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Lack of internal resistance


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I'm not talking about impulses. I'm talking about thoughts, sometimes destructive, dark or violent ones, that I think without resisting them mentally.

 

I know they aren't impulsive because I mull them over, sometimes for days or weeks off and on. Sometimes I just think, and don't do anything about them. Other times, if it's an action I'm contemplating (and it isn't, always), I will eventually do it. In that case, it's often dependent solely on whether I can effect the act in question. As a result of acting on these thoughts, I've done things like consume unwise amounts of liquor, experiment with dissociatives, and inflict injuries on myself, among others. I'm aware the things I do aren't necessarily good for me, even as I do them. It's just that I have no internal resistance to the thoughts. Academically knowing that I might do damage is insufficient to deter me.

 

I don't feel self-destructive during these acts, and mood issues aren't the cause; I'm equally likely to have them whether depressed, stable, or hypomanic. In fact, I'd say I'm the least devoted to self-destruction that I have been in a long time. It's simply that I can't bring myself to care, or take destruction as motivation not to act.

 

They're not burning compulsions. I'm quite capable of ignoring them, and often do, though they don't go away. There is a specific, serious act of self-mutilation that I have contemplated for years now, and have chosen again and again to shelve. Practical considerations, like money and time spent, are more likely to cause me to consciously choose not to act. Otherwise, sometimes I just let the thought sit, and I feel no particular urge or desire to do anything about it. Self-harm is in this category, very often.

 

I also have violent fantasies that I think would be classed as disturbing. I don't feel any urge to act on them, and even if I did, I know violence is impractical, messy, and imprudent for obvious reasons, so I wouldn't. I do spend what I think might be an inordinate amount of time pondering on morbid things, however. Because I'm detached from these processes, they don't affect my mood that I've noticed, but my tdoc found them noteworthy.

 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, and when I brought it up in therapy some two months ago, it disturbed my doc quite a bit. She didn't pathologize, but I could tell she was uneasy, and she's been more guarded since then. In the end, I'm left with a few questions.

 

- I'm not embarrassed or troubled about the thoughts. I know that they tend to stay just thoughts, and I'm hurting no one else with them. The existence of things like fetish websites indicate that I'm not alone, though that's only an example as mine aren't sexual. But the fact that I act on them sometimes, knowing full well what the consequences will be and not caring, seems like something that maybe most folks would be worried about. Is that so?

 

- Does anyone else do this? If so, have you approached professionals with it, and, if you are comfortable, what was the result if so?

 

- I'm not sure I want to be "treated" for this, per se. I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I think, though I acknowledge that, for practical purposes, I could use some better filters in order not to do myself serious harm, even though I'm ambivalent about the concept. Does that seem concerning? It seems that the default in most people is to want to be able to, if not be "rid" of things like this, at least to have a barrier between it and themselves. Is that so?

 

Looking more for personal opinions and anecdotes than anything. I've thought my way around in circles, and reached an impasse with my therapist, and at this point I'm feeling curious enough to wonder if I'm pathologizing myself unnecessarily, or if this is something I should pursue more vigorously.

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i do this

i have very morbid thoughts  disturbing and dangerous thoughts

 

some of tthese thoughts have led to suicide attempts  well not really suicide attempts but overdoses just to see what would happen

or self injury to see if it would be like what i thought it would be

 

i view autopsy and crime scene photos on the web to kinda quell some of the thoughts - i told my therapist about it and she doesn't see how it is helpful

 

i'm not explaining myself right, but oh well  i'm pretty brain dead at the moment

but i can totally relate to wwhat you've written

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