds, it would be sabotage. I know people would look at it as a very selfish thing to do. That doesn't undermine how difficult it still is sometimes. I don't want to lie because the thought comes,, I have a poor track record with compliance because I think that the medication is poisoning me and its very hard to keep taking it and push the idea that its going to kill me out of my head, I don't even take cold medicines! I do get scared, I can't predict my mindset, if I have to take meds for the rest of my life that is a long time and what if one day I did get too scared of the poisoning and stop? Or what if I forgot? Or any number of scenario between now and however long. Or if the meds stopped working? I tend to have to keep upping the dose and adding things already. I do have good insight, I think I always do and I am lucky for it but of course if I mess up then I'm doubly responsible!.

 

I can relate to this. When I'm psychotic, I sometimes think my meds are poison. I can completely lose insight and, one time just about stopped taking my meds, if it weren't for my boyfriend making me go to the doctor. 

 

Have you read this post? It's all about lack of insight or anosognosia. Maybe you and your boyfriend can sit down and read it together. And then, you can explain to him how you lose insight, your fears about medication and how that makes you sometimes forget/not take meds. Maybe this post will make him sympathize somewhat with you. I know it made my boyfriend realize he was being harsh with me. 

 

Yes, lack of insight is frustrating for the people around you. And I'll give my boyfriend that, is IS hard to deal with me when I'm extra crazy. But, he now knows how to approach the situation and work with me, rather than against me. 

 

Anyway, just an idea. I hope you can be kind to yourself. Your thoughts about meds are not uncommon. I hope this may be able to sway your boyfriend somewhat. 

Edited by Parapluie
typos
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can relate to this in terms of my anxiety. I spent a year not really being able to leave my house. I could go out in the garden and stuff, but if I had to actually "be" somewhere else, well, I just couldn't. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me and it put quite a strain on my marriage at the time. Neither of us were really old enough to be parents, let alone dealing with an undiagnosed MI. Now when things get bad I do get super paranoid that he might leave me. I actually worry about it in day to day life. I worry about when the kids grow up and I can't travel because of my anxiety will he leave? Will he leave if I can't go places with him, if I can't have dinner at a restaurant? He assures me that that will never happen but it's definitely something that is always there in the back of my mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I find that when I am stressed out and having a "bad" day, where I am clearly struggling, there are a couple DRs who tend to back off.  And until the next time I see them and be "normal," it is awkward. 

 

With this one particular DR, I was really stressed about something and it clearly showed.  The next appt I made with her it was totally obvious she was keeping her distance.  She did NOT want to be there.  That was confirmed by the way she was interacting with me, then her suggesting I see her colleague.  But eventually after seeing I had returned to "normal" again once the appt ended, she said, "I'm glad you came in ..."  and tapped me on the knee, as if to say, "Ok, I can deal with you now."

 

That's got to be awkward, was that a DR you had seen for long? You would thnk in that profession they would have a better poker face, but I've def experienced that with my current pdoc, too. 

 

 

It was very awkward.  I felt like I *had* to be "good" and totally fake everything no matter what happened/how I felt.  I had been seeing her since 2010 (I still see her now, but it isn't a DR I have to see often).

 

It wasn't a pdoc though ... OBGYN.  I think every DR should take a "poker face" class of some kind.

Edited by melissaw72
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...