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I know what I am about to get back into is unhealthy, I ran the numbers by my parents and they are encouraging this behavior.

It's taking over my mind already,  I'm already looking at what I ate today and feel ashamed by the number of calories.

I feel like if I do this even though it's not healthy and I reach my goal, then maybe they will start to care about me.  Maybe they'll see me as a good person and useful.  All my life I've grown up taught that being overweight meant that you were less of a person.  All my life I've felt subhuman due to my size.

I will find the right size so that they will love me.

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Have you ever had an eating disorder?  If so, then tread very carefully.  You don't want to re-ignite it.

If you, on the other hand, have never had an eating disorder and are actually overweight then losing weight seems like a great idea.  

My own parents judge me based on my weight.  They've been doing it since I weighed 200lbs and now I weigh almost 300!  One of my major motivators in losing weight is that I know if I do that my parents will treat me like I'm this amazing person and will do more things for and with me.  

The thing with me is that I love myself no matter what.  You have to be able to love yourself and feel important.  If you can't feel these things now then you might not be able to feel these things when you are a smaller size and your parents treat you with more respect.  

Your parents are in the wrong here.  It's your life and your body.  Being overweight doesn't make you less of a person.  It just means you are human and imperfect just like everybody else.  Take it easy on yourself.  

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yea I've had an eating disorder in the past, haven't actively engaged in it in over 10 years but the mindset is always there about how bad I am.  I turned to stuffing myself to shove those feelings down while my self loathing increased.

 

i'm at a breaking point n ow with what my family is saying and other people are making fun of my weight

 

I have a tendancy to hold my breath sometimes and then release it

 

and I turned once when I was sitting and at the same time started to breathe again, and this older guy was like woah you are all out of breathe from just turning

 

I was so humiliated cause I wasn't   I just don't breathe normally

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Please try not to use numbers on the ED board. Thanks.

 

Having an ED and then having people force you unfairly to lose weight is stressful, unfair and just MEAN. They come back easily, they're triggered easily, and you do NOT want to get back into that mindset and disorder again.

 

If you want to lose weight for yourself, do it for yourself, and don't do it the unhealthy way. Don't set unrealistic or unhealthy goals. Don't think people will love you for your weight, that's just unfair.

 

I think it's really sick what your parents expect, zoe.

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  • 1 month later...

When I read this I thought to myself that I wish I could hug you. That is unusual for me because I fear being touched. I guess that its just that I know how it feels to want to be loved by your parents so bad, so bad that you'll even risk your health and possibly life to get that love.  I've been there. I'm so sorry that you have to be there now.

 

What I am gonna tell you sucks ass and I hate even saying it but it needs to be said. There is no magic number that unlocks love. There is no good enough. That's just not how love works. Love is something that a parent should feel for their child no matter what that child looks like or what size they are. If they can't feel it with a heavier child then they just can't feel the real deal. They don't understand love at all. Nothing you do can change that, sadly. If they understand love and are capable of it they will feel it for who you are as a person, your heart, your personality, your dreams and passions, your sense of humor, ect. We as humans love for those things. You deserve to be loved for those things. Anyone who says they love someone for their appearance is someone who has no grasp on what love even is. And well, that sucks.

 

I had to realize at one point that my parents didn't love me, not because I hadn't found a way to be loveable enough, but because they didn't know how to love. At first that realization devastated me. I felt hopeless because I knew I would never get what I longed for. Gradually I accepted it because I couldn't  change it. Eventually it became one of the most helpful realizations I'd ever had because it allowed me to move on and focus my energy on working towards obtaining things that were possible to get. So, I don't mean to be harsh in telling you that there is no magic weight. I am only trying to pass on to you that eventual freedom that comes with moving on and finding people who can and will love you for who you really are. Its hard. It hurts like hell. In the end its worth it.

 

Besides that, when you really think about it, doesn't the idea of being loved for your body feel kinda cheap? I mean, if someone is going to love me I would really want it to be for me, for the inner me, my true self. Otherwise I don't think it would really fill that hole that not being loved causes. It would just be too damn shallow to count for much.

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