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When did you first have symptoms?


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I first got suicidal in 6th grade, I was 11 and being bullied really badly.  But.  When I look back, honestly, I can kind of remember having just.... bleak?  dark?  feelings sort of wash over me when I was much, much younger.  I didn't share them with anyone.  I don't have words for them, or images, even, really.  Just a feeling. 

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When I was 14 years old I got the depressive episode (not severe), but it continued too 16 years. Before I was 14 years I did remember I had a hypomanic episode. Between 16 and 17, manic and psychotic episode.

 

My mother said when I was a child I was always too happy to go to school.  Always signing and acting silly and feeling extremely happy. 

Edited by InnovatingProfessor²
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I first saw a therapist at age 10 for depression, but that was rather by chance, so my guess is that it started way earlier. I don't remember being a very happy kid, but then again, I don't remember too much overall. My diary from elementary school is so sad, by age 11 I was calling myself a hopeless nothing and that I'd always be one, or something along those lines. Children shouldn't have to suffer like that, but it seems that a lot of us did as kids.

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I don't know, but I tried to off myself at age ten and ended up in the loony bin. But I don't recall anything that could be called mania until maybe age 15. And if that's what it was, it was mild. Age 22 is a definite possibility for mania, I suppose. But age 27 was the first time when I had a very severe full-blown manic episode. Ended up in the loony bin then as well (after unsuccessfully trying to jump off a skyscraper during the flipping moment). Fun, fun!

Edited by Flash
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I remember having anxiety very young, around kindergarten ... every time my parents would go out, I would throw-up, and finally stop eventually, but when put to bed I would start throwing up again.  I was so nervous/anxious of my parents not coming home.  Idk if that was the beginning of anything, but it was definitely a problem back then.  The babysitter was paid extra to change my sheets etc. 

 

Finally around 3rd/4th grade I didn't have a problem with babysitters.  I think I had a "break" from major anxiety until around middle school and beyond.  It didn't get to the point of medication, but the anxiety was definitely there.

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I'm told I was very moody, hyperactive, and anxious as a young child. My mom has told me that when I was in preschool (ages 4 and 5, I believe), I would cry and have a fit every time she dropped me off there (I'm not sure that's so unusual though). I also had strong fears of storms (a single cloud in the sky would elicit a breakdown that left me hiding and shaking in the closet for hours and hours), and of being alone. I also had intense night terrors sporadically from a really young age up until my early teens. 

 

I don't have a very good memory of my childhood, but one that still vividly sticks in my mind is when I was in elementary school (not sure which grade I was in, but it was one of the later ones- 4th, 5th, or 6th), I would lie in bed awake for half the night just crying with this acute, painful feeling of emptiness, dreading the next day worse than death. Of course, at the time, I had absolutely no way of understanding what was happening, and it scared the hell out of me. I don't remember how this situation resolved, but I guess it did, because for most of middle school and the first year of high school, I actually did really well all things considered (I should probably add that my father had regularly terrorized me my entire life, up until the point when I was bigger than him and started fighting back).

 

Then, sophomore year of high school (I think- it's all kind of a blur and I have trouble placing specific events in the correct chronological order), I suffered a major loss and went into a tailspin. I started having insomnia, started toying with self-injury (though it would be a few years before that really got to its worst), started drinking a lot and thinking of killing myself. Eventually I worked myself up into an anxiety attack that landed me in the ER. And it was all downhill from there. From there came depression, ADs, hypomania, hard drugs, and many fuck-ups on my part. Eventually came mania, psychosis, suicide attempt, the psych ward, diagnosis, etc. etc.

Edited by hagar running
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As a starting point, I had a terrible childhood, not horrible, I don't want to put it on that level, but definitely terrible and terrifying, thus PTSD or CPTSD if you want to be pendantic.  

 

I can remember as early as 4 being completely out of control, the wild child, not violent just all over the place, running, playing with my toys maniaclly, etc.  I also remember brief times that I really wanted to go "home" desperately.  Once I was in kindergarten, I literally could not sit still 98% of the time.  The teachers kind of gave up trying to make me sit still once they realized I was learning everything, making good grades (for kindergarten, smileys I guess).  But they did call my mom in to explain that I needed to take a nap and really just couldn't.  I'm pretty sure the teachers had good intentions but all it did was make it so I was afraid that if I didn't stay still during naptime, home would be hell.  Honestly, at that point, it was probably more ADD than anything else.  If it wasn't for the times the teachers could not get me to lift my head off the table to pay attention, talk, play, do anything, I'd just say it was ADD.  I think some of that was the first symptoms but the situation at home could have accounted for a lot of it.  The whole thing was complicated.  ;)

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My depression started when I was about 13. And that was a big problem for years. Self-injury came along when I was in HS and looking back I think so did the bipolar, but I was good at hiding my moods from my parents and teachers. The anxiety really set in after I moved from TX to NY and was married to my (ex) husband. And insomnia has been a thing for such a long time that I'm not sure when it started.

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I always felt so different and disconnected from everybody else since I was very young, but whether that was my personality or a disorder is anybody's guess. I first had depressive symptoms when I was 13; I self harmed, fantasized about suicide, and almost tried it once. That miraculously cleared up and the rest of my high school years and first year of college were (still to this day) the most amazing times of my life. I was probably hypomanic during a lot of it. Very severe depression followed. Smorgasbord of horrible, horribly symptoms followed. Short periods of hypomania occurred in between. Now I'm rapidly cycling and treading water. 

 

That is it, extremely simplified. 

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