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I'm faking it and lying. Why? For attention.


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I don't want to take my meds anymore. I will have to take the morning ones in front of staff or else my case worker will be alerted and eventually I'll prob be sent back to the state hospital.

But the noon and bedtime meds I can refuse. Because my husband is the only one who monitors those. But he has forced them on me before.

I believe that the meds are causing me to be ill psychiatrically and that I'm making it all up for attention. I really am. I just wanted attention and it has gone too far. Maybe I have slight anxiety but nothing else for sure. I am a liar. A faker.

The meds have not done anything. If I were truly ill they would be helping. That is why my pdoc said I'm not better since 2009 when on only 3 meds. He's on to me and knows that I've been faking and lying for attention. It's true. Why would he say that otherwise? I'm hungry.

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I believe that the meds are causing me to be ill psychiatrically and that I'm making it all up for attention. I really am. I just wanted attention and it has gone too far. Maybe I have slight anxiety but nothing else for sure. I am a liar. A faker.

Cheese, I think it's highly unlikely you have been making up your symptoms all this time. I'm pretty sure your doctors would have seen through that straight away. 

 

I often think the same things when I'm very depressed. It's just self-hate driven by depression, for me. In that state of mind it suits me better to think I'm just a weak, whiny piece of shit rather than make a concession that I have an illness that has made things difficult for me.

 

The meds have not done anything. If I were truly ill they would be helping.

Meds aren't reliable enough to use them as a test of whether someone has an illness. It can take years of trying different ones to get any benefit. The fact that meds haven't works means you are treatment-resistant, not a fraud. 

 

I don't think your pdoc saying that you haven't got better since 2009 when you were on three meds is a way of implying you are faking your illness.

Please keep taking your meds. When people fake a mental illness it's very obvious. If you had done that you would not be being treated for schizoaffective disorder today.

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Even if you were faking and making it up, it can't hurt to take the meds for a while. The worst that can happen is they won't help. The best that can happen is that they stop you from being psychotic just in case you're not making it up.

 

It seems unlikely that you have fooled everyone for so long. I don't think I could pretend to have schizoaffective disorder. I would deserve an Oscar if i could pull that off for years. I wish that I didn't really have schizoaffective disorder. I still have symptoms with my meds but not as bad as I would get if I was off them.

 

It might keep you out of the hospital if you take them, like you said. I hope you get some relief soon. Doesn't sound like much fun. 

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I kinda get this feeling of stepping back from my body/life and saying what if this is just all made up and I've been living a lie. Except then I snap back and realize no, this isn't a lie, no matter how much I want it to not be true/to not have this illness. Making up a serious mental illness is horrible and your pdoc/care team would have seen right through it. And maybe you did want attention, but you wanted it in terms of getting help, not manipulation (just saying in general, not trying to tell you what your thoughts are/were).

 

Maybe it feels like the meds aren't doing anything but you have stayed out of the hospital for periods of time, you have hobbies (knitting, right?), you have relationships, etc. Finding the right combination of meds can take years and sometimes it's just like closing your eyes and throwing a dart at the dart board; you don't know where it's going to land or if you're going to score.

 

Don't give up, you're not making any of this up, keep pushing forward to find the right med combination and relief.

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The meds don't work perfectly for all people(in fact I don't know if they work perfectly for anybody, these illnesses can be managed, not cured).  I take meds and I'm still having symptoms, does that make me a liar?  A lot of people take meds and still have symptoms, does that make them liars too? 

 

I believe you're telling the truth about having a very real illness and I'm sorry.  I know it's horrible to have an illness like this, I wish I knew something to say that would make things better for you somehow, but know that I care. x

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Don't apologize Cheesaroni! 

 

I think we all feel like this sometimes.  I feel like I exaggerate symptoms - that I don't minimize them, that what I experience isn't the same as what other people experience.  I think that someone who has thought broadcasting should look sicker than me, so that my thought broadcasting is just something I'm exaggerating or not working hard enough to stop.

 

I am glad you are taking your meds.  That is good. 

 

(And your doctor is dumb about 2009 versus now.  That is all)

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I feel like this all the time since I switched to this clinic.  They won't admit me tto the psych ward - they think I like to go there for attention I guess or that it's so much fun   even after I od they send me straight home.

 

they don't seem to treat me like my last pdoc did - she was very intensive in medicating and whatnot  this pdoc takes things slow at smaller doses cuts out meds I need just bbeecause she thinks they make me sleepy

 

so obviously what I can take from this is that i'm lying and faking and making it all up   I'm an attention seeking drama queen - I have that disease where I make up disorders just to get meds.

 

All this other stuff that is going on in my head is just fake

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I can relate to these thoughts and feelings also. I have involuntarily caused myself many panic attacks when mulling over the idea I am making all this up and I am a fraud and everyone will work it out etc etc etc

 

(((hugs))) to all xx

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