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Surprise: my life sucks, hopefully I'm allowed to bitch about it here


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So this is kind of a pointless rant, I will not blame you if you don't want to read it.
 
My life is kind of a wreck again.  I got broken up with by the person I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with.  Before this happened, I was in a state of mind where I couldn't imagine going back to being suicidal again.  I really should have known better, but I had basically been non-functioning for years up until like a year and a half ago, and then it seemed like I had mostly gotten my life on track, I was happy and everything.  Anyway, it feels like things have spiraled out of control again.  I was handling okay for a while, but lately it's been harder.  I've been thinking about suicide a lot, though I don't think I'll actually do it.  Some days are okay, some days it feels like I go out of my mind, I'm a shaking, sobbing mess, my brain kicks into overdrive (racing, repetitive thoughts) and my crazy side takes over, I start 'daring' myself to do things like test out my old method of suicide (basically making sure that I would have a way to hang myself in my new apartment).  I never plan anything, I never have, I'm just completely ruled by impulse, which is very dangerous when you're me.
 
I was doing really well with DBT, doing okay with self-care and everything, but now I have sort of lost the will to do the things I know I need to do to 'reduce vulnerability'.  Like making myself go to bed early (I get really depressed when I stay up), or eating anything.  When I get into this frame of mind, I don't want to help myself anymore.  It's really hard to remember to do the skills when you don't want to feel better.
 
Anyway, things are getting dangerous, I think, and I need to talk to someone about it without doing something crazy as a 'cry for help.'  I hate hate hate talking to people about this stuff because I hate having people worry about me, and keep a closer eye on me, which would make it harder for me to kill myself if I ended up needing to.  So... yeah, I'm just ranting here, I guess, and trying to think of anyone in real life I could talk to, and totally overthinking it, and losing my nerve.
 
Sorry if you had to read this, as it was probably a waste of your time.  Also, if you are worried about me being suicidal RIGHT NOW, I wouldn't worry, it would take a lot more than this for me to actually do anything.
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Anyway, things are getting dangerous, I think, and I need to talk to someone about it without doing something crazy as a 'cry for help.'  I hate hate hate talking to people about this stuff because I hate having people worry about me, and keep a closer eye on me, which would make it harder for me to kill myself if I ended up needing to.  So... yeah, I'm just ranting here, I guess, and trying to think of anyone in real life I could talk to, and totally overthinking it, and losing my nerve.
 
 

 

That instinct to talk to someone is good. I know it sucks, it hurts but it will help, it probably doesn't feel like it right now but eventually.  I don't want you to feel like you need to kill yourself. I don't know, do you you have a tdoc? I suggest calling them if you do. There's this thing called confidentiality, they can't tell anyone unless you are a direct danger to yourself or others, and where I'm from that means saying you're going to hurt someone, or saying you have a direct plan and means to kill yourself. You're not going to get in trouble for saying that. You deserve for someone to care about you. If not can you call a local hotline? They never find out who you are, some people find it very comforting. I know it's not the same as real life, but chat really helps sometimes.

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Yeah, my therapist is also my weekly DBT group leader, and we didn't have group last week, so I've been kind of bottling it up until I see her Monday and Tuesday.  She even gave me her cell number for stuff like this, but I have this thing where I assume that my problems aren't bad enough to bother other people with them.  I've thought about calling the warmline/hotline too, but it's embarrassing.  I feel like it's not important enough to talk about.  But I know, it's something I have to learn to do.  Thank you for replying, I guess I just needed someone to tell me that my problems are worth it.

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I know it feels embarrassing to call those lines but you don't even have to say what your name is, give a fake name if it makes you feel better.

Try and be nice to yourself until then? Talking about these things is something that takes time, I'm not good at it. I used to be worse at it. Your feelings are valid and if it's making you feel crappy then of course it's worth talking about. I'll be thinking of you, check in here some more if it makes you feel better.

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Your problems are absolutely worth it. And anything that makes you feel like that is important enough to talk about. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I can definitely relate to your situation. I was dumped by this guy I was completely head over heels devotedly in love with whom I couldn't picture my life without. And my life took a really dark turn after that. I won't go into detail, but things got bad. And the only thing that helped me slowly start to build some approximate semblance of a life back was talking. A lot. With my therapist, with my sister, with anyone who would listen.

 

But I didn't start opening up about it to recover from it, initially. I opened up because I was desperate for some kind of validation, for sympathy, for commiseration, for pity, and for reality checks about the many measures I wanted to go through to "get him back." Anyway, the point is that the constant talking about it did eventually start to help. But, naturally, there came a point when a substantial length of time had passed and still talking about it and fixating on it so much became "unhealthy," so my therapist at the time gave me "assignments" for distracting myself and trying to recapture things about myself that I had lost to the relationship and had lost in the wake of the break up. 

 

What I'm trying to say is, the immediate aftermath is hell but eventually you will recover from it. You will find a way. That probably means nothing to you right now (it sure as hell didn't to me), but you will. Ask for help, reach out, do whatever you think you need to do to stay safe. It may take hard work. It may take a lot of heartache, sorrow, hopelessness, and bullshit. It may take a while. But it will happen.

 

I'm around two years out from mine and 99.97% of the time I don't even think about it at all, his name and face are the farthest things from my mind. If you asked me what I feel for him, I would say "meh." My life doesn't feel quite as cohesive or as bright as it did before all this happened, that's true, but honestly I think that is less about him and more about my own changed views of and expectations of myself. But I admit (and I've never really admitted this before) that there are still random times when a memory is triggered or something pops back into my head and I can't help but momentarily fall back into that place of sorrow over what I lost, how it was all my fault, how much I still love him but also hate him passionately, blah blah blah. And when it happens I allow myself a few moments to indulge in the heartache, tear up a little if necessary, have my mini pity party. Then, I force it back down and go about my day, or find some different activity to occupy my brain with so he and the whole mess will slip back into whatever space it occupies in my subconscious. And it does. And I do this as many times as is necessary, because there's really nothing else I can do. Those moments are becoming less frequent as he fades further and into my past. Now I can see the possibility of loving other people in the future, when for so long I was convinced I had lost all capacity to love for the rest of my life.

 

My intention for this long-winded, convoluted post is to tell you that it's possible to get back that state of mind you had before this happened. It's possible to get back that happy feeling like your life is on the right track. It will just be a slightly different track than it was before.

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Thanks, everyone :).  I feel a bit better now.  I also saw my tdoc today, It felt better to admit out loud that I'm feeling suicidal.  I will probably work up the courage to try the warmline next time things get out of hand.  Again, thank you for replying :).

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Definitely do it.  I've been there more than I want to admit.  I got ridiculously attached to a friend, he noticed, and for 8 months  -- TWICE as long as we'd actually known each other-- after he stopped talking to me, every single word out of my mouth was "Bryan Bryan Bryan."  Thank god that's over. 

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I'm going through a, well it isn't actually a breakup but it feels like one to me, right now too, and I'm going through the same exact thing. It hurts so much. I'm glad you came here to talk about it and that it helped you, if just a little. I hope your heart heals from this soon. 

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