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I need someone to remind me I'm doing the best I can do right now :(


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Or at least to tell me I'm not a COMPLETE failure because I feel like one right now. :(

 

I can't seem to see the forest for the trees right now. I feel so helpless :( I've been fighting this epic depression and I know it's getting better little by little - I was even able to work a little today on a project I've had on the backburner for a long while, but all I can think about is how much I HAVEN'T done, how much time I've wasted in bed, and worse, how much WEIGHT I've managed to gain. :( I don't even know how a gain that big that fast happened - I thought it had to do with some liver and thyroid issues I'm having, but it just creeps me out how fast it happened and how I don't really feel like I look all THAT different, but my clothes and my scale says otherwise.

I feel so stupid for not being more active, for laying in bed so much, and everything else. I had an appointment with a new pdoc today and I stupidly misread the Google Map directions and wound up on the wrong end of a VERY long street and missed it. :( I rescheduled for next Thursday, but all I can do is freak out about how much MORE I'm going to weigh or how much loafing I'm going to do between now and then.

I know I need to set goals, but honestly right now my goal just feels like it needs to be to get stable and to work on my entire body NOT hurting/aching. I don't know how to fix this but I feel like I can't be as active as I want to be while my joints and back hurt so bad. Even THAT to me sounds like an excuse, but I don't know what to do. :( My calories aren't outrageous or anything, I'm mindful of what i eat especially since cutting gluten, but it feels like no matter what I do I'm just getting larger and larger and larger...I know part of it or most of it is how sedentary I've become, I'm hoping when I get a little better I'll actually FEEL like doing more. :( Right now I feel like I push myself to just get dressed and leave the house whenever I do.

Edited by yellowlovesgray
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I can't seem to see the forest for the trees right now. I feel so helpless :( I've been fighting this epic depression and I know it's getting better little by little - I was even able to work a little today on a project I've had on the backburner for a long while, but all I can think about is how much I HAVEN'T done, how much time I've wasted in bed, and worse, how much WEIGHT I've managed to gain. :(

I can relate. When I am down I can rarely veiw even positive things as positive. If manage to finish a project, pay bills, get the kitchen clean ect. it only seems to remind me how much more I haven't done.

You really are doing the best that you can right now. I know how frustrating it can be to have the best you can do not come anywhere near what you would like to be able to do.

I think you have the right idea with making getting yourself stable and not in as much pain you priority. The better you are feeling mentally and physically the more you will be able to do, especially being active.

Don't be to hard on yourself, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. I hope your appointment with the new pdoc goes well. Take care.

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You are being extremely hard on yourself. You ARE doing the best you can right now! Try to imagine someone else close to you going through all these issues you're dealing with. How would you treat them? Would you judge them for being sedentary, putting on weight etc.? 

 

I'm extremely hard on myself when I'm depressed, too. I also have chronic pain. Believe me when I say it is the depression telling you these things. You would never judge anyone else so harshly, I bet. You are allowed to be ill, and sometimes that means not being able to accomplish certain things (even if they would be good for us). It is okay to stay in bed sometimes when it's just too hard to get out. It's okay to stay home when the pain is just too bad. Forgive yourself.

 

My shrink gave me some advice a while ago. She said that if I feel that I'm unlikely to really accomplish anything on a certain day, I should plan not to accomplish anything. It's very empowering. I just think to myself, "I am choosing to stay home and rest today". It can turn the day from a failure into a success, because you planned to stay home, and you accomplished that. It's worth a try anyhow.

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Hagar Running is right...you are being FAR too hard on yourself.  Try writing out some positive affirmations about yourself like "I am a good cook" or "I keep battling no matter how hard it is".  Go through that list of affirmations a couple of times a day.

 

When I'm really down, I put up quotes around the house that make me feel strong.

 

Keep fighting and believe that you are a good person.

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My shrink gave me some advice a while ago. She said that if I feel that I'm unlikely to really accomplish anything on a certain day, I should plan not to accomplish anything. It's very empowering. I just think to myself, "I am choosing to stay home and rest today". It can turn the day from a failure into a success, because you planned to stay home, and you accomplished that. It's worth a try anyhow.

This is so comforting and validating to hear, thank you.

Thanks to all of you for replying, I'd been feeling so alone and so terrible. Today was the first "good" day again in a while, I'm hoping I can sustain this. I'm still not close to 100% but I was able to get up early today (I'm setting an alarm from now on regularly) and go for a walk and get outside. I felt good enough to walk around a bit and play with my camera, and learn how to use it a bit better. In the late afternoon I even showered and got "dressed up" (which for me now is putting on a bit of makeup and wearing shoes that aren't Uggs) to take my BF to work with the intentions of staying out and maybe window shopping the rest of the evening, but by the time evening came about I wound up just too tired to go anywhere else, so I came home. Still, I'm considering this a win because at least I *felt* like going, and that's a move in the right direction.

I always forget how...miracuous it feels, when my meds finally kick in. It feels nothing short of a miracle to be able to feel the sensations I'm able to right now. To have the anxiety curbed to where it isn't crippling, to not have the impending feeling of doom looming over me.

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