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So let me go through some stuff that has been effecting me for a very long time.


For the longest time, when I was going through my teens, I had very hard times connecting with women. The first time I ever tried to have sex I didn't get hard and I never understood why. I thought maybe I was too nervous or something. It was, and is to this day, very confusing to me because I am sexually attracted to women, however I was never able to emotionally connect with any of them. I was always scared to have sex, and still am scared to have sex these days to some extent, mainly because I am insecure these days.


I am 27 years old now, and for the last 10 years or so I have been an emotional wreck. I was relatively happy as a child, although when highschool hit I have always been looking at how the world views me or sees me, and I try to make adjustments on how the world sees me on the fly and apply a positive reaction to whoever I am talking to by "manually" changing my personality. I am now worried that I may be gay.


It's more of a release really. I believe that i crave male attention and that I need approval from them - perhaps it's because my father never gave it to me or perhaps its because my parents divorced, perhaps its because my mom never seemed to be there for me in the way I wanted her to when I was young - who knows what the reason is - but I just feel warmer, emotionally around men. The bottom line is that I have never been able to emotionally make a bond with a woman. And this has been weighing heavy on my mind for the longest time and to my knowledge driving me insane.


The problem with the whole gay thing is that I do not think I am sexually attracted to men in the way that I am with women, that is i do not crave sex with men at all, and I also do not want to be gay - not that I have anything against gay people its just that , well I mean my whole life I went through thinking I am straight: why all the sudden would I be gay?


Gay men have come on to me and seem to think I am gay. I think i am just dealing with a lot of suppression


Anyways all this madness causes me to go on crazy binge drinking episodes - I'm talking super drunk, to the point where as I am just a walking zombie. My thought processes are never streamlined, and I literally jump from thought to thought second after second - I can never zone in and get anything done. I also think that I have weird control issues, where i need to be in control of things. Sometimes my thought patterns and processes affect me so much that my brain and head start to hurt.


I am extremely insecure - i think my whole problem may have derived from my extreme fear of failure and rejection. I am always worried about whether other people like me or not - and afraid of hurting my image so much that I actually hurt it by not doing what i want to do. I have this really big weirdo image of myself - like I am a weirdo, a perv, a control freak, an asshole, a user, a sociopath - the list could go on.


It's like i just want someone to go into my brain and rewire my head. I cannot explain the bad feelings that I have gone through in the last 10 years - especially these last 4-5 years. 


anyone have any thoughts? What could be wrong


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Welcome to CB. 


Therapy would go a long way towards helping you figure things out. Binge drinking is never the answer. I hope you can find a professional to talk things over with. We've got a great group of people here but CB is not a substitute for actual therapy. 

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