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Background - I've been depressed now since 2012 when I started uni. I dropped out last year for a semester for treatment and returned the next semester (semester 2 2013) and was doing okay but I got depressed again and dropped out again. I decided that this year I was going to stay with my parents and go to the local uni while doing therapy to try and get better.

I have been doing better in a way since I got back in that I have a job at the local hardware store. However I am still struggling to do anything and I just want to give up and give in to the suicidal thoughts I have. I see a tdoc every week and we have discussed what I should do and she suggested I try therapy for six months and not give in to the thoughts as at the moment I have little motivation when I just want to give up. I can see the logic of the idea and know that I have to work to get better and I'm on my way with my job and everything but there is another part of me that doesn't want to. There is a part of me that wants to say no to the plan and just give up on everything. I don't know what would happen then though. I don't want to die as I don't want to upset my parents and sister but even that excuse is not as effective anymore. There is part of me that thinks I should go to hospital but then think that it would be a waste of time; it wouldn't be effective as I'd just be running away from my problems. I would also have to leave my job when I just started 3 weeks ago and I may not be able to go to uni before it starts in late February.

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How about thinking of it not so much as giving up on the idea of suicide, but running a 6 month experiment to see what happens if you put the idea aside for a while?

 

Or even commit to just one month at a time and see how it goes?

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It think Phoenix and Wooster both made good suggestions.

 

I want to give you one other thought.  I agree that depression is hideous:  it makes everything seem futile and hopeless.  However, it is possible to treat it with the right drugs and therapy.  There are people who get it treated and go on to live interesting, fulfilling lives.

 

So maybe it would help to tell yourself this is temporary.  This is NOT what the rest of your life is going to be.  You will get through this and go on to do interesting things and travel and finish university.  It sounds like whatever antidepressant you are taking is not working.  Could you discuss that with your doctor.

 

Good luck and please come back and talk to us some more.

 

olga

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One of the things they talk about in AA is you don't have to stay sober forever - just until the next meeting. When I'm crazy suicidal, my pdoc has me commit to coming to my next tdoc and/or pdoc appointment. My tdoc and pdoc will each will ask me when I next see the other to be able to keep tabs on how long that commitment is for. (My pdoc also wants me to call her through the exchange during off-hours if I am unsure about keeping that commitment.)

 

Can you think of it like that? Don't even commit to not killing yourself for the next 6 months. That feels like an eternity to me. Just agree to make it until your next appointment (and make sure you have appointments at least once a week). 

 

As far as going IP, I have mixed opinions. It's great for a supervised and/or emergency med change - they'll keep you safe, medically monitored, and you'll see a pdoc everyday. You will not get therapy (or at least, therapy with much value). You're right that it will not change your situation, but a med change might help you feel less out of control.

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I think your medication isn't set to get you out off the depression. You'll have to make a difficult choice, but if they get you stable in the hospital, you may be stabler for a few years and can get your education on Uni. successful. 

 

You're going to give everything up because of the low mood, don't let it waste your carrier..

 

And 'thumbs up' for posting this topic; I see you're trying very hard, but sometimes depression is such nasty illness. 

 

You have been depressed before, think what (what kind of meds. + therapy) has lifted the previous depression up. 

 

I admire your courage for going to Uni, I hope they get you stable.  ;)

 

Best wishes. 

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