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Ok, so here's the thing.

I don't get why I allow basically just anyone abuse me. Either mentally, physically or financially.

The most recent event is from today, a so called "friend" of mine called and demanded (yes, demanded.. not even asked) me to see him. When I went, he showed me some flights online, and just told me to book them for him (he doesn't have a credit card), and even though every single cell in my body yelled "NO!", I did it anyway.

Ok yes, he does pay me back (although sometimes it might take "a while"), but it doesn't change the fact that it messes up my finances for quite some time.

 

Not such a big deal by itself, I guess.. but things like this happen all the time, everywhere.

 

Even though I know that I should (and I'd want to) just say no, I'm physically unable to produce the words needed.

 

And it really isn't just about this particular person, or this type of issue. The same thing happens in sexual situations, or work related stuff, or even when I should talk about something intimate. I just physically freeze.

 

Everytime something like this happens, it sends me down to the "I'm a total failure, I hate myself"-mood. I have no idea how to avoid these situations or how to get out of that mental state.

 

I've tried to talk about this to my therapist, but I don't think he really understands how bad (and real) it gets.

 

I don't think there is any question hidden in there, maybe I just needed to vent somewhere. Thanks for listening.

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If your therapist doesn't get the fact that you have serious issues with self-respect and boundaries, then you need a new therapist.  There is no reason why you should be living like this.  Get a tdoc who can help you break this pattern and have a fulfilling, rich life.

 

olga

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Olga's advice is very good.  I've been there. But even though I still have those awful moments of self-hatred, I don't find myself giving in anywhere near as much as I used to.

You need a new therapist, and you might also want to write down how you feel and what you want to say to people.  Then you can just hand them a note and let that speak for you. Also, try to visualize conversations with people, in which it ends with your saying 'no.'  You have a right to say no.

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If your therapist doesn't get the fact that you have serious issues with self-respect and boundaries, then you need a new therapist. 

 

He does get the self-esteem and boundary -issues (and so do I), and we've talked about them quite a bit... But still I feel like he doesn't believe that saying no (or anything even remotely confrontational) is so difficult that it actually does paralyze me. He makes me feel like it's only about me not really wanting to do better...

Like I'd choose to be this way.

It's not all bad though.. in two therapy years I've gotten to a point where only about 1/3 of the session goes in complete silence (as opposed to the first year when it was 2/3 silence)...

Anyway, I need to get a new therapist all too soon, this therapy has been a kind of "county-provided", and there are some limits on how long it can last. Guess if the whole idea of trying to find a new therapist freaks the s*it out of me :(

 

Also, try to visualize conversations with people, in which it ends with your saying 'no.'  You have a right to say no.

 

Oh dear, I visualize... you have no idea :) . The problem is that everything is clear and easy and "right" in my head, and then nothing comes out. I guess that's why it's so damn frustrating... I know exactly what I should do or say, and I know that failing to do so, only hurts me and causes me trouble. And still, I just can't do it.

 

you need a therapist who can really really help you with self esteem and saying NO

I can't believe you bought that guy ticktets.

 

Start practicing saying NO with small issues

remember Nanna - you are a PANDA, not a door mat

 

ladybug, thank you for this. You made me smile :) But yes, I agree with you.. I also can't believe I did that. Especially when it's not the first time and I know exactly how it's going to go and what problems follow. Bleh.

 

Sometimes I dream about a "*grrr* !!NO!!"-response (you know.. the "come near me and I'll bite your head off"-type of thing) the next time someone tries to cut in the line or something like that... ;) Small things, yup, definitely should start there.

 

woah. This turned out to be a novel, when I just meant to thank you all for reading and taking the time to reply.

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