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Always a struggle (Trigger)


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So I'm a lifer, diagnosed with depression in my teens, now in my 30's. Been through two hospitalizations, one for suicidal ideation in high school, and a second for a suicide attempt in my 20's. 

 

I stayed on meds from diagnose through my early 20's. Then I went off and fell into another horrible depression in part due to an abusive relationship, which lead to my suicide attempt. Back on meds I went and then a little bit later I went off and stayed off for 10+ years.

 

Two years ago, I was under incredible stress at work and saw a shrink about anxiety, went back on meds for anxiety and depression, then in Nov 12, I started into a horrible spell….I ended up on pretty much everything possible, effexor, ritalin, abilify, a thyroid medicine, deplin, klonpin, xanax and finally lithium, almost a year later. I started to feel better. In October of 2013, I screwed up and left my meds, all of them at a hotel where I was staying on vacation. It took more than a week for them to get returned and I made the decision to try it on my own. I stayed off my meds and was doing well.

 

I saw my shrink the following month and fessed up, the only thing I was really experiencing was anxiety, so back on the klonopin I went. Well, the end of that month, I went on vacation again and wasn't really feeling it, something very unusual for me as I love to travel. December came and I was struggling with grad school and put my feelings onto the bitterness that resulted from the end of an MBA program. Christmas came and I spent 4-5 straight days in bed.

 

I feel like I'm down sliding considerably and fast. I noticed today at work, that familiar feeling of fuzzy headedness. Thoughts of self injury have come back and well….some worse thoughts as well. 

 

I wasn't scheduled to see my shrink again until Feb-March, but I went ahead and made an appointment today for early next month but I'm wondering if I need to try to get in sooner. 

 

I see my counselor tomorrow, I go weekly but haven't seen her since before the holidays because the office was closed. And the last time I saw her, I was still chalking up my feelings to being school related. 

 

I just can't go through another year of this. At one point, my boss noticed my considerable decline and called me into her office and basically read me the riot act as to why I wasn't performing up to expectations and my normal nature. 

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It sounds like you're doing the right things to get help. You've contacted your doctor's office to move up your appointment and you thankfully have a counselor to see tomorrow. If it is stressing you out, causing more anxiety, or you feel like you just can't make it, reschedule the psychiatrist's appointment for sooner. If you feel it's an emergency, you express that to them and there should be no problem with getting you in sooner. You've also joined this forum to reach out to others who can relate. I hate to sound presumptuous or for this to come out wrong, but to me, you're fighting it. You haven't lost hope. You're struggling and suffering, yes, but you're also reaching out. This is good. You're aware of your symptoms and how you feel and you're addressing them. Try to continue to find outlets to get by day to day. It is a day to day struggle until you find that combination of therapy/meds/lifestyle that works for you. But from what it sounds like, you've found it before and you can find it again.

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