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Actually this is all about me!


OwlDello
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I'm in the process of planning my wedding and my mother and future mother in law are driving me insane! They both have very strong opinions about every little detail and get upset if I disagree with them or chose options they do not like.

First of all, I understand that they want to be involved and be a part of the planning..I just wish they would not feel they have a right to make the decisions for me. I hope this doesn't make me sound to full of myself but it is MY wedding. I feel that my fiance and I should be happy with the ceremony and reception and that quite frankly everyone else should just be happy for us.

My mother and future mother in law on the other hand seem to believe our wedding should be some elaborate celebration for both entire families. For instance, I have decided to have a small outdoor wedding with only 50-60 guests. This in itself is a HUGE issue for my future mother in law who wants to invite every single one of my fiances extended family members (I'm talking second cousins and great aunts and uncles my fiance hasn't seen since he was 10) as well as friends of hers from work, their neighbors, ect. I've made it very clear that that is not what I want. She seemed to think I would change my mind and see things her way until I recently booked the venue we decided on and now she is upset and saying she will have to "uninvite" people. We haven't even sent out save the dates yet let alone invitations..and since when does the mother of the groom (or bride for that matter) invite people to the wedding!

Then there is my mother..who has had a negative reaction to everything I have picked out or even considered so far. EVERYTHING! From the invitations and decorations to the venue and even my dress. I thought it would be a nice experience, shopping for my wedding dress with my mom. But she was so harsh and judgmental that the entire day was just stressful. Anytime I would try on a dress I liked she would say something along the lined of, "Really, you would wear that for your wedding?", "Okay..so I guess you want to throw a costume party not a wedding.", "Why don't you at least try on something pretty and traditional." Ugh! Needless to say..no dress was purchased. We are supposed to go again but I'm not even sure I want her along if that is how she is going to act.

Then there is the fact that we are not getting married in a church. This one shocked me..my fiance and I are both agnostic..our families both know this. I just can't wrap my head around why they thought even for a second that we would get married in a church?

We are paying for our wedding ourselves so they are not contributing financially. I would like to make everyone happy but not at my own expense. It is our wedding and our money so why exactly shouldn't we have everything be just the way we want it? It's just difficult because even though I fully intend to do things the way I want it is stressful and frustrating having to explain every decision I make to people who make it very clear that they feel I am doing everything wrong.

But what might just bother me the most is that both my mom and fiances mom (who normally can't agree on anything, lol!) have both been telling me that they think the stress of planning this wedding is just too much for me. Trust me..that is not too much for me. I actually really enjoy picking everything out and planning every detail..what IS too much for me is the two of them attacking every choice I make and telling me what would be better. That could be a good thing if what they wanted was indeed "better", but it's not. What they prefer is based solely on their taste and preferences. They seem to refuse to take into account my or my fiances preferences.

I know I am going to need to have a serious talk with both of them about how this needs to change if they want to be involved any further. I'm just not sure how to go about that..how do you let someone know that you love them and value their opinions on most things but when it comes to your wedding they can help out but have no say in the decision making process?

Sorry, somewhere along the line this turned into a small novel : ) But any suggestions are definitely welcome.

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I skimmed through, sorry but I don't see how this relates to mental or emotional problems. I think if you need help on this a friend is the best person to take it up with and ask for advice. 

 

People complain in this section all the time about shit unrelated to mental illness.

 

OP, oh my shit, that sounds terrible. God, I would hate that. THIS is why SO and I are eloping when we get married because that shit is ridiculous. Screw what the family thinks, that day is for myself and SO. I'm not going to be apologetic about it at all either. 

 

So, your own mother, is she easy to talk to? I wouldn't want someone saying that shit while I'm trying on dresses. A "yes" or "no" would suffice. I'd tell her to lay off because it's annoying. If she is NOT easy to talk to, do it anyway. Ask her not to make comments. If she can't do that, take friends with you.

 

Fiance's mom? Maybe he could talk to her? I cop out with that shit a lot with SO's parents; "Well, they're your parents and they are annoying me, YOU talk to them." But generally that's only if they are annoying both of us, heh. If it is solely my problem, I HATE bringing it up, but I do. Because I don't have time for that shit.

 

Let them know that they are stressing you out more. I would. I've had to tell SO's mom EXACTLY how her passive aggressive shit makes me feel (like utter shit) to get her to stop. I don't know.

 

This is just me though. Good luck with them. God, that would piss me off so much. I feel bad for you. You do have to say something though, this is not their wedding. 

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But what might just bother me the most is that both my mom and fiances mom (who normally can't agree on anything, lol!) have both been telling me that they think the stress of planning this wedding is just too much for me. Trust me..that is not too much for me. I actually really enjoy picking everything out and planning every detail..what IS too much for me is the two of them attacking every choice I make and telling me what would be better. That could be a good thing if what they wanted was indeed "better", but it's not. What they prefer is based solely on their taste and preferences. They seem to refuse to take into account my or my fiances preferences.

 

 

Do you think that saying it's too much for you is a way of saying "Just let us take over?"

 

If I were you, I would stop inviting them along when I went to do wedding-related tasks, and then announce each decision as done. "Oh, the flowers? I took care of that last week" etc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You have to really put your foot down when it comes to how many guests. That is the most important thing financially.

 

This is just a general rule of marriage, so you might as well start it now: Any complaints you have about MIL are communicated and discussed through your fiance. And any problems he is having with your mother are communicated and dealt with through you. This is truly one of the laws of marriage.

 

Don't take your mother dress hunting with you again. Do you have a wedding party of any size? Could one of them go with you? My mother was a horror story the one time she went. But my sister, who is kind of "I'll kick your ass if you don't obey," went shopping with me, and she found a gown I loved (which I couldn't actually fit into), they held it in front of me. She also told the sales lady to order a size down from what she was going to order. And she was right in that case as well.

 

Anyway, their "you can't handle the stress" gambit is so transparent, you should laugh in their faces.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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