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AD88AM

Thought process, paranoia, fabricated memory.

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Hi, I didn't quite know what to call the topic, but here it goes...

 

Basically, I dwell on everything, I'm very paranoid and anxious about what people do or say in a situation; I always think they're discussing me and being critical.

 

With a lot of the things, when I come to reflect on them, I try and work them out but my reflection ends up becoming more fabricated by my thought process... my thoughts and memory become exaggerated, so I end up straying away from the initial experience - which could have been something so simple - it ends up becoming this whole complex and negative thing going on in my mind, and it just convinces me that other things were said and done by people.

 

It's easy to get so caught up in it all that it takes on a life of it's own within my head.

 

 

Hope to hear from you.

Edited by AD88AM

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What really impresses me is how you describe the whole process from the initial experience to the blown out of proportion interpretation. I think it is a great step you have med by recognizing so perfectly what goes on in your mind. Now that you already recognize what happens, then try to stop the thoughts when they start happening. Tell yourself that the initial experience, is just that, a simple thing, that remains exactly as you experienced it initially.  Don´t add up any thoughts. If this is hard, what works for me is imagining a red STOP! sign when I start having other thoughts. Or trying to replace bad thoughts with good ones. I hope this helps.

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I'm very paranoid and anxious about what people do or say in a situation; I always think they're discussing me and being critical.

 

There were points in my life where I was like this as well. For me it boiled down to two things:

 

a) I couldn't be 100% sure what people's actual intentions were, since I can't actually get inside their head to confirm what they are saying is congruent to their thinking;

b) There actually were times when people were duplicitous to me and were unrepentant when caught in the act.

 

I think what helped me was letting go of the need to know, with absolute certainty, what someone is actually thinking. I could never control what they thought about me, but I could control my responses. Ultimately it doesn't matter what someone thinks about me if I don't put much stock into their words. 

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CookieN - I've started to simply write down the initial situation; I think making it more physical on paper allows that situation to be more grounded and not susceptible to a flow of an imagination fuelled by the anxiety and paranoia (which seem to have damaged my thought process). So that acts as my reality check I guess, just getting it down on paper. Thanks for your response.

 

ReverseThePolarity - I totally understand, and the a) and b) points you make seem to sum up levels of trust with people. It seems being too caught up in the mind can shut us off from the world, making it harder to see past our constant need to reflect, and we become cornered. Another thing is, I think self-esteem plays a part too, I know if I was more confident in myself, I think I wouldn't give much of a crap about what they thought or said... I mean a lot of critical people seem to have an inflated ego which helps them rise a little... if we work on self-esteem perhaps we can just rise above them.

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Self-esteem is a big thing. I stopped pinning my self-esteem on how others viewed me because there's so much variation in other people. There's always going to be someone who likes what I'm doing, and someone who doesn't. Whereas if I can maintain a positive outlook on myself, then I'll carry it around with me all the time. 

 

It was a lot of hard work and took years of therapy, but I'm at a point in life where I don't particularly care either way what people think of me anymore.

 

Also, I realised most people will look past your foibles. If you act like it's no big deal, they'll do the same. Performing on stage in public has really helped with that. I've made so many mistakes on stage that are blatantly obvious to me, but the audience rarely blinks an eye.

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I'm glad that you've gradually built that frame of mind where you've learned not to particularly care, even though it's taken years of therapy - I mean, it's a journey, it's persistent, but there's some progression in the process... it's just good that you're managing it to an extent, and performing on stage sounds really amazing. Personally, I write, so yeah that acts as a form of escapism, keeps me going and it does build a sense of self-esteem within myself... I think it's essential to have a passion for something.

 

Sometimes I do have moments where I feel that it really is no big deal what people say or think (rare moments)... but yeah, when I'm most anxious (which is most of the time), the barrier slips. I went to see my pdoc on Friday, felt very anxious and couldn't really explain myself properly... I'm seeing him again in February, he seems concerned... next time I'm going to really speak my mind.

 

Happy holidays, by the way.

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i have a thing that's a function of hindsight bias making connections and prioritizing those

there is research that its more prominent in schizophrenics but i don't know apart from that

it sounds like insight works for you though so bit envious but nice to hear something for someone is a positive

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Mellifluous - There "is" a sense of insight, only it's a clouded paranoiac type of insight.

 

Let's say you have some insight, but it's a blurred, distorted sort of insight, and so your judgement is shrouded somewhat by your thought process... (condensation on a window... you know what's outside, but you don't see it for what it really is) whether that makes sense...? I may have "some" insight, yet it's a total blur to me, I can't quite trust the insight.

 

Regarding the "hindsight bias" - I have become accustomed to expect that people will speak negative of me, based on past experience - so my mind has developed "that" type of awareness in the development of my mind. So I think I understand what you're saying... if not, please correct me.

 

I think the mind can be foggy, so it's hard to find your way around, so you try and see something for what it is, only that foggy shroud distorts your perception of it somewhat.

Edited by AD88AM

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We're here to discuss and help the best we can, having the same/similar situation.

Edited by AD88AM

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What I noticed during my moments of paranoia was I would think everything was somehow connected to me. I had an exaggerated sense of my place in the world - that people would 'attack' me just because. It sounds oddly paradoxical, but I think it's because I was so focused on myself and my actions that I assumed the rest of the world would be. So I would make all sorts of connections between myself and the world that really weren't there. 

Edited by Reverse The Polarity

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What I noticed during my moments of paranoia was I would think everything was somehow connected to me. I had an exaggerated sense of my place in the world - that people would 'attack' me just because. It sounds oddly paradoxical, but I think it's because I was so focused on myself and my actions that I assumed the rest of the world would be. So I would make all sorts of connections between myself and the world that really weren't there.

 

You have summed it up quite perfectly well for me "ReverseThePolarity"... I am so caught up on my own self thinking, that my mind possibly reflects it onto the world, via not being able to contain so much within myself... and my senses make it so - I believe inner demons are capable of grasping your own reality and can toy with it.

Edited by AD88AM

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