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I had a "clean" streak of over a year...

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... and i broke it. I wont go into details, they're not necessary.


I feel like a failure and a fool. I did it because i found out something that really hurt me, and i was too exhausted to fight any more. Like, i didnt even try any coping mechanisms, just dived right in with it. It has actually shocked me how easily it all came back, how even after more than a year it was like i only did it yesterday.


But in doing this i've hurt my husband. He was the one who did the thing that hurt me, not intentionally but basically he lied by omission about something big in our relationship. He just completely forgot to tell me, or so he says. I think i believe him, i want to believe him, but it's hard. And now he's kicking himself over the coals for "causing" me to hurt myself again. He's away with work right now, and wont be home for another 2 months, so we're having to discuss this over email and skype. Not ideal. All i can hear in my head is my mother's voice telling me over and over again that he "doesnt need this", that im "loading him up with negative stuff that he doesnt need to be stressing about right now", that i should just "keep it to myself and not bother him with it" etc etc. But communication has always been a big thing for us and i know that if i kept quiet about this until he got home, it would go from a thing we just need to talk through and work out, to me being a complete wreck and maybe doing something really stupid because it's eating me up inside. So i think i was right to talk to him about it. But now im scared he's going to leave me, or that he's going to get depressed and it's all going to be my fault.

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Even if it came back right away, it doesn't negate that you went for over a year without SI. That's really amazing! And the time spent SI-free is still there. You can try for that again starting with a day at a time, or even five minutes at a time if you have to.

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