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Sarcasm.

 

My diagnosis as it now stands is bipolar 2. I'm not really sure anymore, but last night I experienced this intense "episode" and I'm left wondering what the HELL that was. I'm just going to post the description I wrote in my blog later that night. 

 

I have all the control yet none at all. Sometimes every moment is torment. Sometimes I am not real. I struggle opening a bottle of Ativan and fight with myself over if I should take one pill or the whole bottle. I writhe in mental pain and rip my hair and try to crush my head between my hands. I curl into a ball on the floor only to immediately pull at parts of my body as if I’m trying to rip them apart. I open the window for air and contemplate flying. None of this is real. I am not real. I sob and shake and wonder how the floor isn’t collapsing. Those times, it isn’t worth it. I pray to a god I’ve never known to free me. I think about the hospital. I think about people who can help me but stop because they can’t. There are voices in my head that I can’t hear, I just feel them. There are too many stuffed into one mind and they are angry. They are always angry. I am not real. Nothing is real.

 

I have all the control yet none at all.

 

Truth is relative. Reality is relative. How do I know what the fuck is true? What the fuck is real? Also…what the fuck is wrong with me?!

 

I have all the control yet none at all.

 

This all happened after a day of feeling AMAZING. Just a little while before it happened, I took a stand and was set on the proposition that I have no mental health disorder, I'm fine, and I'm going to stop taking my meds because I'm just being dramatic.

 

Now, I have bad days, bad nights, bad fleeting hours, moments, etc., but this was the most excruciating combination of crazy and I want it to not exist in my life, ever. Any input? 

Edited by DontLookAway

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Hmmm. I have never experienced anything like this before. Did you actually stop taking your meds? If you did, maybe it was some kinda weird reaction to that? That's just a shot in the dark though. I really have no idea. 

 

I would generally report anything weird like that to my pdoc. If you're concerned, as always, call your pdoc. 

 

Sorry I can't be much help. 

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Hmmm. I have never experienced anything like this before. Did you actually stop taking your meds? If you did, maybe it was some kinda weird reaction to that? That's just a shot in the dark though. I really have no idea. 

 

I would generally report anything weird like that to my pdoc. If you're concerned, as always, call your pdoc. 

 

Sorry I can't be much help. 

 I didn't stop my meds. In my spur of the moment decision before the "episode", I vowed to stop taking them starting today but what do you know, after that craziness, I did take them today.

 

Yeah, my pdoc is 2+ hours away and has 4390438 clients and I don't have my next apt with him until February. Glad I documented it though for when I do see him again. Thanks for your response. :)

Edited by DontLookAway

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