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Childhood sexual abuse - wish he had done more to me.


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When I was younger, I was continually sexually abused by my best friend's dad. There was never any penetration, but when I get into a particular funk of self-blame, self-hatred, and self-destruction, I have these awful thoughts. I sometimes wish he would have just gone all the way. Because sometimes I think I would have deserved it. Other times I feel like my feelings of the situation aren't justified at all because it wasn't "that bad". Like with my other mental health issues, a lot of times I feel like I'm making it up. That none of it is a big deal. I feel ashamed and disgusting for ever wishing he'd done worse to me; I feel like it greatly minimizes the suffering of others who have experienced rape. I need to get those thoughts out of my head and I'm hoping that working on my feelings surrounding the abuse will shift it, but I am too ashamed to tell my therapist about these particular thoughts. It's horrible; what the hell kind of person would ever wish they had been raped? What the fuck?

 

Has anyone else experienced thoughts like this?

Edited by DontLookAway
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Yup...

Because of these thoughts you were describing, I find it particularly difficult to even talk about it to my therapist. Like it would be easier to deal with the whole thing if I'd have some "proof" of what happened.

Unfortunately I don't have any good advice to give, but just to let you know you're not alone with those thoughts.

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I can hear and understand why you might feel ashamed.

 

The thing is, one of ways that people try to cope with abuse is often to try to 'measure' it, either by a comparison against what we or other people believed to be abuse, or to make it seem less like abuse/deny it was abuse, or to deal with the guilt about the destruction the abuse caused by wishing the abuse we suffered looked more like what we thought abuse was. I was abused by my father and then by various boyfriends, all of which took years for me to call it what it was, sexual abuse.

 

Whatever your best friends dad did, it seems like it caused you a lot of pain and suffering. And sexual abuse of a young person is any sexual contact that harms them, because young people are not able to fully understand the consequences of sex with an adult, nor can they meaningfully consent. Adults are supposed to be able to control their urges and care for young people by not pushing their sexual desires at the young peoples expense. Adults in authority are not supposed to use that authority to abuse other adults, I am not sure how much younger you were, but everything in this applies in that situation too. In our culture, we haven't really got many good examples of what consent is; a lot of media talk about abuse concentrates on sensationalizing the worst cases and picking apart those brave enough to talk about being abused. So it's no wonder why you might feel like what happened to you (while it caused you a great deal of pain) was not enough to deserve to feel that pain or get help.

 

Examples of sexual abuse to young people that isn't penetrative rape would be:

 

Showing them pornography

Verbally harassing them about sex.

Pressuring them to send photos/take photos/take videos.

Pressuring them to talk in a sexual way/describe their own adolescent sex life for the adults pleasure

Any unwanted physical touch.

Any sexual touch (under or over clothes)

oral/anal sex (giving or receiving)

Persuading that young person to perform sex acts on someone else in front of the adult.

Having the young person watch the adult engage in sexual acts.

 

The thing that ties this list together is that the young person is put in a position where their right to be protected from sex with an adult is violated and the adult pursues their pleasure at the expense of that persons well being. Now someone who was not touched in a sexual way could suffer just as much from verbal harassment or photography. There is no scale where someone who was penetrative raped felt more pain than someone who was orally raped. If someone is forced to perform a sex act with someone else or talk about sex with someone else, that is no less suffering than someone who was forced to have sex with their abuser. Often people who start to talk about being abused as things like:

 

  • What if I felt aroused physically?
  • What if I didn't fight back?
  • What if I didn't tell someone?
  • What if I tried to tell someone and they silenced me/didn't believe me?
  • What if I didn't say no?
  • What if I liked the feeling of being singled out or chosen for attention?
  • What if complying meant I got special privileges or favours?
  • What I was a sexually active child/teen with other people?

 

None of those situations mean that you invited or welcomed abuse, or that it was right for that person to abuse you. In many cases, abusers pick out young people who are lonely, have no adults around them to watch them or who are not very assertive: because they know the abuse will go unchallenged. I have heard people who survived sexual abuse talk about how they should have told someone, or being abused made them solitary and unable to reach out. Sometimes abusers set that up to make it harder for someone to tell.

 

Often abusers will play on the idea that if a person didn't fight back and give the typical resistance the first time, they wanted the abuse or that no one would believe you if you told. The body often freezes when under threat, that response is to keep someone alive; in the animal kingdom, 'playing dead' makes an animal less attractive to a predator and conserves the vital blood circulation processes when under stress. If you were shocked or confused at the onset of abuse, that is normal, young people shouldn't be on high alert for adults to abuse them and be able to confidently fight them off, adults are bigger than children. Trying to have sexual contact with a child is wrong for any adult, whether to young person says no and fights or complies. The body can react to sexual stimulus even when locked in fear, physical arousal is not proof the contact was wanted and not abuse.

 

Sometimes abusers play on making the young person feel special, give them gifts, be an emotional confidant or 'friend' figure, anything like this is often known as grooming, a way to keep the young person manipulated into not speaking up. And this happens to so many young people (sadly) regardless of their gender, home background, confidence etc. As for the last one on that list, sometimes sexual abuse can make someone start their sex life earlier and on confused terms. Whether you were sexually curious or active or not, the adults around you should have supported you to be safe, not taken advantage of you.

 

Whatever reason an abuser might have for abusing you, it is there to serve their purposes. It's not a reflection on you for not having been abused/been abused enough/making it up. And there may be people who would judge you and not be willing to call the abuse what it was, maybe they feel afraid or scared or your story reminds them of painful experiences of their own etc. It is never okay for any adult to have sex with a child/young person who cannot consent, against their consent. If you feel pain and hurt about what happened to you, it is okay to talk about that with your therapist no matter what that sounds like when you put it into words.

i just want to say THANKYOU.  That was well written and helpful. when i first noticed this topic it sent chills up my spine and now im all over the place. it has unsettled me. your story was comforting. Thankyou once again.

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Not all abuse is rape (but all rape is abuse). He should not have done that and he really should have known better! Adults exist in childrens' lives to keep them safe. Not to hurt them like that.

 

What you're feeling (a funk of self-blame, self-hatred, and self-destruction) is really common. It's great that you're working on them. Without looking at the central issue though, you might spin in circles for a little while. Some people do, some people don't. I tend to.

 

Lots of survivors (even survivors of what the rest of the world would call horrific and terrible and torturous) end up feeling like what we went through wasn't a big deal. It's part of what allows us to get through the experiences while they're happening. But it's really easy to get stuck in that mindset, too. No abuse should have happened. Which means that, just because it did, it's automatically a big deal. If you were making it up, you would make up all kinds of things. Not just things that are making you miserable and hurting you. You'd also make up stories about wonderous things, and amazing things as well. 

 

There are also a fair few survivors who have thoughts about being raped again in ways that would allow them to take more control of the situation. So you're really not the only person at all to wish that something else had happened, or would happen again. Even if they're not actually healthy things to have happen. And regardless of the end result, the feelings of minimization, humiliation, shame, self-loathing, those are all the same. It's why there's only one term - survivor (much as I hate that word sometimes, too).

 

I do think that you should tell your tdoc. If only because then you can get assurances from a professional that you are really not alone in this mindset and that lots of other people have been there and are there, too. 

He shouldn't have done this to you. I hope that you can find some ways to heal.

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I felt that way before. I was assaulted the last time, I was asked constantly, did you fight back. See I was actually penetrated and raped and blamed and hated myself for not having marks on my body to prove that I said no. Then many years later I saw a documentary in which some women even had discs displaced in her jaw from being punched during an assault and she still blamed herself. So, I believe self blame is a part of it. "If only X had happened, then maybe they would have believed me" or "If I only had done X, it would prove to myself that I didn't want it and I truly could not have prevented it". But I don't think that whatever X is, would change those feelings. We have those feelings because it's part of dealing with being victimized, I think. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it. I hope this helps.

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Thanks so much, everybody, for your responses. It really means a lot to me to have your support. I can't thank you enough.

 

 

Yup...

Because of these thoughts you were describing, I find it particularly difficult to even talk about it to my therapist. Like it would be easier to deal with the whole thing if I'd have some "proof" of what happened.

Unfortunately I don't have any good advice to give, but just to let you know you're not alone with those thoughts.

 

Thank you. Although of COURSE I wish you weren't in this situation, it is comforting to know I'm not alone. Hang in there.

 

 

I can hear and understand why you might feel ashamed.

 

The thing is, one of ways that people try to cope with abuse is often to try to 'measure' it, either by a comparison against what we or other people believed to be abuse, or to make it seem less like abuse/deny it was abuse, or to deal with the guilt about the destruction the abuse caused by wishing the abuse we suffered looked more like what we thought abuse was. I was abused by my father and then by various boyfriends, all of which took years for me to call it what it was, sexual abuse.

 

Whatever your best friends dad did, it seems like it caused you a lot of pain and suffering. And sexual abuse of a young person is any sexual contact that harms them, because young people are not able to fully understand the consequences of sex with an adult, nor can they meaningfully consent. Adults are supposed to be able to control their urges and care for young people by not pushing their sexual desires at the young peoples expense. Adults in authority are not supposed to use that authority to abuse other adults, I am not sure how much younger you were, but everything in this applies in that situation too. In our culture, we haven't really got many good examples of what consent is; a lot of media talk about abuse concentrates on sensationalizing the worst cases and picking apart those brave enough to talk about being abused. So it's no wonder why you might feel like what happened to you (while it caused you a great deal of pain) was not enough to deserve to feel that pain or get help.

 

Examples of sexual abuse to young people that isn't penetrative rape would be:

 

Showing them pornography

Verbally harassing them about sex.

Pressuring them to send photos/take photos/take videos.

Pressuring them to talk in a sexual way/describe their own adolescent sex life for the adults pleasure

Any unwanted physical touch.

Any sexual touch (under or over clothes)

oral/anal sex (being forced to perform it on someone else have it forced on you)

Persuading that young person to perform sex acts on someone else in front of the adult.

Having the young person watch the adult engage in sexual acts.

 

The thing that ties this list together is that the young person is put in a position where their right to be protected from sex with an adult is violated and the adult pursues their pleasure at the expense of that persons well being. Now someone who was not touched in a sexual way could suffer just as much from verbal harassment or photography. There is no scale where someone who was penetrative raped felt more pain than someone who was orally raped. If someone is forced to perform a sex act with someone else or talk about sex with someone else, that is no less suffering than someone who was forced to have sex with their abuser. Often people who start to talk about being abused as things like:

 

  • What if I felt aroused physically?
  • What if I didn't fight back?
  • What if I didn't tell someone?
  • What if I tried to tell someone and they silenced me/didn't believe me?
  • What if I didn't say no?
  • What if I liked the feeling of being singled out or chosen for attention?
  • What if complying meant I got special privileges or favours?
  • What I was a sexually active child/teen with other people?

 

None of those situations mean that you invited or welcomed abuse, or that it was right for that person to abuse you. In many cases, abusers pick out young people who are lonely, have no adults around them to watch them or who are not very assertive: because they know the abuse will go unchallenged. I have heard people who survived sexual abuse talk about how they should have told someone, or being abused made them solitary and unable to reach out. Sometimes abusers set that up to make it harder for someone to tell.

 

Often abusers will play on the idea that if a person didn't fight back and give the typical resistance the first time, they wanted the abuse or that no one would believe you if you told. The body often freezes when under threat, that response is to keep someone alive; in the animal kingdom, 'playing dead' makes an animal less attractive to a predator and conserves the vital blood circulation processes when under stress. If you were shocked or confused at the onset of abuse, that is normal, young people shouldn't be on high alert for adults to abuse them and be able to confidently fight them off, adults are bigger than children. Trying to have sexual contact with a child is wrong for any adult, whether to young person says no and fights or complies. The body can react to sexual stimulus even when locked in fear, physical arousal is not proof the contact was wanted and not abuse.

 

Sometimes abusers play on making the young person feel special, give them gifts, be an emotional confidant or 'friend' figure, anything like this is often known as grooming, a way to keep the young person manipulated into not speaking up. And this happens to so many young people (sadly) regardless of their gender, home background, confidence etc. As for the last one on that list, sometimes sexual abuse can make someone start their sex life earlier and on confused terms. Whether you were sexually curious or active or not, the adults around you should have supported you to be safe, not taken advantage of you.

 

Whatever reason an abuser might have for abusing you, it is there to serve their purposes. It's not a reflection on you for not having been abused/been abused enough/making it up. And there may be people who would judge you and not be willing to call the abuse what it was, maybe they feel afraid or scared or your story reminds them of painful experiences of their own etc. It is never okay for any adult to have sex with a child/young person who cannot consent, against their consent. If you feel pain and hurt about what happened to you, it is okay to talk about that with your therapist no matter what that sounds like when you put it into words.

 

Wow, thank you so very much for this. Spot on. It made me cry for a lot of reasons. I really really appreciate you sharing all that. I think I might read this post whenever I feel shitty about the whole situation. I hope that when I go back to my therapist after my winter break, I'll be able to talk about that part with her...no matter how it sounds when I put it into words. It just sends chills down my spine. I like to challenge myself though. Thank you so much.

 

 

I am doing a lot of reading myself to deal with these kinds of worries. I have found these resources to be helpful:

 

http://www.napac.org.uk/how.asp#booklets

 

They are from a national charity, they cover all kinds of abuse, not just sexual and are very sensitively and clearly written.

 

Thank you for sharing this!

 

 

 

Not all abuse is rape (but all rape is abuse). He should not have done that and he really should have known better! Adults exist in childrens' lives to keep them safe. Not to hurt them like that.

 

What you're feeling (a funk of self-blame, self-hatred, and self-destruction) is really common. It's great that you're working on them. Without looking at the central issue though, you might spin in circles for a little while. Some people do, some people don't. I tend to.

 

Lots of survivors (even survivors of what the rest of the world would call horrific and terrible and torturous) end up feeling like what we went through wasn't a big deal. It's part of what allows us to get through the experiences while they're happening. But it's really easy to get stuck in that mindset, too. No abuse should have happened. Which means that, just because it did, it's automatically a big deal. If you were making it up, you would make up all kinds of things. Not just things that are making you miserable and hurting you. You'd also make up stories about wonderous things, and amazing things as well. 

 

There are also a fair few survivors who have thoughts about being raped again in ways that would allow them to take more control of the situation. So you're really not the only person at all to wish that something else had happened, or would happen again. Even if they're not actually healthy things to have happen. And regardless of the end result, the feelings of minimization, humiliation, shame, self-loathing, those are all the same. It's why there's only one term - survivor (much as I hate that word sometimes, too).

 

I do think that you should tell your tdoc. If only because then you can get assurances from a professional that you are really not alone in this mindset and that lots of other people have been there and are there, too. 

He shouldn't have done this to you. I hope that you can find some ways to heal.

 

 

I really, really appreciate your reply. Thank you. I hate the word "survivor", too.

 

 

I felt that way before. I was assaulted the last time, I was asked constantly, did you fight back. See I was actually penetrated and raped and blamed and hated myself for not having marks on my body to prove that I said no. Then many years later I saw a documentary in which some women even had discs displaced in her jaw from being punched during an assault and she still blamed herself. So, I believe self blame is a part of it. "If only X had happened, then maybe they would have believed me" or "If I only had done X, it would prove to myself that I didn't want it and I truly could not have prevented it". But I don't think that whatever X is, would change those feelings. We have those feelings because it's part of dealing with being victimized, I think. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it. I hope this helps.

 

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I hope since then you've been able to work through it all. Thank you for your response, it really means a lot to me.

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I felt that way before. I was assaulted the last time, I was asked constantly, did you fight back. See I was actually penetrated and raped and blamed and hated myself for not having marks on my body to prove that I said no. Then many years later I saw a documentary in which some women even had discs displaced in her jaw from being punched during an assault and she still blamed herself. So, I believe self blame is a part of it. "If only X had happened, then maybe they would have believed me" or "If I only had done X, it would prove to myself that I didn't want it and I truly could not have prevented it". But I don't think that whatever X is, would change those feelings. We have those feelings because it's part of dealing with being victimized, I think. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it. I hope this helps.

i was asked why didnt you fight back scream do something and then most of my family are in denial and say its in my head and get over it. but i constantly live with it and even attempted to speak to the people in volved. told i was causing trouble. so today ive got the blues. wish you well.

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I felt that way before. I was assaulted the last time, I was asked constantly, did you fight back. See I was actually penetrated and raped and blamed and hated myself for not having marks on my body to prove that I said no..

I was also asked if I fought back, by everyone. The nurses and doctor at the hospital, the police who took my statement, my family, my friends. And everytime I said no I got a very similar response .

Everyone wanted to know why not, if I didn't want to and he really tried to force me why wouldn't you have tried to fight back. At the time I don't think I was in a well enough frame of mind to verbally express the reasons why. In fact at that point I'm not sure I even understood why I hadn't fought back. Now I can say it was because I was terrified that if I fought back he would kill me. But at the time I was 15, terrified, ashamed and had no way to explain this.

For a long time I felt like what happened to me wasn't a big enough deal for it to have affected me as much as it did. And there were times that I wished it had been worse, if only so the way I felt about it would be justified.

For a long time I felt like I did everything I was supposed to, everything they (schools, magazines, ect.) tell you to do if you are raped. I went to the hospital, I filed a police report. All along the way what I went through was minimized and made to seem like I was overreacting. So in hindsight I suppose it makes some sense that I started to feel that way as well.

It took me years to accept that what happened to me was significant, and that it was not some kind of crazy over reaction on my part. It is terrible, but in so many ways the area I grew up in and my familys views on sex really made me feel as though what I went through was something I should be ashamed of. Untill I moved away at 18, I was generaly refered to or described as "that mormon girl who was raped".

For a while I went to a support group for victims of sexual abuse, nearly everyone there had feelings similar to those you are describing. Feeling as though it wasn't really that bad/wishing it had been worse. I hope you do try to talk to your therapist about this because I'd be willing to bet this is something they are familiar with.

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Wow, it REALLY bothers me that it was so minimized for some of you. I can't find any logical reason for that being done, especially by health care providers. That's obscene. I'm so sorry you had such horrible experiences when trying to speak up and get help, KnottyNikki, The 3 Me's, and OwlDello. I sincerely hope you aren't met with that reaction again. 

 

And thanks OwlDello, I've decided I'm going to try to spit it all out when I see her again. I know I can trust her, I've seen her on and off for 3 years and she's the best therapist I've had. Plus, in recovery, if I'm doing or talking about something that's really uncomfortable, it probably means I'm doing it right. I'm ready for the challenge and I'm ready to let go of this.

 

Again, thanks everyone. :)

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  • 1 month later...

I think its normal and common to feel like we dont always have a right to hurt so bad because we see others had it worse or we tell ourselves "but he didn't do that". Many of us have thoughts like wishing we'd been hurt more because we think we deserve it or it would justify how bad we feel.

 

I don't know if this helps at all but I was abused in more than one way. I was raped and badly hurt physically, but I was also emotionally abused and locked in isolation and things like that. Looking back I often think the mental/emotional stuff left more lasting and severe damage. Don't get me wrong, being raped is horrible and takes something from a person that never comes back. I'm just saying that it doesn't take rape to destroy someone. I would have been just as destroyed by the other stuff alone, so its okay to hurt as bad as you do, because what you went through did hurt you and it was wrong and you didn't deserve it and you should get to feel your pain without apology for it.

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Examples of sexual abuse to young people that isn't penetrative rape would be:

 

Showing them pornography

Verbally harassing them about sex.

Pressuring them to send photos/take photos/take videos.

Pressuring them to talk in a sexual way/describe their own adolescent sex life for the adults pleasure

Any unwanted physical touch.

Any sexual touch (under or over clothes)

oral/anal sex (being forced to perform it on someone else have it forced on you)

Persuading that young person to perform sex acts on someone else in front of the adult.

Having the young person watch the adult engage in sexual acts.

 

 

 

 

Thanks Titinia!  It was helpful to read this.  It helped me to see that I WAS sexually abused by a cousin who I have always felt was a perpetrator (even though I didn't think he did anything to me). 

 

 

 

 

TRIGGER!!!

 

 

 

 

He used to call me from prison when my parents weren't home and talk sexually to me.  He would also grab me and force me to sit on his lap.  I have always felt gross about him, but have never felt like it was enough to call sexual abuse.  Maybe because my other abuse was so extreme, it was hard to see this as abuse as well. 

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i was asked why didnt you fight back scream do something and then most of my family are in denial and say its in my head and get over it. but i constantly live with it and even attempted to speak to the people in volved. told i was causing trouble. so today ive got the blues. wish you well.

 

 

 

I did fight back at times, and I learned that that usually made things worse.  So I stopped fighting back. 

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^ agreed fighting back often made it worse. You learn to give in and follow orders so you will suffer less pain. I became extremely conpliant and still have trouble standing up for myself. I feel the need to apologize for everything. I will still to this day just let people hurt me if it makes them happy.

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I became extremely conpliant and still have trouble standing up for myself. I feel the need to apologize for everything. I will still to this day just let people hurt me if it makes them happy.

 

My story exactly.. After two years of quite intensive therapy I'm only now beginning to recognize the situations where I could/should stand up for myself (or protect myself) ..

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I became extremely conpliant and still have trouble standing up for myself. I feel the need to apologize for everything. I will still to this day just let people hurt me if it makes them happy.

 

My story exactly.. After two years of quite intensive therapy I'm only now beginning to recognize the situations where I could/should stand up for myself (or protect myself) ..

 

I now recognize where people would tell me I should. I still talk myself out of it though. I'm not even sure if they are in the wrong anymore because I am so compliant that I make no protest at all. Did you learn how to say no? I'm in therapy but I can't tell my tdoc about this stuff.

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I can hear and understand why you might feel ashamed.

 

The thing is, one of ways that people try to cope with abuse is often to try to 'measure' it, either by a comparison against what we or other people believed to be abuse, or to make it seem less like abuse/deny it was abuse, or to deal with the guilt about the destruction the abuse caused by wishing the abuse we suffered looked more like what we thought abuse was. I was abused by my father and then by various boyfriends, all of which took years for me to call it what it was, sexual abuse.

 

Whatever your best friends dad did, it seems like it caused you a lot of pain and suffering. And sexual abuse of a young person is any sexual contact that harms them, because young people are not able to fully understand the consequences of sex with an adult, nor can they meaningfully consent. Adults are supposed to be able to control their urges and care for young people by not pushing their sexual desires at the young peoples expense. Adults in authority are not supposed to use that authority to abuse other adults, I am not sure how much younger you were, but everything in this applies in that situation too. In our culture, we haven't really got many good examples of what consent is; a lot of media talk about abuse concentrates on sensationalizing the worst cases and picking apart those brave enough to talk about being abused. So it's no wonder why you might feel like what happened to you (while it caused you a great deal of pain) was not enough to deserve to feel that pain or get help.

 

Examples of sexual abuse to young people that isn't penetrative rape would be:

 

Showing them pornography

Verbally harassing them about sex.

Pressuring them to send photos/take photos/take videos.

Pressuring them to talk in a sexual way/describe their own adolescent sex life for the adults pleasure

Any unwanted physical touch.

Any sexual touch (under or over clothes)

oral/anal sex (being forced to perform it on someone else have it forced on you)

Persuading that young person to perform sex acts on someone else in front of the adult.

Having the young person watch the adult engage in sexual acts.

 

The thing that ties this list together is that the young person is put in a position where their right to be protected from sex with an adult is violated and the adult pursues their pleasure at the expense of that persons well being. Now someone who was not touched in a sexual way could suffer just as much from verbal harassment or photography. There is no scale where someone who was penetrative raped felt more pain than someone who was orally raped. If someone is forced to perform a sex act with someone else or talk about sex with someone else, that is no less suffering than someone who was forced to have sex with their abuser. Often people who start to talk about being abused as things like:

 

  • What if I felt aroused physically?
  • What if I didn't fight back?
  • What if I didn't tell someone?
  • What if I tried to tell someone and they silenced me/didn't believe me?
  • What if I didn't say no?
  • What if I liked the feeling of being singled out or chosen for attention?
  • What if complying meant I got special privileges or favours?
  • What I was a sexually active child/teen with other people?

 

None of those situations mean that you invited or welcomed abuse, or that it was right for that person to abuse you. In many cases, abusers pick out young people who are lonely, have no adults around them to watch them or who are not very assertive: because they know the abuse will go unchallenged. I have heard people who survived sexual abuse talk about how they should have told someone, or being abused made them solitary and unable to reach out. Sometimes abusers set that up to make it harder for someone to tell.

 

Often abusers will play on the idea that if a person didn't fight back and give the typical resistance the first time, they wanted the abuse or that no one would believe you if you told. The body often freezes when under threat, that response is to keep someone alive; in the animal kingdom, 'playing dead' makes an animal less attractive to a predator and conserves the vital blood circulation processes when under stress. If you were shocked or confused at the onset of abuse, that is normal, young people shouldn't be on high alert for adults to abuse them and be able to confidently fight them off, adults are bigger than children. Trying to have sexual contact with a child is wrong for any adult, whether to young person says no and fights or complies. The body can react to sexual stimulus even when locked in fear, physical arousal is not proof the contact was wanted and not abuse.

 

Sometimes abusers play on making the young person feel special, give them gifts, be an emotional confidant or 'friend' figure, anything like this is often known as grooming, a way to keep the young person manipulated into not speaking up. And this happens to so many young people (sadly) regardless of their gender, home background, confidence etc. As for the last one on that list, sometimes sexual abuse can make someone start their sex life earlier and on confused terms. Whether you were sexually curious or active or not, the adults around you should have supported you to be safe, not taken advantage of you.

 

Whatever reason an abuser might have for abusing you, it is there to serve their purposes. It's not a reflection on you for not having been abused/been abused enough/making it up. And there may be people who would judge you and not be willing to call the abuse what it was, maybe they feel afraid or scared or your story reminds them of painful experiences of their own etc. It is never okay for any adult to have sex with a child/young person who cannot consent, against their consent. If you feel pain and hurt about what happened to you, it is okay to talk about that with your therapist no matter what that sounds like when you put it into words.

So I read this and it got me wondering something. Does this just apply to childhood? I mean what if you grow up and are capable of defending yourself physically now but you still dont? What if you still just do as youre told and you never start to say no? What if you live on your own and have locks on your doors and a phone to call police but you let them in because its just how its always been and you follow their orders because you always have? The paragraph above says its never okay for an adult to have sex with a child but where are the lines when an adult has sex with an adult and they dont like it and dont want it but they dont say stop? Does it make a difference if they have been doing it since that person was a child? And what about pain? Does it make it rape if the person inflicts a lot of pain while doing it or is it still not rape because the person still didn't say no? Should crying be taken as saying no? Can someone please explain the lines for adults?

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