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The conscientious psychopath -- me


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I plan on seeing a psychologist for talk therapy and I just don't know where to start and end with my symptoms. I feel like a conscientious psychopath. I don't hurt people on purpose. I don't think I lack empathy, I think I lack sympathy and compassion for others. I don't mean to hurt people, but if I do, I really don't feel their pain. I'll be mad at myself though because I may have threatened the relationship. The relationship that I feign interest in, just in case I might need you for something. That's the only reason I pretend to care. People around me are more like objects. I keep them close by in case I need them. I'm very adept at influencing people to like me, when in reality I can read them quite well and tailor my approach to their needs. I'm quite nice to people and I get told this quite often, but deep down I don't care for them as long as they see me as a nice person.

Everyday I feel like a blank canvas that gets painted with the needs of others as I interact with them, but at the end of the interaction the canvas gets bleached again. I've got all of these feelings of disregard inside that I mask with my charming personality. I act like the psychopath, but I don't really want to hurt anybody, I just use them without them knowing to get ahead. I've got the charm, it's fake and shallow, but I emulate emotions to a T. People believe me and I feel like I'm living a lie. I surely can't be antisocial because I don't want to hurt people, right? I'm just sick of not having any friends, and not being able to really connect with people. I'd like to be the other half of the relationship. Connect and finally get another girlfriend down the line. (I don't mean I want 2 lol I'm currently single.)

Are these all things that talk therapy can help with? Or CBT or DBT, whatever the case may be? This is all new information to me as well, since I've been in denial about bipolar disorder I've been investigating other leads I guess you can say. And for those whom I said I was investigating BPD, I don't think these specifically are traits of BPD, and I want to make it clear that I was just leaving BPD open as a possible option. I really don't think I fit into any personality disorder, I've just got some qualms that need to be taken care of. So, I'm asking if this is exactly what I should tell the psychologist, or maybe y'all can question me and I can use your insight when I go there. I've done this talk therapy before but I didn't stick with it. Usually my self-doubt will come and go. Thanks for your help in this rough time, hopefully I can reciprocate when I feel better.

Also, sorry if it's a block of text. I'm at work on iPhone and I can't get a good footing on the format.

Edited by pepsivanilla93
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I highly doubt that I would "qualify" as a psychopath. I feel more like an unsympathetic social chameleon. I really wouldn't want to change though, but would rather learn how to connect deeply with people. That though, would probably take sympathy. I live a lonely existence but it seems like it would be very hard to be sympathetic to everyone. Everyone has their problems and I can't solve them all. How would you choose which people to be sympathetic too? Strangers are just as much human as your friends are, so should you still treat your friends better?

 

Also, I was raised by divorced parents, both alcoholics, one over-bearing, and one physically abusive. Is it strange to have a deeper attachment to the one who was abusive?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I suppose all I can say with any real knowledge is that 'psychopathy' and the more anti social/schizoid end of the personality spectrum is really misunderstood. because society tends to use psychopath (or even personality disorder) as a shorthand way to talk about about what we percieve to be evil; linking it to killers and criminals, it's hard for people to get help.

Schizoids aren't anti social. A-social maybe.

Edited by Fugazi
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