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Should I move to where no one knows me?


hairymonkey13
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I have been betrayed by one of my so called friends. He told others of my schizophrenia and MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

People have reacted accordingly.

I feel my future relationships WILL be sabotaged once they hear of this.

And my reputation is ruined...

Should I move to where no one knows me?

I mean IF I move and have to tell a future partner and she ditches then tells others. What was the point of moving?

How should I deal with this? Have a partner that also has mental health issues?

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When people found out about me, at first I was embarrassed, and didn't want to be around any of them, fearing the comments they'd make/judgements etc.

 

Over time though when I came to accept the MI more, I didn't really care who knew that I have a MI because if those people are jerks or judge or anything negative towards me, I want nothing to do with them, and totally distance myself from them.

 

For me it was just a matter of time before people found out; I grew up in a small town and it was a gossipy town.  But no one that I can remember at least, has verbally judged me.  What they say in their own home is a different thing, but as long as people treat me with respect I have no problem with them.

 

I think it is up to you to decide whether to move or not.  Maybe give it some time to see if people do react?  Maybe you'll be surprised and others won't judge (other than the people who already have).  But if it were me, I would just distance myself from anyone who judged me, and if you find that every single person was like that, then maybe consider moving.

 

Just some thoughts.

 

And Welcome to CB :)

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Melissa hit it. Anyone where you live who treats you badly about your MI doesn't need to be part of your life. Did the person who blabbed do it because he didn't realize how big a deal it would be to you, or are you sure he did it maliciously? If the former, I say sit him down and tell him why what he did was a Bad Idea, and request that in the future, if he wants to remain your friend, that he either respect your boundaries, or just shut his trap. If he did it to be malicious, cut him out. You don't need that.

 

I'm "out" as MI, in a way. I don't shout it from the rooftops, but if people pry, I'll tell them I'm full time crazy. I make no bones; I've done some things that have made it pretty obvious, and anyway, I'm not ashamed. It's not like I bought it at the designer store and put it on.

 

Anecdotally, when I stopped working and started being honest with people who asked, even though I live in a small community, nobody has ever said a cross or disparaging word to me. I had one guy who's stopped talking to me when we cross paths in public. Break my heart. Everyone else has overlooked it. It seems like most people would rather not talk about it; they don't know what to say, and they don't want to say the wrong things. It's not that they judge, it's that they probably don't have personal experience, or they're uncomfortable because they're out of their depth. There are judgmental jerks out there, of course, but that says way more about them than it does you. In my admittedly limited experience, it hasn't changed my relationships much. In the case of family, it's actually improved my relationships with them, because now I can explain and work with them honestly.

 

At the end of the day, I tell myself that even if people do know, and do judge, I can't control that. All I can do is manage my own affairs, and mind my manners.

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My biggest worry when I finally meet someone. When to tell her? Should I tell her?

 

I don't know when you should tell her about your MI.  Sometimes there is an opportunity in a conversation when you least expect it to insert you having a MI.  But if I was dating seriously, I would definitely say something eventually.

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I'm sorry your friend turned out to be a jerk.  If I were you, he would be my former friend, and I would break off ties with him, if you haven't done so already.

 

As far as moving, how small is the place you live now?  I live in a small town (1,000 people, about 800 actually within the town limits), and not everyone knows everyone else, and definitely doesn't know their business.  I see some of the same people occasionally in Dollar General, but just to nod our heads and say hello.  So I know them on sight, but don't know their names, much less anything about them. 

 

If you move, what if the same thing happens in the new place?  Moving sounds like an extreme reaction to me, and lets others have power over you because your actions are driven by them.  You should take your power back from them, and move if you want to, not because of the actions of others.

 

Even in this little podunk place I live, I could find some new friends unrelated to my current friends if I wanted to, and I'm sure you could do the same.  Also, as others have pointed out, anyone that freaks out about your MI doesn't deserve to be your friend anyway.  As far as your reputation, I think you should hold your head up high, and to hell with anyone who treats you badly.  Yes, you had a suicide attempt, but you survived, and continue to survive a really difficult chronic illness.  Not everyone would be able to do that, and you should give yourself the credit you deserve. 

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Starting all over in a new town sounds a lot harder than having some people know that you have a mental illness.  I think you might be surprised by people's reaction; there is much less stigma than there used to be.

 

As for when to tell a girlfriend, you will know when and if the time is right.  You can ease into the subject by talking about MI in general and, if and when you feel comfortable, you can tell her that you have a MI.  Scary? Yes.  Doable? Also yes.

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To me, there's a difference between telling someone something that might be critical later (for instance, I've told my family about my paranoia), and talking about something personal that no one can do anything about, like a suicide attempt. I don't talk about mine; it's behind me now, and I've learned all I can from it. No one who's not my therapist can give me anything further, and really there's nothing to say.

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I don't talk about my suicide attempts either.  If someone happens to ask (I can't say though that anyone has come out and asked that) I will say something like, ' yes, but that it is in the past and I am doing so much better now.  It was a bad time in my life that I don't care to think about anymore.'

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Do I HAVE to tell a potential partner about my attempt?

 

I think that is up to you.  Personally I wouldn't say anything unless it is specifically asked.  If you tell a partner something though and they freak out (or whatever) and leave you, IMO they weren't worth being with.  Just my thoughts.

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If you are thinking about a long term relationship, living together, possibly marrying, you have to tell her about the attempt. She has a right to know the full extent of what she may getting herself into. Dating, well, I've disclosed *really* early, and had one guy get a little spooked, but then we dated for two months. But apparently what I do is not common

 

I think moving would be an over-reaction, which would backfire, and make your life even worse. Moving is extremely stressful, let alone to a strange place. To leave your current support system, however lame it may be? If you are fragile enough that you are thinking of fleeing, I do not think that would be wise. And are you going to move every time someone figures something out?

 

You haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are letting others shame you, and you shouldn't accept that shame, either.

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Wherever you go, there you are.  If the problem is your social skills, it's still going to be there no matter where you go.  There are tons of ways your life could be worse.  First, you might know noone, that sucks.  You might move to a shitty house/apt with a shitty landlord.  Well, you can continue from here.  If it helps, I was the King of running away and it did nothing but make my life suck until I finally decided to settle down.  If you've pissed everyone off, wait five minutes and they'll find someone else to be pissed at.  Trust me.  Like I said, King of running away here.

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Ah, yes. From Confucious to George Carlin we find variations on the idiom (an expression whose meanings cannot be inferred from the meanings of the words that make it up), "No matter where you go, there you are."

 

I dare say that many of us have considered moving away, running away, or even sneaking away from our current situation to "find" a personal Shangri-la. the problem with that consideration is that we cannot leave ourselves behind. Our difficulties, problems, and histories go with us, regardless our wishes and intent.

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I would cut all contact with this "friend", but then that's just me.

 

Yes your life might be better if you moved, but it sounds like you built up a support network where you are now,

you also have to consider things like finding a new pdoc, tdoc, therapist if you move. Which could have a negative

affect on your MI.

 

A suicide attempt is nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion, it just means your pain outstripped you ability to cope.

It's up to you if you tell future partners, and i can promise you some won't find it shameful at all.

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