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Hello all,

 

I'm not sure why I belong here but pretty sure I'll figure it out eventually.   :P

 

I'm a 36 year old female from Ottawa, Canada.  Been dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, food issues, uhm .. whatever stuff since age 6?  Went through my first major depressive episode at age 12 and somehow kept it quiet from everyone.  My parents seemed too busy to care oh and also raised me to be co-dependent.  They were wrapped up in their own worlds and when I told them there was a problem I was told that they had been through worse and they were sure it wasn't that bad .. and then they were both killed in a car crash by a drunk driver when I was 16 years old, which sent me into a complete tailspin (and then everything got blamed on that for many, many years).  I have a younger brother and he's gone through PTSD (dx'd by a psychologist).

 

I'm 36 now and admitting / accepting medication for the first time in my life on any sort of permanent basis.  I've coped "very well" over the years (by very well I mean staying off meds) with a mixture of gaming, church/faith and church groups, regimented exercise (road cycling / racing / touring and running / triathlon), diet (when I get it right) and therapy.  This past year I've found those things aren't working anymore and I also do need to add medication into the mix and have finally come to accept that, also my family has finally stopped denying that I have a problem that I need help with as well.  My grandmother has been my closest support and my biggest champion.

 

So far in the past I've tried Paxil, Effexor, Seroquel and now Cipralex/Lexapro.  I've been on the Cipralex for five and a half weeks now which is the longest I've stayed on any medication.  Was on 10mg for 5 weeks and just upped to 20mg this week.  The other medications have not worked for me and caused side effects that I could not deal with.  The first time I tried an anti-D was Paxil and was around 15 years ago and I believe it sent me hypomanic, I stopped taking it after about 3 days, but managed to do quite a bit of damage in so short an amount of time.

 

My family has history with depression and anxiety related disorders on my mom's side as far back as we can remember, especially with the females, there's no history of depression on my dad's side but my dad showed some signs of OCD.

 

I haven't received a diagnosis of anything right now despite being on 20mg Cipralex/Lexapro.  My symptoms get blamed on life circumstance but I'm wondering if life circumstance is not a symptom of something else.  Currently I'm only working part time and also seriously considering bankruptcy .. once I'm stable enough to afford it and able to go through with it.

 

So all I'm aware of is "potential SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)" and "anxiety and depression".

 

So I'm currently trying to figure out what kind of treatment I need, and also looking at maybe living a better life than trying to survive each day.

Edited by Iowella
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Welcome to Crazyboards!

 

I've always been suspicious of people blaming my depression on situational stuff.  I have a very nice husband and family, a house in the country in a beautiful area, several good friends, and a reasonably balanced life.  Despite all that, I have Depression.  So.....is it a chemical change in our brains?  Is it a chronic illness that we manage to mask?  Dunno, but I'm here to tell you that I would never go off my medication and slip down into the Black Pit voluntarily.

 

It may take a while to get a formal diagnosis, but I hope your medical team is committed to treating your symptoms effectively enough so you can have a good life.  Stick with it---a lot of people make the mistake of taking a med for a week or two and then going off it.  You need about 6 to 8 weeks on one to see if it really works.

 

I ask all new members to read the rules, unless you did that when you signed up.  Good luck and I hope you like hanging out here.

 

olga

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Heh I'm looking at a paper that I was given by a mobile crisis team and they wrote support group for anxiety & avoidance.  Now I'm reading up about Avoidant Personality Disorder which does seem to fit and is persistent even when my mood episodes are somewhat in remission.  So heh idk maybe that is one of the pieces of the puzzle.

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Avoidance doesn't necessarily mean avoidance personality disorder. I just want you to know that. It could also mean something like social anxiety. Or it could mean a behaviour, rather than a stand-alone diagnosis. You'll have to ask them what it means for your particular situation.

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Yep except I can't.  They also said I was a perfectionist.  So I read up a bit on maladaptive perfectionism.  Kind of obsessional that I'm still picking it apart two months later?  My friends are sick of me (like I was saying in chat).  It's only fun to be around someone who's depressed for so long.  Once you do what you can to help lift them out of their depression, and they're still depressed, you can only do so much and I understand that.  I've been going out more since getting on this medication, but I am still depressed, and my work is encouraging me to be more self confident and working with me on that right now, they have no idea about these other things going on in my life (I work in an outbound call centre).  As far as they are concerned my performance keeps going up and down and they aren't sure why, but so far are willing to work with me to fix it, and can see that I'm trying.

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I saw my GP today.  I got lucky, I phoned yesterday and she had had a cancellation so I got in to see her right away.  She's going to keep me on the 20mg Cipralex (Lexapro) for now and see how I go, I've been on it for six weeks now with the first 5 weeks at 10mg and 1 week at 20mg so far.  My depression has worsened a bit, but I also lost a close and long time friend (and an ex) to a possible suicide/homicide (they aren't sure which yet) and only found out this past Sunday when I was made aware of his wake which was that same day which I did go to.  My depression is also accompanied with agitation / irritability / restlessness.  I also have no predictable sleep or eating schedule.  I've started to take melatonin (started yesterday) to help with the sleep, and my doctor said "it's my job to eat when I'm not working".  I suffered from anorexia as a teenager and have noticed some symptoms returning which I only am recognizing now.  Unfortunately I'm either starving myself or binging although I don't purge (and my weight is actually healthy).  This has been mostly under control but I noticed yesterday I have a friend who is talking constantly about his weight and it is seriously affecting me right now.

 

My doctor is also referring me to a psychiatrist (yay!).  Some of you from chat know that I have been going back and forth on whether I should go to the ER.  So I was very happy to find out my doctor (GP) was able to see me this week.  She said I don't need to go to ER but I do need more intensive treatment and she would like me to try seeing a psychiatrist again.  I also will be starting with a therapist (tdoc) within the next month or so (waiting on dates).  It will probably take me at least 3-6 months to see a pdoc if not longer (I live in Canada with our public wait list), but I am happy that the referral is being put in.

Edited by Iowella
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