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As per the title thread really...  potentially triggering I guess.

 

It feels like my life has barely moved forward in the last 15 years, I still have depression, crippling social anxiety and OCD and none of the treatments (medications/therapy) work.  I dislike the course I am studying and I can't see a way to change nor do I have the energy to investigate.   I have no friends and only a tiny family. 

 

Physically I also feel like shit and have done since about 2008 - muscle pain, fatigue, etc, etc.  I feel there is some underlying pathology there but the doctors can't look past depression  because the blood tests are basically 'normal' (I've had  a few abnormal ones but these are dismissed). Feeling physically bad plays into the depression which then in turn makes the physical stuff worse. 

 

I feel based on what has happened so far in my life that things are unlikely to ever improve.  I can't see myself ever having a job/earning my own living, moving out of my parents house, falling in love, having a family... etc.

 

Basically these last little while I've just had enough and I am frequently thinking, almost fantasizing, about ways to end it all.  Death is constantly on my mind and although I worry about what that would do to my mother I can't see any other downsides really. 

Edited by crazyguy
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I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'm here and listening. I do understand the feelings you are talking about. I go through these times too. I don't suffer from a lot of depression but I do have crippling anxiety and terrible uncontrollable IBS as well as fibromyalgia and I am frequently just exhausted. It's hard. While I don't feel suicidal over it I do have plenty of times where I just wish I could go to bed and not wake up or that something would take it out of my hands. Like you, blood work generally comes up clear or with only minor blips and any way I feel is more often than not dismissed as anxiety. it's terribly frustrating.

I agree that seeing your pdoc or therapist might be a good idea.

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With regard to doctors dismissing physical symptoms as depression, I've been there. I know how that feels, and it is infuriating. However, it does sound like you are pretty deep in depression right now. I hope you see your pdoc soon as you might need to change up your meds. I also second the idea that a therapist could help you if you don't already have one.

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I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'm here and listening. I do understand the feelings you are talking about. I go through these times too. I don't suffer from a lot of depression but I do have crippling anxiety and terrible uncontrollable IBS as well as fibromyalgia and I am frequently just exhausted. It's hard. While I don't feel suicidal over it I do have plenty of times where I just wish I could go to bed and not wake up or that something would take it out of my hands. Like you, blood work generally comes up clear or with only minor blips and any way I feel is more often than not dismissed as anxiety. it's terribly frustrating.

I agree that seeing your pdoc or therapist might be a good idea.

Thanks.

 

Reading back my post now I feel ridiculous for even posting such self-pitying bullshit.     Anyhow I am going to try and get through today and hopefully it will be better.   I see my doctor today but I have no therapist at the moment (been waiting since the start of Dec for an assessment). 

 

They told me I had myofascial pain syndrome which is similar to fibromyalgia......... but why do I have occasional raised blood markers  when MPS/fibro are supposed to be non-inflammatory.  I don't know.... I'm stressing myself about the physical aspect I guess as I feel it is NOT all depression related and surely there must be some hope of treatment out there. .... I'm sick of feeling like I'm 90. 

Edited by crazyguy
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You're clearly suffering and in depression as well as physically in pain. It's not self-pitying. It helps to get out the poison and to talk about it, and I'm glad you posted. I don't have much advice about the physical problems as my experience with doctors other than psychiatrists were for problems other than pain. Have you seen a rheumatologist to rule out an inflammatory process?

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It is very difficult to have mental and physical issues.  In addition to BPII, GAD, OCD and PTSD, I have sleep apnea and diabetes.  Its hard to juggle all the meds.  And, yes, when I don't feel good physically it affects my mental health.

 

As for the goals you have in life (getting a job, etc), try setting small, attainable goals for yourself that get you further along the path to where you want to be.  I know there are times that all seems hopeless.  You just have to remember what you're going for and all you've done thus far to get there.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I am feeling super sick and exhausted.  I'm tired of being sick and tired. My blood work comes up normal too. I for the longest time was trying to find a way to see what there was physically wrong with me and pursued a variety of test and nothing came up.  I read deeper into a chemical imbalance thought and have come to the conclusion that my brain because it's firing the wrong signals or no signals go through are affecting other parts of my body, mainly my energy level.  I also get cold like, flu like symptoms a lot. I catch every bug there is out there. My immune system is down.  I have sensitivity to food and feel nawtious. My doctors after a long line of testing said that depression just takes a toll on your body. You feel physically ill. Some doctors know and understand this... some don't. It's just on who you come across. My last pdoc that retired said that it was common to feel sick and tired as one of the symptoms of having depression. He just kept reasurring me that the more I took my medicine the better I'll get and that my symptoms will alleviate.  I have a lot of up and downs not... most of the time being down. I have noticed that trying some sort of exercise does help. Just be careful not to do too much cuz then you'll crash. Well.. that's what happens to me. I'll feel good some days and wayyy over do it and then crash for like a few more days. 

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I'm not sure how much help I can be but I'm here and listening. I do understand the feelings you are talking about. I go through these times too. I don't suffer from a lot of depression but I do have crippling anxiety and terrible uncontrollable IBS as well as fibromyalgia and I am frequently just exhausted. It's hard. While I don't feel suicidal over it I do have plenty of times where I just wish I could go to bed and not wake up or that something would take it out of my hands. Like you, blood work generally comes up clear or with only minor blips and any way I feel is more often than not dismissed as anxiety. it's terribly frustrating.

I agree that seeing your pdoc or therapist might be a good idea.

Thanks.

 

Reading back my post now I feel ridiculous for even posting such self-pitying bullshit.     Anyhow I am going to try and get through today and hopefully it will be better.   I see my doctor today but I have no therapist at the moment (been waiting since the start of Dec for an assessment). 

 

They told me I had myofascial pain syndrome which is similar to fibromyalgia......... but why do I have occasional raised blood markers  when MPS/fibro are supposed to be non-inflammatory.  I don't know.... I'm stressing myself about the physical aspect I guess as I feel it is NOT all depression related and surely there must be some hope of treatment out there. .... I'm sick of feeling like I'm 90. 

 

Don't feel ridiculous. Feeling sick, whether blood work agrees or not, is not ridiculous. It's rough when you feel ill physically to keep your MI in check. Mine go hand in hand. The more sick I feel the more anxious and/or depressed I feel (and then I'm pretty sure that makes me feel more exhausted and sick). Besides, we're all entitled to a pity party from time to time :) It's nice to know you're not alone and that other people can relate or even just that someone cares. I hear you on the feeling 90. I often remark that I'm a 30 something stuck in a 100 year olds body. It sucks :(

 

 And, yes, when I don't feel good physically it affects my mental health.

 

 

Very much this!

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I am feeling super sick and exhausted.  I'm tired of being sick and tired. My blood work comes up normal too. I for the longest time was trying to find a way to see what there was physically wrong with me and pursued a variety of test and nothing came up.  I read deeper into a chemical imbalance thought and have come to the conclusion that my brain because it's firing the wrong signals or no signals go through are affecting other parts of my body, mainly my energy level.  I also get cold like, flu like symptoms a lot. I catch every bug there is out there. My immune system is down.  I have sensitivity to food and feel nawtious. My doctors after a long line of testing said that depression just takes a toll on your body. You feel physically ill. Some doctors know and understand this... some don't. It's just on who you come across. My last pdoc that retired said that it was common to feel sick and tired as one of the symptoms of having depression. He just kept reasurring me that the more I took my medicine the better I'll get and that my symptoms will alleviate.  I have a lot of up and downs not... most of the time being down. I have noticed that trying some sort of exercise does help. Just be careful not to do too much cuz then you'll crash. Well.. that's what happens to me. I'll feel good some days and wayyy over do it and then crash for like a few more days. 

Yeah without a doubt depression can cause you to feel physically shit, but as you say many people don't realise or understand.  Throw in a physical illness as well and it is so hard to figure out what symptom is caused by what illness and what treatment may help or make things worse! 

 

 

 

Don't feel ridiculous. Feeling sick, whether blood work agrees or not, is not ridiculous. It's rough when you feel ill physically to keep your MI in check. Mine go hand in hand. The more sick I feel the more anxious and/or depressed I feel (and then I'm pretty sure that makes me feel more exhausted and sick). Besides, we're all entitled to a pity party from time to time  :) It's nice to know you're not alone and that other people can relate or even just that someone cares. I hear you on the feeling 90. I often remark that I'm a 30 something stuck in a 100 year olds body. It sucks  :(

 

Just want to say thanks for the replies.

 

I am Feeling slightly better today.  I saw my Dr yesterday who  wants to keep my medications the same as things are 'showing some improvement' (not sure I completely agree really, but the benzo has helped a lot).   I've also come down with a heavy cold today, stuffed nose, sore throat, etc.  So I wonder if that is why I was feeling so mentally down these last few days - my body fighting an infection maybe? or maybe I'm clutching at straws!

 

I also spoke with my Dr about the pain/fatigue and how I still worry there is something inflammatory or whatever.  However he seem fairly confident the DX of myofascial pain syndrome is correct.  Reassured me all my tests are basically OK and reminded me it was a good specialist consultant who looked at all my history and DX me......... so why would they be wrong?    - I had to agree really.  

 

Yesterday I re-read a book I bought ages ago about on fibro & myofascial pain. Interestingly one of the things it talks about is acceptance;  how hard it is for people to accept fibro or MPS as 'real' and believe nothing else more 'serious' is going on.......... especially as some (ignorant) doctors/friends/family will question the existence of these disorders because they can't visibly 'see' or 'test' it.  The book actually warns against keep testing as it is a vicious circle that leads nowhere. Plus when I re-read the potential symptoms fatigue is there and I have virtually every other sign & symptom too. 

 

I guess I have to accept the fact I feel 90 sometimes and try and manage my life around it.  Hopefully if I can get the depression and anxiety  under better control that will help me out physically too. 

 

thanks for reading :)

Edited by crazyguy
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I understand how you're feeling, too. Plus, I've been having various health issues, like chronic severe fatigue and digestive issues. All I can get out of any doc is GERD, but I think something else is going on. Within an hour of waking up everyday, I'm tired again, and by midday, I'm so tired I fall out and sleep for hours. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong, but I'm starting to look pathological, so I'm not bringing this shit up anymore.

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I understand how you're feeling, too. Plus, I've been having various health issues, like chronic severe fatigue and digestive issues. All I can get out of any doc is GERD, but I think something else is going on. Within an hour of waking up everyday, I'm tired again, and by midday, I'm so tired I fall out and sleep for hours. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong, but I'm starting to look pathological, so I'm not bringing this shit up anymore.

It happens a lot! I went to the ER more times than I can count. I asked for a spinal tap even and they did it.  I had a full body scan and I even checked a bunch of boxes when I asked for blood work.  Not the smartest thing, but I was obsessed because even my mom wouldn't accept the fact that depression isn't just a mental state but a physical state as well. The docs just started telling me that it's pretty much in my head and I was starting to look like psycho. I did however not eat for a long time and drank too much cranberry juice and hurt my digestion system. I can't eat a whole lemon now, it's too acidic.  My .. I guess physician although I rarely see him now due to $, said to stop eating gluten. Even this is considered to be immaginary by some doctors, but he asked me a series of weird questions, and said I was suffering from mal-absobtion.  And I was.  I went from 175 lbs that I had gained on Zyprexa to like 98 lbs in a year, because I was not digesting my food at all!!!  My food was coming out (not to get gross) in bits and pieces just like I was swallowing it after I chewed it!!! I went through unimaginable shit the last few months until I finally went to this doctor as a last resort.  He was treating my father for his slew of physical crap (aretrial schlerosis, cholesterol, stroke) that he was going through and I decided to go to him.  I drank ensure shakes which helped a lot but then made me put on 30 lbs, that with a combination of getting back on zyprexa as well.  

 

Now I rarely drink ensure, and when i do it's just a half at a time.  I try to just keep a good diet and work to keep healthy this way, instead of turning to a lot of weird supplements that put me on edge. 

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Crazyguy, glad you're feeling a little mentally better, sorry to hear about the cold. I too am suffering from one right now. Acceptance is definitely tough and it's hard not to wonder why you're feeling so bad.

 

I understand how you're feeling, too. Plus, I've been having various health issues, like chronic severe fatigue and digestive issues. All I can get out of any doc is GERD, but I think something else is going on. Within an hour of waking up everyday, I'm tired again, and by midday, I'm so tired I fall out and sleep for hours. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong, but I'm starting to look pathological, so I'm not bringing this shit up anymore.

Have you ever had a referral to a rheumatologist. I was very similar to this but had GERD and IBS diagnosed. I saw 4 different doctors before I finally walked in to one and just asked for a referral. She gave me one and that's how I got my diagnosis of fibro. Honestly, I thought it would be a relief to have a diagnosis and it is nice to know what's wrong but it hasn't made me feel any better. The only thing I got offered was a low dose antidepressant to take at bedtime to help me sleep and told to exercise and sent on my way.

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I understand how you're feeling, too. Plus, I've been having various health issues, like chronic severe fatigue and digestive issues. All I can get out of any doc is GERD, but I think something else is going on. Within an hour of waking up everyday, I'm tired again, and by midday, I'm so tired I fall out and sleep for hours. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong, but I'm starting to look pathological, so I'm not bringing this shit up anymore.

Snap.  Wake up, have breakfast and then feel like it is bedtime again.  Doctors prefer to make people think they are crazy rather than admit that they do not have the explanation / answers. 

 

Crazyguy, glad you're feeling a little mentally better, sorry to hear about the cold. I too am suffering from one right now. Acceptance is definitely tough and it's hard not to wonder why you're feeling so bad.

 

I understand how you're feeling, too. Plus, I've been having various health issues, like chronic severe fatigue and digestive issues. All I can get out of any doc is GERD, but I think something else is going on. Within an hour of waking up everyday, I'm tired again, and by midday, I'm so tired I fall out and sleep for hours. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong, but I'm starting to look pathological, so I'm not bringing this shit up anymore.

Have you ever had a referral to a rheumatologist. I was very similar to this but had GERD and IBS diagnosed. I saw 4 different doctors before I finally walked in to one and just asked for a referral. She gave me one and that's how I got my diagnosis of fibro. Honestly, I thought it would be a relief to have a diagnosis and it is nice to know what's wrong but it hasn't made me feel any better. The only thing I got offered was a low dose antidepressant to take at bedtime to help me sleep and told to exercise and sent on my way.

 

This is the problem with Fibro/CFS and other similar disorders.....doctors simply don't have much to offer.  Antidepressants, Anticonvulsants and (if you are lucky) pain management.  I think rhematologists in particular get frustrated with fibro patients because they have nothing to offer and see it as time wasted when they could be treating 'real' diseases. 

 

I found getting DX was a frustration as much as anything.   I went in telling him I had chronic musculoskeletal pain, he briefly examined me and said well "you have myofascial pain".  Well no sh*t, I just told you that.  Thanks for putting a fancy name on it and then informing me there is no known cause or cure. 

 

 

 

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This is the problem with Fibro/CFS and other similar disorders.....doctors simply don't have much to offer.

 

 

This.

 

I have been gradually getting worse for about three years now, and am housebound and have to be horizontal for most of the day even so.

Apart from extensive checking for anything else, no new treatment.

I'm still on the antidepressant cocktail I was on before this hit, although my mood had been improving and is still no real issue.

Impressive, other things considered.

I seem to operate in my new, different (and reduced) circumstances with a mix of Buddhist like detachment, some Anglo-Saxon or Norse fatalism and a good big chunk of British dark humour.

That's held me together and kept me going, so far

 

One trouble with nothing much on offer through standard channels is that it tends to make people vulnerable to quack and scam claims.

(no I'm not filing all alternate therapies under those two)

I've seen this additionally with several other intractable conditions.  

"Anything" that seems to offer or promise a cure can start to look good.

 

Chris

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As per the title thread really...  potentially triggering I guess.

 

It feels like my life has barely moved forward in the last 15 years, I still have depression, crippling social anxiety and OCD and none of the treatments (medications/therapy) work.  I dislike the course I am studying and I can't see a way to change nor do I have the energy to investigate.   I have no friends and only a tiny family. 

 

Physically I also feel like shit and have done since about 2008 - muscle pain, fatigue, etc, etc.  I feel there is some underlying pathology there but the doctors can't look past depression  because the blood tests are basically 'normal' (I've had  a few abnormal ones but these are dismissed). Feeling physically bad plays into the depression which then in turn makes the physical stuff worse. 

 

I feel based on what has happened so far in my life that things are unlikely to ever improve.  I can't see myself ever having a job/earning my own living, moving out of my parents house, falling in love, having a family... etc.

 

Basically these last little while I've just had enough and I am frequently thinking, almost fantasizing, about ways to end it all.  Death is constantly on my mind and although I worry about what that would do to my mother I can't see any other downsides really. 

 

This I can relate to 1000% as it is EXACTLY how I have been feeling for years on and off- since 2005. But since last July almost constantly. The main changes for me are only becuase I have Bipolar so my mood can be a bit more vairied- though as it is type 2, paired with my history I tend VERY much towards the depressive (I'd say at least 90%)

The ONLY thing that stops me is I still do have worry for the affect me ending it would have on my parents, nans and a 3 of my friends. Otherwise.... meh.

 

I am so sorry you're suffering similarly to me. (((hugs)))

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I feel based on what has happened so far in my life that things are unlikely to ever improve.  I can't see myself ever having a job/earning my own living, moving out of my parents house, falling in love, having a family... etc.

 

Basically these last little while I've just had enough and I am frequently thinking, almost fantasizing, about ways to end it all.  Death is constantly on my mind and although I worry about what that would do to my mother I can't see any other downsides really. 

 

This I can relate to 1000% as it is EXACTLY how I have been feeling for years on and off- since 2005. But since last July almost constantly. The main changes for me are only becuase I have Bipolar so my mood can be a bit more vairied- though as it is type 2, paired with my history I tend VERY much towards the depressive (I'd say at least 90%)

The ONLY thing that stops me is I still do have worry for the affect me ending it would have on my parents, nans and a 3 of my friends. Otherwise.... meh.

 

I am so sorry you're suffering similarly to me. (((hugs)))

 

Well in a horrible way it is nice to know I am not alone.   I had two better days and now today I've hit rock bottom again. I felt crap this morning, cried on and off, been thinking about death/suicide and researching methods.   I realised I actually have enough meds lying around to 'do the job' which has scared me because I've never actually thought about planning stuff before and here I am thinking about what I would write as a suicide note and if I could buy / arrange funeral plan before hand to take the strain off my family. 

 

Like you I also worry about what it would do to my parents... my mother in particular.  Life has been hard the last few years and we would not have got through it without each other. I feel some responsibility there but at the same time it isn't my job to make everyone else happy. 

 

I just can't see the point in carrying on, the only future I can see for myself is very bleak. 

Edited by crazyguy
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