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Advocate, Depressed and Guilty - Jewish, Catholic, whatever

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I'm a lurker here for a long time. The few times I posted I wanted to give encouragement to people who were hurting in many ways I have or was and I knew they were being unfair to themselves. I have come upon an interesting thing that while I encouraged them and damned their surrounding naysayers that I left out (to myself) how much I was being a hypocrite. Better a hypocrite in a positive way than judgmental and hurtful to someone else.

But how come I can see the goodness in themselves, encourage to be strong, challenge them to see how important they really are (thank God for spell check I wrote impotent instead of important), when I can't give myself the same benefit.

This post is rhetorical. I guess I just need to actually "say it" to begin to formulate what I really want to say/ask here so no responses are really necessary. I have been such a fucking mess and such a good person and such a crappy person for so long it's time I do something. Have no idea what. Have done therapy and pdoc. Am on meds. And the Pet Shop Boys song "What Have I done to Deserve This?" takes on a whole new meaning for me. I feel I am experiencing the "karmic" consequences of some of my previous life so I know what I've done to deserve some of this. But enough is enough.

Tune in next week.....

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