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Being Taken Seriously (trigger warning for suicide, cutting)


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I am in so much emotional pain right now. I've been crying for two days straight, my eyelids are raw and sore, my head is killing me. I can't stop the thoughts in my head, rehashing everything that led up to this moment, to my best friend calling me a psychotic piece of shit and telling me never to contact her again. I'm in dbt. I'm on the meds. I tried my best. Then I broke and did something regrettable and now she's gone and I have to live with it. And I can't stop thinking about it and I can't stop crying and it feels like some kind of invisible torture, slowly carving my heart out out of my chest with a blunt instrument, but I just have to deal with it. There is literally nothing I can do to stop this from happening, I just have to go through it. I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward. And I have two kids, that's the only thing keeping me from eating every pill in the goddamn house. I thought about cutting myself, to distract myself fro the emotional pain but we are living with my inlaws and they would probably kick my crazy ass out if I did that.  I want it to STOP. I can't do this, I can't keep feeling like this. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I want painkillers, Lortabs, they're the only thing that has ever made me feel better. Not anti-depressants,not mood stabilizers, not antipsychotics or anitconvulsants, not therapy. But I don't have any and I don't know anyone to be able to get any. 

 

I'm on the lowest dosage of pristiq and seroquel. I asked if I could be bumped up on the pristiq and the doctor said I was overmedicated lol. I'm making my family go broke by going to DBT once a week.  And I'm still like this.  This shit is still happening.  I've pissed people off here to the point where they don't even want to reply to me anymore.  I've made my only friend hate me.  I guess this is just my punishment? Everything has consequences. My actions did this. I did this. I did this.  I guess this is what I deserve. 

 

You guys, I don't know what to do. I know people say you can recover from BPD but I just, what if that's not what I have? Am I just a bad person? Is there even a cure for that? Nothing has worked so far, nothing is working. I'm trying with the dbt, I thought I was getting better. And the doctors and the therapists, no one seems concerned, no one seems to care, they just hand me my pills or give me my dbt handouts and tell me to practice my skills, like its that easy. I feel like the only way anyone's going to see how much pain I'm in and how fucking horrible I am and that I need SOMETHING ELSE is to slit my wrists and get myself committed. 

 

But the great fucking thing is there is nothing else. This is it.

 

This is no way to live. I get no joy from things. I hardly feel anything for my husband or my children because I gave everything I had to the friend I just lost.  I don't know if I can get it back.  I don't know how to be alone. I don't know how to do this. This isn't a way to live.  I shouldn't be alive.  I don't want to be. But I'm not going to do anything about it except complain apparently. 

 

I want to sit here and beg and beg and beg for someone to help me, please, just help me. But you can't. No one can. No one can. It's all up to me. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP MYSELF WHEN I'M LIKE THIS? This is fucking torture. This isn't a way to live. This isn't a way to live. Someone just talk to me. Please?

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I'm sorry. Losing a friend really hurts. Ordinarily, I don't post on this board because BPD is not really something I understand, but I just want you to know that I'm reading. I'm sorry that you are in such a bad spot right now. It always helps me to keep in mind that "this too shall pass" and you will be ok again. It's easy to say, I know. Take care of yourself.

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I think that the answer to "how am I supposed to help myself when I'm like this" is that that's why we learn coping skills. They're harder to use when we're distressed, but the fact that they're harder to use means that they're more important. Do you have some that work for you written down anywhere?

 

Also, if you need to talk to someone, we have chat here, too. You're welcome to use it.

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I can only imagine the pain you're feeling right now, losing a friend is really awful. Just tonight I became very distressed (thought about wanting to kill myself) over a very small perceived rejection, so losing a friend must be a million times worse. I wish I had some good advice, but unfortunately I don't have very many DBT skills myself. I hope you find your way to feeling better sooner rather than later.

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I'm so very sorry I didn't see this earlier. 

 

I just want to tell you that I see your pain.  I don't know that there's anything I can do to help.  But I know exactly that feeling; you wrote it very very well, although so skillfully that your words bring the pain to mind and so it's hard to respond.  The carving out part of my soul, yes, exactly.  I'm so sorry.  I know how it hurts.

 

I lost my oldest childhood friend two years ago because of someone else's mistakes and my own bad judgment.  She thinks I'm a horrible person.  I'm still not sure, wrt the situation she saw, whether I'm not.  I may very well be that person she thinks I am; I don't know.   But...  I know

 

I did the best I could with the knowledge and the skills available to me at the time.  Sometimes I change that and say "with the emotions and energy" or whatever, but the point is-- I didn't CHOOSE to fuck up.  I didn't take a look at both options and say OH HEY I enjoy feeling like shit, I think I'm going to choose whatever hurts me the most -- at least not with a sane mind.

 

I find it sometimes helpful to just say "okay, fine, brain, you're right, my boyfriend is definitely leaving me right now, he's packing as I sit here in this car sobbing, and you know what--  I still have to bring the goddamn groceries in or the milk will go bad."

 

I don't know if any of that is worth anything to you, but I do see your pain.  And fwiw, you haven't annoyed me.

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@vacillate_wildly I'm sorry you had to deal with such pain as well.  Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. 

 

@saveyoursanity This was a very triggery post, wasn't it? :  Darn my shitty impulse control.  Anyway, thank you for replying. Your words are definitely worth something to me. <3 You sound like you really understand me, and really sometimes I think that's all I need. I'm not on the board very frequently (I've had message board problems in the past, I think I'm scared to) but I'm really glad I haven't annoyed you yet or made you dislike me somehow, you're pretty great. 

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