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I am dx'd either BP or SZA....last time it came up, my pdoc said regardless of diagnosis, we are treating the same brain dysfunction.  I think I have psychotic features outside of mood disturbance, but regardless.


I have been having some anxiety.


6-8 weeks ago I started seeing that for a race this year (I'm an ultrarunner) one of my friends would be part of a conspiracy against me at my goal race.  I don't know what the conspiracy is, but I know that people who say they are my friends aren't, really.  I see myself being really paranoid at the race about this conspiracy.  But that's what I see.


It's continued, I realized a few days ago that even though the conspiracy hasn't happened yet I can see that it will, and that is why it is confusing in terms of me seeing it but it not yet happening.


But I also know that this is just me being paranoid.  I know conspiracies in the past have just been me being paranoid.


I was running low on Saphris, over the holidays, and my doctor's office was closed.  So I dropped from 25mg down to 15mg.  The night I did this (I take Saphris at night) I thought that there was a demon in my teddy bear (I sleep with my teddy bear when I am anxious).  There's no way that was a lowered dose of Saphris thing, since I'd literally just taken it, it was too soon to be happening. 


I feel a lot of pressure in my head.  It feels like my brain is pushing against me skull.  It doesn't hurt, but is driving me CRAZY. 


Sometimes when I feel the pressure my head opens up and I think that people can see my thoughts, because that's what happens when my head opens.  I wore a hat on the subway on the way home today, though it isn't cold enough for a hat.


But there is a part of me that knows that people can't see my thoughts.


I found a scratch on my back and worried that THE people (THE people are supernatural people who used to be outside of the house I used to live in, they can go through walls and locked doors, and they will attack you, and I was never safe, they would stand outside the house and watch, but then when my partner moved in with me they went away).  Anyways, I worried that THE people injected me with a drug to control me.  I didn't feel like I was being controlled, but why else would I have a scratch?  It could be dormant.  My partner says the people wouldn't leave a scratch.


But I know that this isn't realistic. 


Coming home on the subway today, all the people were unsafe, and I got it in my head that they were THE people, surrounding me, and I was scared.


But I also knew that I was wrong, that they weren't THE people.


It's like I have these thoughts, and I also have this dialogue saying STOP THINKING THAT, IT'S NOT TRUE.  STOP STOP STOP


So am I psychotic or not?  I know I'm probably not stable, but I'm not sure where the line from psychotic features to psychotic is. 


Edit:  I have been back on 25mg of Saphris for at least a week.

Edited by jarn
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