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So let me start this off with a bit about myself, I'm a 30 year old straight male. I'm afflicted with bipolar 2, PTSD and related panic disorder, agoraphobia and GAD especially in social situations. My symptoms are greatly reduced when accompanied with a trusted friend and sometimes when Im hypo I act completely paradoxically. I test INFP or INTJ depending on mood cycling.

Growing up I had a few girlfriends with all but one being very casual. My first and only really serious relationship started at 16 and lasted 4 1/2 years. We tried to remain friends but that failed miserably. My heart was broken by this and was in no hurry to repeat it again soon. I became very ill and had hospitalizations and have since been on long term disability but I paint for occasional extra income.

I've tried some online dating sites with no real success, perhaps I am too honest in my profile or people think I'm ugly. I did recieve some replies but for whatever reasons, they have children etc or just plain fear I broke off correspondance. I dont want kids at the moment, I think I would be a poor parent.

I dont make very much money but I do own my condo and a car so I dont feel like a complete loser. I feel like most women still want a provider and that I am not.

So here I am 30 lonely for companionship and also terrified of the intimacy as I really havent had a true adult relationship. Pretty much all my friends are men and either married or gay so they scarcly know any available women, not that those might be good matches. I'm lost as to what to do, I know finding love is hard enough without all this baggage.

Do I pick myself up dust myself off and quit being such a coward and try online dating again and not chicken out? I refuse to do the bar scene. I've thought about joining intramural sports leagues. I am agnostic so religious groups are out. I never did post secondary education which is where I think a lot of couples meet. I have a severe aversion to schools relating to PTSD. Do I need to see a specialist like a sex therapist? Unfortunately psychologists run 180 for 50mins session here and thats a big monthly hit 1/7th of my income.

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I'd give the online dating another chance, and maybe you should be more "active" on that, rather than wait for women to contact you? (at least here where I live, online dating services are not really very well balanced on the female-men -ratio... there tends to be quite a lot more men around, so naturally (and unfortunately) it's a bit harder to "stand out"...

 

And sports-groups seem like a good idea, even if you wouldn't find a mate there at least it's possible to get some excercise :) Maybe also trying some other hobby-courses (like languages etc., what ever is in your interest)?

 

I wish you good luck, and hope you find some nice available lady in your life.

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If you are on disability, you should have either medicare or medicaid that will cover mental health therapy. Now that it's January 2014 and the Affordable Care Act is in full force, we have TRUE mental health parity in the US now... MH treatment is covered at the same rate as any other condition. I don't know that you necessarily need to see a therapist about this. If it distresses you to the point that it keeps you up at night, I'd say that therapy could be helpful.

 

Putting oneself out there is hard. Feeling lonely is hard.

 

Finding hobbies (including sports, but consider other things too) that you enjoy will put you in a place where you are doing something you enjoy but also are in a position to meet other people and have something neutral to talk about. Volunteering is a good way to meet other people, too. Find something that you like or a cause you support, and offer them some of your time as you are able.

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The best luck I have had personally with online dating is finding a specific dating site suited to your interests or lifestyle. I was truly surprised at finding sites that allowed me to put myself out there for who I am and what I am about. Granted, it is still not an easy process. I think what another poster said about being more active on the sites will greatly increase your rate of meeting people. It's hard, it sucks, nobody likes rejection, but what's the alternative? It's not for everyone, but being open to the idea of a long distance relationship may broaden your search even more as well. I'm still new to this site and don't want to cross any boundaries, but I am aware of a few sites that are more interest oriented than your typical dating sites. Even just searching the web will give you more options as well. I wish you the best of luck! :)

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This sounds a lot like my story.......But hey....I have defeated the idea that I need someone.....When you grasp that it becomes clear that all of what your worrying about is non sense. Not to say your wrong for wanting someone......I have been there.....Freedom lies within you.....To become truly free you just have toaccept the fact that ya maybe I'll have someone or not.....Don't let the fear toe you around. I'm telling you it is so nice to be free from worry!

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I met my husband on Yahoo personals (back when it was free). One of the things you could do is fill out a questionnaire listing if it is okay that your date has children or not. Someone with a child would have been a deal breaker for me. It included other things, like smoking/non-smoking, religion (and how important that was to you), education, etc.

 

If someone is interesting, invite them for coffee at Starbucks, or something like that. It isn't an "official" date, and you can wrap things up in less than half an hour when you know it isn't going to work without being rude, but stay longer when it might work.

 

I am sure you know this, but just in case, it is a better idea for you to give *her* your phone number, than if you ask for her's (If she wants to, of course take it). It is just a safety issue, some women feel threatened if the guy asks for their number right away.

 

I never expected to get married, even though I was dating. I thought at best I would live with someone a few years. But I met my husband 14 years ago, and we got engaged about 9 months after we met. So you never know. DON'T go into a date deciding you have to know someone is marriagable (my spelling starts to fall apart when I get tired, sorry). It can be fun to date a couple of people, even if it doesn't go further initially.

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I met my husband on Yahoo personals (back when it was free). One of the things you could do is fill out a questionnaire listing if it is okay that your date has children or not. Someone with a child would have been a deal breaker for me. It included other things, like smoking/non-smoking, religion (and how important that was to you), education, etc.

 

If someone is interesting, invite them for coffee at Starbucks, or something like that. It isn't an "official" date, and you can wrap things up in less than half an hour when you know it isn't going to work without being rude, but stay longer when it might work.

 

I am sure you know this, but just in case, it is a better idea for you to give *her* your phone number, than if you ask for her's (If she wants to, of course take it). It is just a safety issue, some women feel threatened if the guy asks for their number right away.

 

I never expected to get married, even though I was dating. I thought at best I would live with someone a few years. But I met my husband 14 years ago, and we got engaged about 9 months after we met. So you never know. DON'T go into a date deciding you have to know someone is marriagable (my spelling starts to fall apart when I get tired, sorry). It can be fun to date a couple of people, even if it doesn't go further initially.

 

 

 

Man, That is a blessing!

 

I'm sorry but I put what I said in the quote box by mistake lol.

Edited by sonicwhite
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I think you should give online dating another try.  There is going to be rejection, and you do have to sort through a pool of "no's" sometimes. But it really gives you an opportunity to get to know someone and meet different people.  Online dating was always easier for me because I wasn't into the bar scene either, and was pretty shy about approaching people in general, but it sounds like you aren't the shy type - If joining a sports league is your type of activity, you should totally get out there and do it, even just for the experience.  I wish you luck getting back out there!

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I dont make very much money but I do own my condo and a car so I dont feel like a complete loser. I feel like most women still want a provider and that I am not.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling with this and wish you well in your goal to build a relationship with somebody. Do yourself a favor though, and try not to stereotype the women you might meet before you've even met them. I've seen a lot of men say something like this over the years suggesting that all women want is a certain kind of thing -- a great provider, someone with a lot of money, someone muscular, someone tall, whatever, and it has always really turned me off and even offended me, because those things never applied to me and what I was looking for in a relationship. I'm not saying this is an issue with you, but often the men who have said things like this have had their own set of unreasonable expectations from a love interest. That being said, I know it's frustrating and lonely trying to find a relationship, and I wish you the best.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I appreciate all the replies but this is such a touchy issue and I couldnt face even this thread so I avoided it until now. I didnt intend to stereotype, I myself don't subscribe to the notion of traditional gender roles. However my province is generally very conservative, perhaps I am projecting what I think women desire. I am very progressive and would not feel emasculated by not fitting that role.

I have tried the more proactive approach but it seems like the ratios on some sites are 5:1 or worse male to female. I dont know if I need to work on my pitch, perhaps I am too verbose and that scares them off. So they can certainly be a lot more selective which is a little frustrating, putting yourself out there and being rejected is hard. I have trouble with how much truth I put in my profile, any reference to disability or mental illness seems like repellant. I dont really consider it lying but its withholding a large part of who I am, and bringing it up later on feels sort of deceptive.

I am at a point that I could probably live on the rest of my life alone but I don't want to settle for that. I'm pragmatic almost to the point of being a fatalist so I feel like if it was meant to be it would, and if it stays that way I can accept it. Every night that I go to sleep alone I feel my heart ache for someone to fill the emptiness of my bed. Its strange how much you long for even the simplist of contact in the absence of time.

As for therapy unless I go to public mental health centres which are geared a lot towards homeless and addictions, theres long waiting times (universal for care here) and the better professionals are always private. I dont know if it would change anything but make my wallet lighter, I have not had great luck with it previously. The second option is checking myself into the hospital or doing out patient hospitalizations. Third biting the very expensive bullet,

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