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Lost_In_Wonderland

Friends not helping with my GAD/Agroraphobia...

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*I'm not sure if this should be in this or the drug forum, it affects both :-/* 

I know they are trying to reach out and help.

    But right now I am dealing with Bipolar 11, PTSD, GAD and Agoraphobia. 

I used to self-medicate a lot to deal with this. A bit of coke and E and K (god...the K) and I was the life of the party.

But now I am off of everything except valium (prescribed) and subutex (also prescribed). I was prescribed Xnanx but ran out and new pdoc won't prescribe. 

     In public situations, without K and vals and weed I feel so anxious. Before I ever started drugs I was raped (twice) and my best friend in the world died 8 months ago. 

    The subutex helps when I am out or especially in my studio with my fiancee, so does the K. Then I can enter a whole little TV/Movie planet and not worry about the pain, grief and incredible anger I feel.

    But I haven't been able to get K, my fiancee really wants me to stop that and the subutex, intellectually I know hes totally right but then the pain (plus physical withdrawl) will come flooding back and I don't think Im strong enough to cope. 

I am in a drug care program called ISIS, I see a doctor and caretaker about once a week. I have a GP appointment tuesday and am going to ask for a pdoc referral. (Had to pay privately for the one who prescribed the xnanx, im in London btw so most healthcare is free or cheap luckily.)

    Into this whole mix jumps my friends. They remember the fun, social girl I was 2 years ago when I was in college and lived for parties and cocktails and boys. I still love them, still care too much but im scared. Scared of letting them into my heart when my best friend is gone and never coming back. I has another friend die this year too and the pain...the pain.

    One of my other best friends has been trying to write me since xmas to give me a present, she invited me and my fiancee to a salsa thing tonight. I love her but usually we give each other these really lavish presents (when I used to work and actually had money) but im almost to poor to buy food atm. 

    Same with my other friends...even though I try to keep reminding myself there MY friends, they like me for a reason, I am just so anxious and worried of doing or saying the wrong thing, having an episode. I cant see one of my best friends because I am too embarrassed I couldn't afford to buy her an xmas present...what does that say about me?

    I had a horrible episode two days ago, when I ran out of weed/K and couldn't get more. It involved screaming at my fiancee (who traveled all the way to get it but the guy was out), him threatening to go back to NY, plates smashing across the room (by me). It was so horrible. I felt so much anger, so much RAGE, and my caretaker at ISIS said it was because for once I was not sedated and supressing my emotions. This may be true, but how do I deal? I am a good person, really. I love my fiancee so much and am the girl with the biggest smile. I want everyone to like me. Maybe thats part of the problem...but how can I change that? Do I even want to?

    I just want to be the girl I was, but I feel like when my best friend died this huge part of me died too. She was like my twin almost, we were so similar. She was the only one I could be myself with, really talk too. 

    I dont want to lose my other friends but esp the ones who aren't as close or don't have MI's....they would think me a freak (says my brain). 

 

Its so much safer just to hide.

(P.S. So sorry for the length of this...I am usually quite suppressed so when something comes out it does so in a rush! >.<)

Edited by Lost_In_Wonderland

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I cant see one of my best friends because I am too embarrassed I couldn't afford to buy her an xmas present...what does that say about me?

 

It says you are still the same person you were, just someone who is having a hard time right now managing things, including emotions, and that puts a drain on your financial resources.

 

It doesn't mean anything about you as a person. Everyone has hard times now and again.

 

While it might feel safer to hide in the short term, it sounds like hiding is ultimately getting in the way of having the kind of life that you want to have. Anxiety tends to respond really well to any of the cognitive behavioral, or "third wave behavioral" therapies (DBT, ACT, MBCT), especially when combined with appropriate medication use.

 

I'm not sure if you are saying that you think your use is problematic.

 

It sounds like you might have access to some good resources through ISIS. I wonder what kind of mad skillz you can pick up for managing the anxiety there.

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I cant see one of my best friends because I am too embarrassed I couldn't afford to buy her an xmas present...what does that say about me?

 

It says you are still the same person you were, just someone who is having a hard time right now managing things, including emotions, and that puts a drain on your financial resources.

 

It doesn't mean anything about you as a person. Everyone has hard times now and again.

 

While it might feel safer to hide in the short term, it sounds like hiding is ultimately getting in the way of having the kind of life that you want to have. Anxiety tends to respond really well to any of the cognitive behavioral, or "third wave behavioral" therapies (DBT, ACT, MBCT), especially when combined with appropriate medication use.

 

 

^ Thank you so much  for this ^.^

 

I had a doctor app yesterday to refer me to a psychologist/psychiatrist and she said she would put a referrel in but it may take up to two months or longer, after the holiday season and all.  

 

I just felt so trivialized. I tried ending my life in the not to distant past and have cutting problems, as well as the drugs and grief and PTSD. I know what I really need is some kind of programe or something but if I don't get my coursework done and attend class i'll be deported. 

 

So I'm walking this tightrope. Sometimes I feel like im floundering, but I fought so hard to be here I cant give up now. 

 

(I did message my friend and I think we are working things out....I hope so, anyway.) 

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