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I feel guilty for having bad thoughts about people, that they are going to cause someone serious harm and I don't want that to happen.

I feel that I need to self injure so that nothing bad happens to the people I had mean thoughts about a penance or atonement of sorts

 

I called the crisis line at my clinic

the on call caseworker told me i'm being irrational and paranoid and that if I need anymore help to ccall my case manager in the morning.  i'm really struggling right now,.  I have my tools sitting right here in front of me and I want to just do it.

 

I felt stupid as a result of what the oncall therapist said, and I feel like if I were to call back again tonight then she would be very upset with me for wasting her time

 

ugh

 

I hate this

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I know what your going through. I've been there before. Just think just because you had bad thoughts doesn't mean that they are going to happen or that you need punished for your thoughts.

Please stay safe.

Edited for typos

Edited by panda90
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What the on call tdoc said was probably meant well, but I know how sometimes it can seem like they're dismissive or unkind, especially when they're short with you. Paranoia is hard to deal with alone; it can quickly become difficult to keep insight or stay calm. Do you have access to any other forms of crisis line support? Maybe hanging out in chat here would help?

 

Also, it would be good to get your tools away from you. Can you make them inaccessible, like wrapping them in a ton of duct tape, or throwing them into a high cupboard you can't reach?

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Those thoughts are difficult to deal with but there is a major difference between thoughts and actions. Just because you have these thoughts does not mean you need or have to act on them. There's a thread posted about different alternatives at the top entitled I wanted to self injure instead.... That may give you some distraction until the urge passes. Or keep posting if you need to.

She's a caseworker so whether she likes it or not, that's her job. If you need to call back, take care of you. You can always call other crisis lines too. I think they're also posted on this forum as well.

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