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I'm alone for the holiday. I am having a really hard time with it. The people I consider family went out of town. I don't have much in the way of friends, and they all were traveling. I'm alone.


Isolation is a big problem for me. Isolation on what is a very family-oriented holiday is even worse. I can't even go to church without crying. 


On top of that, I've got a cold. I already feel crummy. Vulnerable. I go back to my dbt-based IOP program tomorrow. That will at least get me out of the house and interacting with people. I'm super suicidal and I've self harmed three times in the last week. I did so good until the holidays... My dbt skills aren't helping.

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I'm sorry you are having a rough time of things.


My tdoc tells me to remind myself that it is only one day, and that much of the holiday imagery is not real. I tend to idealize things in my head,

and I feel disappointed when my reality doesn't match up to it.


Hang in there!

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I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now. It really sucks to be alone on a family-oriented holiday like Christmas. I can empathize, and while I'm not alone, I lost my mother 2 years ago and it's still tough. I feel alone. Take care of yourself. 

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Holidays suck big-time, and especially since we've all been brain-washed that we should have these Hallmark moments with everyone gathered around the tree, merry and singing.  It rarely happens that way, even in the seemingly happy families.


I hope you can keep telling yourself that it's just one day.  It's over and tomorrow is a fresh start.


I'm sorry about the cold.  Have you made yourself some tea or other hot drink for comfort?  Self-indulgence is a good thing when you need comforting and pampering.



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I'm Jewish, so I have to admit it really doesn't bother me. When I have shift jobs, I always volunteer to take Xmas (that is kind of a tradition among Jews, since we get the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur off). When I wasn't working, and my friends were all out with their families, I would eat something I love that no one else can stand (sherried chicken livers on rice).


The one thing I learned about Salt Lake City this week: Being closed for Xmas also means being closed, or closing VERY early, for Xmas Eve. I'm annoyed, I had my dinner AND dessert all picked out.


Dh and I usually treat it like part of the weekend. But he is in NJ now visiting family. Not the best time, although it sounds like they have a very cool dog: Half Thai Ridgeback (THAI! I didn't know!) and half Basenji. It sounds like hell, I am very glad I'm not there.


I don't know,  I was never raised to think it was a big deal for obvious reasons.

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I was with people for this year, but have spent past holidays alone, both Christmas and Thanksgiving, because people were traveling.  To get through Christmas I treated it like any other day, made sure I had nothing Christmas-like around.  And fortunately regular TV is on here, so my afternoons are normal.  Then I go to bed.

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I had a tough Christmas this year too.  Different reasons.  My husband and I split up in April.  He threw me out the day after my diagnosis (Medication induced mania).  The mania - my first ever episode - had expressed as rampant infidelity over the course of about six months.  He knows better, but he acted like he didn't believe the diagnosis; just couldn't handle it.  So, I'm living on my own, and our little girl lives with him.  It was hard being at the house this morning for Christmas and seeing all the decorations that I've been picking out over the years (during which I was completely faithful, by the way).  


I've always considered Christmas to be pretty much just another day.  Not really an emotional vulnerability for me.  But this year, I experienced what people have been talking about.  It can be harder than a "regular" day.  


But the day went on and got easier.  I'm grateful that he and I manage to get along well, and we can offer that harmony and stability to our daughter.  


And I am hugely grateful that our little girl had a wonderful holiday.  She is now sound asleep in the next room, hugging the Hello Kitty doll that Santa brought for her.  We had fun all afternoon, and read her new books at bedtime.  


Anyway, "Geek" ( ^_^), it's now a few hours into the day after Christmas, my time zone anyway.  Hope you can hang in there, waiting for a simpler day.  More interesting stuff to come for you, no doubt!  I hope you won't harm yourself anymore.


Happy Day After Christmas to You!!!



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I know that feeling, and it's bad, but what I do is just hang in there. I know it sounds trite, and like a throw-away line, but it has been effective for me.

What I mean by "hang in there" is specific. I tell myself things that I know are true, like... "I remember being happy. I'll get back there. I remember the spring and summertime with the sun in my face, I'll feel it again. This has happened to me before, and I made it through", and similar things. Be specific. Remind yourself of what you know and how your current state of mind is transient. Granted, it feels like forever, it'll last a few days, and it is painful, but it will diminish when the situation changes (i.e., the holidays get over with, thank god).

I also get a little bit like a corner-man in a boxing match, and talk to myself (the getting-beaten-up boxer) with tough-it-out talk, like... "Sign up for the pain; you know it's going to hurt so just accept the beating until it's over, then you'll feel better." I know that sounds like macho BS, but that part of me needs some serious mental discipline when I'm in the pit.

On the less rigorous side, I find watching mindless TV (sitcoms, game shows), movies, or crawling into bed, or taking a warm shower as being effective.

Depression is insidious and it's a liar. It makes you believe that an emotion is truth. It's not. Hang in there and things will get better.

Edited by KeepGoing
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It's normal to feel lonely when everyone is away and you'r depressed » But it's very very hard to dual with of course for you!!  :o


I see you're taking many meds., but still not responding, that's must be very annoying for you with those thoughts and feelings. Hang in there geek, you're not alone, even it feels so.  :)  


I'm not a doctor, but I have taking some medications you are taking also. My comments are this:


  • You are taking Zyrtec for allergy, I suppose? This is a very old one with many side effects. Have you tried something else already?
  • Ventolin for asthma? This can cause low mood.
  • Lamictal is normally a very good mood stabilization for depression. Can Lamictal co-exists with Ventolin?
  • May be the Ambien has also a side effect of making the depression worse?

Talk about it with your GP/pdoc.


Best wishes and hopefully they can get your depression stable! :)  

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Thanks guys for the support. I know it is a hard time for many of us. I've never done Christmas alone before, though I have all the other holidays. I suppose a lot of the pain comes from expectations of a Norman Rockwell picture.


I posted last night even though it was late in the day. It was 8pm when I wrote all that, so I'd clearly survived the day but it sure didn't (doesn't) feel like it. I was still periodically just breaking down crying.


Honestly, I really did hide in bed most of the day. Partly because I'm sick, partly in avoidance (though I don't know the ratio). But sometimes... it just washes over you, y'know?


It kind of put me in a funk and now I'm struggling to get out of it. Not that I wasn't in a funk before, but ... I dunno.

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