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32 mom self mutilating after a decade


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I haven't cut myself since I was 16 years old. Even then it was sort of sporadic. Burns I had no problems hiding. It was not chronic. But since my trip to the looney bin (I got out yesterday first time ever there) I got triggered. Found a razor blade in a bunch of tools. Now my knee looks like a map of pink lines. I'm sorry to say it made me feel good. In control. Here I am 32 year old mom, cutting. What a frigging idiot. The only coping skill I learned on the ward was A.D. dangerous one.

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Welcome to CB!

 

I'm sorry to hear that cutting seems like the best way to manage your emotions right now. Coming out of the hospital is a fragile time for a lot of people.

 

What kind of supports have you been able to set up for outpatient care?

 

I hope that you can use your kids as inspiration to get and stay healthy. They need you.

 

If you haven't already, please take a moment to check out the rules about posting in this forum.

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Boy can I relate, I started again at 39. Started slow just the odd one in one spot. Been good for over 6 months, and then I hit my trigger big time. I did more in one night then I ever have, instantly regretted it. Way to much to hide from partner so I litter stood in front of him pulled up my pant legs and said I did this. Needless to say didn't go we'll. Not exactly supportive, so that's why I'm here. So happy to see I'm not the only one who feels stupid being an adult. Actually found this site while doing some research on how to heal them faster. Just so darn embarrassing.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
  • 5 weeks later...

Im a mom of a five year old and still cut. Its been three weeks since I last cut though. Pretty proud of myself. I had no idea other moms cut. I felt alone and like the worst mom ever.

 

I'm proud of you too. :) Three weeks is awesome! 

 

You are not alone. And you are certainly not the worst mom ever. I know that when I started self-harming (I started as an adult, had a brief moment in my teens), it was because I felt I had no other options. I felt completely overwhelmed and like all my coping skills up to that point were not working. Chances are, you feel similarly?

 

Therapy helped me a lot, and having someone to support me. For me, that was my bf and the wonderful people here at CB. Do you have a therapist, Dani? We also have lots of options here at CB to help support you in your recovery. 

 

You are not a bad mom. You are doing the best you can with what you have. 

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I'm not a mom, but I am a 35 year old adult who should absolutely know better. I was 32 when I started.  I understand the shame involved. I do not think it makes you a bad mom.  It's a coping skill so that you CAN be the best mom you can while yo work to learn and find newer, less destructive skills moving forward. 

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I don't think it's about knowing better, LesMis4.

It's about having other tools and resources that are more effective and have better positive consequences (short and long term) than cutting.

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