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Fuck this high functioning shit


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I can smoosh it all around and just barely manage to make everyone think that's nothing's wrong.  Nothing's wrong.  Kid making a 47 in his 10th grade psychology class? I can do that right -- parental anger, forgiveness, hugs, reassurance, whatever.  Yeah, okay nobody sees anything wrong.  DH asks me why the hell I'm still eating when dinner is over, I don't do anything, just leave the room.  Leave the room.  He doesn't care.  Until later he realizes I'm not coming back.  But you know, kiss, makeup, whatever.  Whatever.  so I go the therapist and hey I can be myself sorta only she asks all these questions and damned if I know what the answer is.  She sends notes leaves messages with the pdoc but pdoc never calls. Never calls but that's okay because I'll be going to pdoc on 29th except she'll just ask all the same questions because all she wants to know is about the meds. Which is okay but not really because where the hell am I supposed to be myself if I'm always supposed to be fucking "high functioning" which is nothing but words for "fake it till you make it".  fake it.  

 

I tried to tell the therapist about the monster that is following me but she thinks I'm talking about pressure at work at home.  So she asks all these questions and I can't answer them and then I tried to tell her again but she doesn't understand because I'm "HIGH FUNCTIONING" and monsters don't happen to them.  happen to them.  never.  I guess.  never I guess.  Should I try to call her?  Is it pointless?  Why won't the pdoc call back?  I have great insurance, great job and I'm fucking HIGH FUNCTIONING.  HIGH functioning.

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You look / seem too "normal", there's nothing wrong , nothing wrong ..  People are so afraid to face themselves, most never do, so they certainly can't face you .. therapists ,, you're normal, just think of yourself that way, it will help .. okay, okay .. why do people only believe what they can see ?

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why do people only believe what they can see ?

 

Idk, but I experience this too.  I have been told I look like a normal person before ... and I'm thinking, 'yeah, but that is with the medication.'

 

I do try to look as normal as possible though sometimes, like when I go to DR appts (not talking pdoc though; I can be myself around him) ... if I am having a bad day and just stressed or depressed or manic or whatever, I find it can scare the DR away. 

 

One in particular I am thinking of.  She even recommended I see her associate (in a round-about way), but didn't give a reason why.  In the end though we decided to stay with her.  And when I left, she said she was glad I came in ... I had been/appeared "normal" at that appt and her positive feelings of me had clearly come back.  And I think she felt she could deal with me again. 

 

Some DRs just don't have the patience for people who are MI.

 

People don't seem to get it that it takes a shitload of medication for me to appear as I do.  Without it I'd be symptomatic.  I think if I ever had to change pdocs, I'd NEED to become symptomatic again for him/her to believe me that I have SZA and all the other diagnoses made. 

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I lost the "normal"look just recently.

now my eyes have this shine,my fingers are tobacco stained(broke,roll my own).

I can't get myself in the shower every day either.

 

but I am functioning to a degree.I live alone,eat regularly,have my 8 year old on 

weekends.I'm NOT high functioning,just barely making it.

 

some days I forget meds(abilify,lamictal,celexa),but most days i take them.

 

it got so bad recently I had to go on 1 mg Clonazepam in the morning to get up(anxiety).

 

you seem fine to me.try meditation or something.I wish u heaven.

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I think it's hard for therapists to see the extent of your symptoms if you are able to "suck it up" and deal for your appt. I had the same problem. The only thing that helped me was to be brutally honest with the pdoc, I have a tendency to not give much detail and it gets in the way of my treatment so I have to make a point of being up front with my issues. I write comments on my mood chart most days and print it out for him. I think it has really helped.

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Being high functioning is not a bad thing. I don't know if I'm high functioning but I consider myself to be somewhat. I've never asked my pdoc that but considering the fact that he just filled out "total and permanent disability" forms for me I'm not sure. But I can eat on my own most of the time with my husbands help sometimes. I can't work or go to school. I can drive to a few places again recently after not being able to drive for years and years. I exercise by going to day treatment exercise group. I go to the gym on my own sometimes. I knit and do other crafty artsy things. I can't sleep without meds. I once spent 1.5 years in a state hospital. Ugh. Most days I spend a lot of time in bed.

But my point is I do ok. I'm not dead or wandering the streets talking to myself or strangers (even though I have been like that in the past). I've come a long way. It sounds like you have too. I'm grateful for what I'm able to do. Even if it doesn't seem like much. My GAF was assessed recently and it was low, and I was sad about that. But really, wouldn't you rather be called high functioning than low functioning? It hurts and stings to be called low functioning. I know what I'd rather be called.

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Cheese, I get your point.  I think the frustrating thing about being high functioning - well, tdoc.  I have to pay $120/session, so I only go once a month, because I just can't afford anymore.  There are CBT programs here that are covered by OHIP, but they're all during the day - they're targeted at people who aren't high-functioning enough to work full time, and I am.  So I can't maximize my therapy. 

 

I can be at work full of intrusive thoughts about killing people, or scared because people can see my thoughts - once at work I saw someone turn into a demon - but because I have this basic principle of 'don't let them know you know' I don't react, so I am terrified but still acting normal, so nobody knows I KNOW. 

 

People just assume I'm fine, because I seem perfectly normal - but I walk around feeling like a cylon, that I look like a normal human but inside I'm something else.  Sometimes there's a lot of pressure in that, of not having your suffering acknowledged.

 

It is better than the alternative, yes - I have my meds paid for by work insurance, and I provide for our family - but it's alienating too. 

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they're targeted at people who aren't high-functioning enough to work full time, and I am.  So I can't maximize my therapy. 

 

 

Can you look into groups that are for anyone (both high and low functioning), and at night?  Can your tdoc recommend any?  Maybe if tdoc knows you are having a hard time despite being high functioning, s/he can help you find an appropriate group that fits your needs.

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I like Melissa's suggestion. Maybe there are support groups in the evening you could go to. And I bet your tdoc could help you find one that would suit your needs. There may be more people out there that can relate to what you are going through with high functioning. I'm sorry you feel like no one is truly listening to your issues.

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att: Wonderful Cheese,

my replies to you gets deleted by the mods.

I will from now stop replying to your blogs and comments.

 

I respect you and your struggle.

 

peace.

 

whendovescry

Really? What happened I wonder? Maybe it was me who screwed something up? I'm really confused I had no idea? That seems really weird and if I knew how to fix it I would. Maybe it's something I clicked by accident?

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I don't think the problem here is that you're "high-functioning." Generally speaking, being able to function well is a good thing. But your providers should be able to meet you and listen to you and take you seriously where you're at. They shouldn't dismiss your issues as too mundane, just as they shouldn't dismiss someone low functioning for being too "crazy" or too "hopeless" (because that happens too). A pdoc should call you back within 24 hours unless they're out of the office - in which case, hopefully they have someone on call. These are realistic expectations, and if you're not getting them met, I'd consider switching your providers.

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att: Wonderful Cheese,

my replies to you gets deleted by the mods.

I will from now stop replying to your blogs and comments.

 

I respect you and your struggle.

 

peace.

 

whendovescry

What are you talking about? No one has been deleting your replies. You know, we've got real stuff to do and following around after anyone and deleting their posts just isn't on the list of things to be done.

 

If you are having problems posting, maybe you should say something to one of the staff members. Jumping to conclusions won't get you far here or irl.

 

maybe I'm mixing,then.I replied to WC last blog entry and it was not there this morning.I seem to remember one of my

replies to her posts here in this forum "disappearing"too.I'm glad everything's cool though.I am probably just paranoid.sorry.

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He has learned to listen to my words--not how I look or act.

 

Fortunately my pdoc does also.  I do worry though that something will happen to him, and a new one wouldn't see me for what is truly wrong, and lower meds or something ... causing me to spiral into hell once again before realizing that yeah, she needs the meds. 

 

I'm not really high functioning, but I look ok when around people.  I have had so many people say to me how they would never know something was wrong by looking at me.

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He has learned to listen to my words--not how I look or act.

Fortunately my pdoc does also. I do worry though that something will happen to him, and a new one wouldn't see me for what is truly wrong, and lower meds or something ... causing me to spiral into hell once again before realizing that yeah, she needs the meds.

I'm not really high functioning, but I look ok when around people. I have had so many people say to me how they would never know something was wrong by looking at me.people can't see what,s going on Inside your head.

Edited by Flash
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He has learned to listen to my words--not how I look or act.

Fortunately my pdoc does also. I do worry though that something will happen to him, and a new one wouldn't see me for what is truly wrong, and lower meds or something ... causing me to spiral into hell once again before realizing that yeah, she needs the meds.

I'm not really high functioning, but I look ok when around people. I have had so many people say to me how they would never know something was wrong by looking at me. people can't see what,s going on Inside your head.

 

 

You're right.  Unfortunately with some people though 'seeing is believing.'

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I too can relate.  I've got a stable enough career which I've been at for ten years now.  I own my home, and my partner of eight years lives with me.  Everything is good, right?

 

Wrong.  I'm falling apart.  I stopped going to therapy after I completed a year of DBT.  It just cost too damn much money with all the copays and took up too much time.  Also, it was triggery as hell and it was all I could do to keep me from jumping off the bridge I would walk over after therapy.

 

I get so damn tired of coworkers and friends saying that "everyone is crazy" when I try to talk about the batshittiness going on in my head.  I've only got two friends that have severe mental health crap, and one of them lives a thousand miles away and the other is just an acquaintance.  In short, there's no one in my life who can relate.  I go out with my best buddy, and he's talking about taking another trip to Italy for work, or the next vacation he's taking on a sailboat in the Carribean or the latest girl he laid.  I'm so envious.  My life is alternating between kicking things and screaming when I'm up, and being so damn depressed than I do nothing but drink and sleep when I'm down.  And then I put on a happy face when I'm around people and they never see what is really going on in my life.

 

On the outside everyone just sees me as "normal" because I rarely do any of the really negative behaviors with others around.  Only when I am alone does it come out, even though I am feeling it all the time.  Sometimes I think I would rather be a cutter or I should OD on something just to "prove" to people that I really am crazy.  I'm grateful that I don't fit the full DSM for either Borderline nor Bipolar II, though I am considered spectrum for both.  I feel fake in that I rarely act the way I feel because I just keep it all inside.

 

Anyway, I'm just ranting at this point.  I wish I had good advice, but I really don't.  I feel for you though - good luck.

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