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*TW* the pain of depressive episodes

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Firstly- I'm sorry if this is too depressive for some. If you're feeling low I don't recommend reading.

I just need a place to get this out- and some of you may be able to relate.

Secondly- I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow and I will be talking to her about my feelings and she is already aware of how low I get.

Thirdly- I am safe at this stage yes.

When I get into my depressive states, I get an ache in my chest- I liken it to heart ache, or a soul ache. It's a pain unlike anything else. Emotional yet physical. It's all encompassing and overwhelming. I also get a psyche ache. It's the mental anguish of my emotional pain I think. A kind of torment and struggle. One that actually seems to be getting stronger, deeper and worse each time I get down. I'm almost certain I cannot take anymore of this roller coaster, unpredictable life. It is a struggle and I'm fed up.

I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of trying meds. I'm sick of therapy. I'm sick of talking about it. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of trying to forget about it and distract myself.

I don't have enjoyable hobbies any more. I have no interests. I have no desire or motivation to find any or try past ones. I have no job, no study abd I don't want to do either. I have totally made peace with the fact I want to die. Not out of impulse or rage. Not due to an external familial or social factor that may pass. But because I honestly no longer want my life. I wish I could donate it to someone dying at present who did.

I know most people believe suicide to be selfish. And I'm fully prepared to wear that judgement. I have kept myself around and tried 9 years of therapy and medication 'for other people' and I'm sorry but I'm done. My desire for emancipation now far outweighs that. That fact I do feel cruel and guilty about. I'm disappointed I will cause others suffering, I truly am deeply sorry. No one deserves to suffer at my hand, but I'm not doing this to spite anyone. I need to be free. I actually do love the people in my life who love me- despite me longer to not be here.

I have the most wonderful pdoc and nursing team at the private ward I do IP at. They've bent over backwards, gone above and beyond to help me. They've supported me and I'm grateful. There's nothing more they could do, honestly.

They haven't neglected any duty of care and none of this is my families fault.

I just want to be at peace.

This is how I'm feeling right now- I just needed to vent :(

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i can relate to you deeply, i have nothing, want nothing, got no motivation and i wish i died, it would be nice to get rid of those bad feelings about myself. Noone seem to care, but most importantly noone understands what is trully going on

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I am sorry you are in this place.  I can relate to how you are feeling as I have felt similarly recently.  I'm tired of being patient and tired of waiting and just generally tired.  I don't have anything brilliant to say (I'm afraid I'm a bit foggy this morning) but I wanted to say that I understand and I'm sorry.

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I too understand what you're going through, I've been in an awful depressive state for over a year now. The emotional pain can be unbearable at times. It's a pain that goes straight to my core. It's very overwhelming and all consuming sometimes. I understand feeling the numbness, the lack of being able to use guilt of hurting others to be able to pull through. And I don't have any hobbies either. I have so many things I want to read, have wanted to read for ages, but I just can't do it. It's a really hard place to be, and I hope that you begin to feel better, and I'm glad you have a great team helping you out. 

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Huge, warm (((hugs))) to all you beautiful people feeling the same or who can relate. I'm sorry you know my pain.

Thank you for your replies.

Let's all stick together through this. As much as I am feeling so grim- I'm here if anyone needs to chat or vent

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