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Reality, Identity, and other such impossible concepts


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I apologize in advance, because my head is not together and forming cohesive thoughts is not currently my strong point.

I've kind of been flailing around the various boards, but the time has come for me to accept that above all things, I am bipolar. I don't know anything about this. I intend to confirm this with my current pdoc, who has not revealed any kind of diagnosis. And yes, BPD has been thrown at me by myriad medical professionals-- even back when it was still called manic-depressive disorder. (It's not, right?)

It's simultaneously filling me with feelings of shame and relief to accept this is my brand of coo-coo. Shame because I work so hard to stuff my feelings and consider myself a victim of circumstance(s). Relief because I know the monster inside me now by name, and that gives me a fighting chance of taming him.

So, identity. It's fragmented. I never know who I'm going to be or what I'm going to feel. I'm notoriously unreliable and have had psychotic episodes. I am a naturally impulsive, self-defeating, attention-seeking, risk-taking, manipulative individual.

I am naturally unstable.

I do everything I can not to act like this. I have learned to shut down, hide, be invisible. I thought I had become adept at controlling my emotional reactions, and to a certain extent, I have. This leaves me in almost complete isolation, because maintaining friendships and building relationships leaves too much room for me to screw up, or get screwed. We're all a little safer if I just keep to myself.

I am somewhat curious if those with BPD are also confused about who they are, or where they belong, or wonder if anyone will put up with them for the long haul.

What I'm really trying to get to is my recent med adjustment, and the realization that I am nothing more than an inconsolable, unreachable, useless burden without my meds. To put it frankly, I'm a total raging bitch.

Abridged version: Was on Zoloft, switched to Viibryd. The Viibryd did not work. During the time I was off Zoloft, I literally felt as if I was in a living nightmare. I would've kept going, because I know med transitions can be pretty brutal and I chocked it up to withdrawals. There are just no words, no poetic analogy that can even describe the rage, sadness, and hatred that I felt. It was so powerful that it took everything I had not to act impulsively. I am so, so mean.

My mom being the only person in my life, she experienced my rage. I would get hung up on something small and would seethe for hours, nights, days. She couldn't say anything right. I tried not to be mean, but the words just burst from my lips and I couldn't take them back. I did things I did when I was a teenager, like go for angry walks in the middle of the night because I was afraid I would do something much worse. She was the one who, with my permission, called my pdoc and explained what was going on. I was incapable of doing so myself. I was seen and put back on my Zoloft immediately.

And now everything's peachy friggin keen all over again. Not perfect, not even close, but believe me I'll take it. So, Is this real, or was that? Am I a horrible evil person, or am I this? Is real life a nightmare, and is this Zoloft version just a dream? The difference is stark. It's terrifying.

Because without my meds, I am truly disturbed. Maybe there are others out there who are just as terrified of who they really are.

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I think Titania is right about the tendency to over-analyze ourselves, I'm certainly as guilty of it as anyone else.  

 

 

And now everything's peachy friggin keen all over again. Not perfect, not even close, but believe me I'll take it. So, Is this real, or was that? Am I a horrible evil person, or am I this? Is real life a nightmare, and is this Zoloft version just a dream? The difference is stark. It's terrifying.

Because without my meds, I am truly disturbed. Maybe there are others out there who are just as terrified of who they really are.

 

 

I don't think you can split yourself in two, into good or evil, or nightmare or dream.  It's not an either/or situation.  Some days you'll feel great, and other days you won't, and the point of the diagnosis and meds is to even out the extremes on both ends. 

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When it comes to identity, as someone who is diagnosed as both Bipolar-I and Borderline Personality Disorder, it's been my understanding that a lack of a sense of self (which I have very badly, I have no clue who I am) is a key feature of Borderline instead of Bipolar. But, using myself as an example, you can actually be diagnosed with both. And don't cling to labels, as I tend to do. Whatever you may diagnosed with, is just a label, it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of the disorder. I hope what I've said makes any sense, feeling a bit inarticulate at the moment.

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