Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Why does your family stop helping you as you get older?


Recommended Posts

   I was going to put this under autism-spectrum disorders,but we are not sure if that's what I really have. However, I feel I need to mention it as it was a bigger issue in the past, but less over time.

 

   I am a 31 year old male. I live by myself...I do just fine financially (thank GOD). I am in good physical health too.  I know blame is not good in general but I don't know who to point the finger at...me (for attaching myself to my family so closely) or my family for breaking promise after promise...Specifically my parents. Firstly I must say I love them till the last drop, but something aint right here....

 

    The aspie-personality was always a bit of a mystery to them and I until I found out about it in 2007, then I asked a few doctors and they said "well you COULD have aspergers" but I don't think it's bad enough to deserve a diagnosis.

but that's not the point....

 

     I remember as little as 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. My parents were very gung-ho about helping me. They would introduce me to people, I would often become friends with them. I'm starting to realize why none of those friendships lasted (any surprise here?) .... Your parents trying to help you as an adult I am finding out is a futile effort.

And I feel guilty because they were so nice to me. And wanted nothing but the best, but I think they gave up on me a few years ago. ... well I mean they will still talk to me over the phone and all (I live in a different city than them) but they have new problems of their own. And I can only imagine their own frustration as to why EVERY SINGLE attempt to help me (socially or whatever) would do nothing but bite us all in the ass (especially me) ... The friends/the girl friends/the romances gone wrong (each and every one of my friends turned out to just want something from me...or control me)

 

  My dad falls deeper into a depression each year because his life did not turn out the way he wanted. Are we just outgrowing each-other?, and my mom just does not know what the F to do with me. I have an intense anxiety building inside of me... I honestly just want to forget my whole family and be a loner...but I have become so attached to them...even the ones that (unintentionally?) mentally abused me.

 

  I would love a group of friends that does not involve Facebook ™ and the people on there that refuse to meet you in the real world. That's another thing that is contributing to me feeling shitty. ...Why does everybody LIVE on that site?... I want friends in the real world where I can see them, see their gestures and actually do REAL things. Instead of me communicating to them for years with only the tip of my fingers. ... 

 

On the outside I appear to be a fine, upstanding man, but on the inside I do not feel this way. I smile and wave at my neighbors, but I know I will never get any closer to them than that.

... Am I just going through some growing pains? I just want ONE night that does not have horrible traumatic dreams about my past. It has built up over the years ... The slate needs to be cleaned.

 

PS ...even if you have no idea about my main (topic) issue. I would love some kind of explanation of why people are comfortable with living on social networking sites like Facebook ™ ... an answer to that would take 1,000,000,000,000,000 lbs. off of my shoulders

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I use Facebook to keep up with friends out of state or no longer in my life. I definitely agree with you, it's no replacement for social interaction. Its funny because social networking is supposed to bring everyone together, but instead people seem to be isolating each other (staring at their smart phones all day). 

 

I learned as you get older it gets harder to make friends in general. I'm 29 and usually around our age everyone is married with kids or living happily ever after (or so it seems). In fact, my co-workers were the only "friends" I have had besides my family. 

 

So I do think a part of your problem is growing pains, but that doesn't mean you should be friendless. Try meeting people at work or maybe through similar interests (ie hobbies, church, etc.)

 

Like you said your parents are struggling with things of their own - you live a city away - you seem very successful.

 

Just some thoughts, hope you feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have much to say about what's going on with your family.  There are a lot of details that you have left out, so it's hard to have an opinion as to what I see is going on.

 

But I can talk about FB.

 

I like Facebook.  To me it is simply a vehicle for communication.  But it is not a substitute for personal relationships.  I still have to make time for my friends and seek them out in real life.  

 

I've heard the argument as to why would I be friends with people on FB when I don't make time for them.  All of my FB friends are people I either make time for now (a smaller number), or people I've made time for in the past, but am not capable of doing much right now because of distance, family responsibilities, moved on to a new church, etc. Or they are people I have a friendly relationship with through a mutual activity, like scouting, but don't see on a regular basis.  Or they are extended family.  Not everyone in my life is my most important # 1 priority (that would be three people - my husband and my 2 kids), but that doesn't mean I should shun everyone who is not # 1.  I see FB as a really good tool to stay in contact with people I don't normally see in my day to day life.  As I said before, it's simply a means of communication with people I already have relationships with outside of FB.

 

Case in point:  there is a group of us close friends that all used to go to the same singles department at a church.  We are now all married off, most with kids, and living in cities hours away from each other.  We often use the messaging feature (which I guess is more like a chat feature) of Facebook to have live group conversations, just like we would do if we were all meeting in person.  While I certainly should make time to see them in person, and we do have our annual retreat weekends to do that, it's just not practical to that every day.  But everyday i can have a conversation with them on FB if I wanted.  So instead of waiting a year to catch up with them, I can catch up with them on the fly using FB.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have much to say about what's going on with your family.  There are a lot of details that you have left out, so it's hard to have an opinion as to what I see is going on.

 

But I can talk about FB.

 

I like Facebook.  To me it is simply a vehicle for communication.  But it is not a substitute for personal relationships.  I still have to make time for my friends and seek them out in real life.  

 

I've heard the argument as to why would I be friends with people on FB when I don't make time for them.  All of my FB friends are people I either make time for now (a smaller number), or people I've made time for in the past, but am not capable of doing much right now because of distance, family responsibilities, moved on to a new church, etc. Or they are people I have a friendly relationship with through a mutual activity, like scouting, but don't see on a regular basis.  Or they are extended family.  Not everyone in my life is my most important # 1 priority (that would be three people - my husband and my 2 kids), but that doesn't mean I should shun everyone who is not # 1.  I see FB as a really good tool to stay in contact with people I don't normally see in my day to day life.  As I said before, it's simply a means of communication with people I already have relationships with outside of FB.

 

Case in point:  there is a group of us close friends that all used to go to the same singles department at a church.  We are now all married off, most with kids, and living in cities hours away from each other.  We often use the messaging feature (which I guess is more like a chat feature) of Facebook to have live group conversations, just like we would do if we were all meeting in person.  While I certainly should make time to see them in person, and we do have our annual retreat weekends to do that, it's just not practical to that every day.  But everyday i can have a conversation with them on FB if I wanted.  So instead of waiting a year to catch up with them, I can catch up with them on the fly using FB.

 Hmm, I will try and be more specific about the family issues next time .... I need some time to process this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the responses ppl! 

I would like to focus on the issue of friends, I's very confusing situation for me. I have heard that too (it's harder to make friends as you get older) , but I don't think I am any better or worse at it than I was as a little kid. where all you needed to say was "I like your toy" "let me show you my toy truck" lets play! ... that stuff obviously was over 20-ish years ago.

 

THEN... The teenage years .... (can you say blurry memories?) Funny thing, I always knew my teenage friends would not carry into my adult years...I could just never put a finger on it. I am not the person I was in high school. I am totally a completely different person today. I remember meeting up with an old girlfriend I was with when I was 16.

...In 2007 we were re-acquainted by a friend of mine who knew her and we planned a little get together at a bar in town. So we met up ...She looked at me approaching her and I just knew she was thinking ("sigh... he is not the same")...Then she vanished into thin air after that. I now realize I was all she had. But that is only one example of these kinds of encounters.

 

I do on occasion catch a fish with match.com or a similar site. ... but it always ends up in disaster and/or disappointment.

There was a girlfriend I met on a dating site about a year ago (back when I was living in a different city). She wanted to smother me with love/affection and even sex to the point where it could be considered sexual harassment. Don't get me wrong I was very physically attracted to her but ironically her sexual behavior was pretty much the reason I had to cut her loose. Like I said , she was almost too good to be true. She was all mine without even trying... 

BUT AT A PRICE ... she wanted me on metaphorical probation/house arrest. She could do whatever she wanted , go wherever she wanted , even have other boyfriends. Which honestly did not bother me as I am not the jealous type. I found this out when I moved into the same metropolitan area as her... We met up and we were very happy to see eachother... She lived across town about 15 miles away. So we spent allot of time on the phone and I would visit her between her classes too when we could not be together... I remember getting on the freeway because I wanted to drive downtown... I called her and said ...this is a great town! I love it here... it's so great to finally be near you! Wow the skyline is huge! She responded with simply "your not concentrating on me" ... I said "what do you mean?" I'm just taking a drive. She got mad and would not give me an answer. ... The relationship ended with her devastated and embarrassed and back with her old boyfriend that she was trying to get rid of for me. As for me... I just went about my day because I was just so used to girlfriends (and guy friends) having similar control issues ... And it made me realize that perhaps a majority of my past romantic relationships the girl probably had major control issues similar to the girl I was describing.An ignorant bliss??? ... had to get that out ... sigh...

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family hasnt stopped helping me.  They don[t give me money or anything, but help out with driving me places and things like that.  At one point I wanted nothing to do with them, but I was unmedicated and had no concept of what real life was like.

 

About the social media, I hate FB.  I have never been on it, but I don't want to put information out there where people from high school and college can find me.  I really don't want to associate myself with the friends I used to have.  I don't do twitter, tumblr, pinterest (sp), etc, but I do love to have contact with people on sites like this one (CB).  I'm much more relaxed/calmer/less stressed with having friends on-line than in person.  Personal relationships stress me out completely, and are emotionally exhausting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My family hasnt stopped helping me.  They don[t give me money or anything, but help out with driving me places and things like that.  At one point I wanted nothing to do with them, but I was unmedicated and had no concept of what real life was like.

 

About the social media, I hate FB.  I have never been on it, but I don't want to put information out there where people from high school and college can find me.  I really don't want to associate myself with the friends I used to have.  I don't do twitter, tumblr, pinterest (sp), etc, but I do love to have contact with people on sites like this one (CB).  I'm much more relaxed/calmer/less stressed with having friends on-line than in person.  Personal relationships stress me out completely, and are emotionally exhausting.

I feel you about the FB. Just another reason for me to be anxious and obsessive about things that could go wrong if I type something wrong. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells not saying anything that will offend their religious or political views even though they post it in their profile. The only reason I use it is to communicate with people who live FAR away from me... as in not driving distance. I mean really, if they live in the same town as you why are they on your facebook? Is texting not good enough? I sense allot of exhibition going on there ... "look at how great my life is" when the truth is they are just miserable and looking for attention... No offense to the people who use FB in a constructive way... :) ... but really there are people who would cry if I cancelled my FB, I just wish they would be a bit more socially flexible.

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

this person is pretty much speaking for me about what happened to my friends and (some) family when social media came about

 

(scroll all the way to the bottom to the comments and read the 15th comment (not including the replies) by "BlauPanda", (the one with 8 thumbs up)

 

the nail is hit on the head with my FB problems with what that girl (BlauPanda) said...

 

http://www.cracked.com/funny-2631-why-facebook-sucks/

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

Is texting not good enough?

 

I don't even text.

 

Even though I have to sometimes, I avoid it like the plague. ...I actually lost a very close guy friend because I flat out told him "I do not text" "I would much rather prefer it if you call me". He could not process that for some reason.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is more about relationships than depression, so I'm moving it to the appropriate forum.

 

As some of the others said, I use FB to stay in touch with friends from HS and college who no longer live near me.  It's a great way to see pictures of their kids and grandchildren, hear about their travels, and not be stuck on the phone for hours when I would rather catch up with someone on my own time.

 

If you want to meet someone, I think dating sites do have their place.  However, I also believe in meeting people who share a common interest.  If you like photography, join a club or take a class at the local community college.  You'll meet women with a similar interest.  If you like vintage cars, go to car shows and sign up for mailing lists and clubs, and get involved with that community.  I have no idea what your interests are outside of dating, so I don't know which direction you should be heading.

 

I've met people in bookstores.  I might be cruising the cookbook aisle and another person says "Oh, I have that one and I use it all the time."  And a conversation starts up about cooking.  I've met people in the supermarket, in parks (with my dog), and at flea markets.  Walk dogs for your local humane society.  Do something that gets you out of your usual routine and OFF THE COMPUTER.

 

olga

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i don't have many friends on fb, my policy is first friend request gets ignored, if they request again block the person/cousin/whatever

 

i have my sister on block

 

i have fled the state to avoid family, but have also helped out family in their late 30's when they need it

 

dating sites are odd, and often lead to a meet up that might be coffee, where both parties spend half an hour tweeting on their phones about being on a date, only say 3 words to their date, but assess it as "going well"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is more about relationships than depression, so I'm moving it to the appropriate forum.

 

As some of the others said, I use FB to stay in touch with friends from HS and college who no longer live near me.  It's a great way to see pictures of their kids and grandchildren, hear about their travels, and not be stuck on the phone for hours when I would rather catch up with someone on my own time.

 

If you want to meet someone, I think dating sites do have their place.  However, I also believe in meeting people who share a common interest.  If you like photography, join a club or take a class at the local community college.  You'll meet women with a similar interest.  If you like vintage cars, go to car shows and sign up for mailing lists and clubs, and get involved with that community.  I have no idea what your interests are outside of dating, so I don't know which direction you should be heading.

 

I've met people in bookstores.  I might be cruising the cookbook aisle and another person says "Oh, I have that one and I use it all the time."  And a conversation starts up about cooking.  I've met people in the supermarket, in parks (with my dog), and at flea markets.  Walk dogs for your local humane society.  Do something that gets you out of your usual routine and OFF THE COMPUTER.

 

olga

Thank you for moving it to the correct topic.Well, I have many interests and skills besides dating. Music making (electric guitar), digital design, traveling (good way to get away from the puter,lol), painting, writing (many many more). I would like to get a rock band together perhaps. Funny thing you say "get off the computer" ... I had a psychologist actually tell me ... "if you want to meet the type of people you want to meet you HAVE to work the computer" ... Been a computer geek all my life ,always will be one :) FB/social stuff is usually in a side bar hidden away,.... I am a youtube fan so I spend an hour or 2 on that per day (usually intellectual/documentaries and stuff) so good luck on getting me computer-less,lol...I also do my writing with my computer. ... not to mention my job depends on me checking it several times a day. I really don't share the opinion that computer is doing anything wrong to me, if anything I see it as a neutral part of my mental health .... I wish people would get off their SMARTPHONES(not gonna happen any time soon I'm guessing).... mine is off 90% of the day, even moreso on the weekends...A little rock band would be perfect though. I would be nice to be behind the guitar again, rather than the keyboard.... 

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

i don't have many friends on fb, my policy is first friend request gets ignored, if they request again block the person/cousin/whatever

 

i have my sister on block

 

i have fled the state to avoid family, but have also helped out family in their late 30's when they need it

 

dating sites are odd, and often lead to a meet up that might be coffee, where both parties spend half an hour tweeting on their phones about being on a date, only say 3 words to their date, but assess it as "going well"

This is what I was trying to get at. Instead of focusing on the date it's the smartphone. I remember the last time I went to a restaurant I was in town with my mom, and the table across from us had 5 people...all but one or 2 of them was absorbed in their smartphone, my mom thought it was odd too. It was like they were not even there (or might as well not have been).

 

Hume's doona ... Funny thing, I blocked my sister too. She became a "facebook only" person too. Was snooping into my friends, spreading NASTY rumors about me behind my back to my other FB friends and such... It hit me hard when I moved into the same town as her and it was as if I had not even moved into town.... I expected her to be excited and say "after having to communicate on FB because of distance issues I'm so glad your in town so we can hang out again!" ... nope!

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know about where you live, but here in Nashville, there is  a single's group. It is NOT a dating group, it's more for friendship, just hanging out, they organize a lot of events, sometimes ice skating, sometimes wine tastings, it's really varied and they do a lot of fun stuff. You don't join, you pay per event and you can pick and choose which events you want to join. They advertise it mostly as people new to the city, people trying to expand their social circle, etc. You should looking into something like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know about where you live, but here in Nashville, there is  a single's group. It is NOT a dating group, it's more for friendship, just hanging out, they organize a lot of events, sometimes ice skating, sometimes wine tastings, it's really varied and they do a lot of fun stuff. You don't join, you pay per event and you can pick and choose which events you want to join. They advertise it mostly as people new to the city, people trying to expand their social circle, etc. You should looking into something like that.

Thank you...This is the sort of thing/suggestion I need right now. I live in Miami btw. I'm honestly not in the right way now to be dating,(for the sake of my date especially!...I don't want to end up breaking another heart) I can't do that act right now... I need some time.

 

However JUST friends would be great. Heck, if they don't have that here why not me drive up to Nashville :) Like I mentioned previously, I like to travel anyway.

Edited by Revan
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found the website for the group I was talking about. It's called "Events and Adventures". It doesn't say specifically Miami, but it does say South Florida. If you go to the site and look at the calendar, they have events every day just about and some days have multiple events.

 

www.lotsofevents.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...