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Why would I want to do this?


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Sometimes, over the past few weeks, I kind of wish I could take too many pills or SI severely so I'd have to go to hospital and receive medical attention there. (When I have SI'd before I have made sure it was no more than superficial.)

 

I don't understand why I have these thoughts and a part of me wants to do this. I don't want to die. I only have moderate depression and that improved in the past couple of months with a med tweak. My life is fine really, apart from depression and fatigue and a bit of stress from academic stuff.

 

I really don't want to waste the time of anyone in A&E/the ER when they have so many other people who need their attention. That would be awful and embarrassing. The people there might also want me to see a pdoc or something as well, so that's another person whose time I'd waste. I don't want a big scar and I know self poisoning is never safe. I suppose I need help somehow but that would be a stupid way to go about looking for it. Dangerous and Bad for wasting things that other people need because of doing things I can just decide not to do.

 

I think this is really something to talk about with a tdoc but I haven't been able to see one for over a month and my next appointment is in 11 days. And I sometimes can't talk about things when I am ashamed of them. (Like this.)

 

Maybe I'm more depressed/anxious/stressed than I realize? I'm often not really sure what I'm feeling, so that's possible. And it's hard for most people to tell because I freeze up when I try to talk out loud about bad emotions or thoughts and I can't help but pretend I'm happy and relaxed with my face and body language. Writing things is ok though.

 

 

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Please do not SI badly. You are right you don't want a scar. I have some and they don't go away for me. It makes me very sad and upset.

And you could accidentally OD on meds if you take just a few too many. You may do permanent damage. Especially if you want to do it so you can end up in the hospital and don't want to die. The hospital is an awful awful place to be. You don't go there for rest or vacation or because you're bored. It's not interesting and enlightening. I hate the hospital so much. I hate when I'm forced to go there. I'm not saying you are feeling or wanting any of the above. I just hope you realize that hurting yourself is not the answer. If you need the hospital then you need it. Don't go down the path I have gone down.

Please call your tdoc and talk out your stress so you don't end up doing something you regret. Take good care of yourself!

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Sometimes people feel the urge to get medical attention to feel validated that something really is wrong, and that they are deserving of help.

 

Sometimes it's because it's easier to point to the physical action to say, "See how much I need help?!?"

 

One of the things that can help sometimes is to ask what need isn't currently getting met that you wish being at the emergency department would fill. Is it to feel taken care of? To feel validated in your distress? To feel comforted? Something else?

 

How else could you get that need met?

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I agree with woo too. It's awful to not have your illness validated. Like what you went through was nothing. I know you have struggled so much to get to this point. You're very brave. I'm very proud of you too. I read on your blog that you were accepted into a competitive phd program! Yay for you! I think all your hard work and finally getting better is paying off finally. Know what? I think you deserve a treat. Do something nice for yourself like a bubble bath or buy one of those facial masks or some new makeup or something like that. Whatever you enjoy. Pamper yourself a bit today. You deserve it big time!

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Wonderful.Cheese, thank you for replying (twice!). I do not plan to actually take too many pills or SI and give myself a huge scar and I'm not very impulsive so I am safe. I don't want to end up IP at all. I'd be taking a bed from someone else who needs it and I think it would be difficult and stressful. It'd be unlikely, even if I did something that meant I needed to see a doctor, because mental health services where I live prefer for people to be treated at home if at all possible. I suppose it is another possibility I'd like to avoid.

 

I definitely have issues with needing validation.  :brooding: But if I always present as if I'm fine and nothing is wrong then it really isn't surprising that I don't get as much as I feel I need.

 

I'm going out to the cinema later this evening to see American Hustle, so I do have a nice treat coming up.  :D

 

Wooster, I think something like this is happening with me. I think I feel like I need to prove that I'm not actually fine. I'm not sure if I believe that I need or deserve more help than I have now though. I am coping ok, I think. I don't know.

 

I'm kind of scared to think about how I'm struggling or suffering now or have been in the past. I have to try so hard to get along and I don't know when that will end. I can't bear to think about how long I'll be pushing through the pain and tiredness so in a way it seems easier to just put it out of my mind and get on with things.

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I find that I have urges to severely self injure (walking into traffic is mine. I haven't acted on it, but it's there) because I feel a hard wake-up call might somehow make this mess in my head go away. Like how you hear about people having near death experiences that convince them to change their lives. I suppose some part of me hopes that if the world slaps me hard enough, my head will clear. Could it be something like that?

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I think you're doing well to acknowledge that you aren't impulsive, and that these are just thoughts. Sometimes, when I start thinking like this, and feeling like I might actually do it, I try to visualize what will happen if I do. Then, like Woo said, I examine the part that seems desirable, and try to give myself something like that without resorting to SI.

 

Would it help to write these things down for the therapist? Can you trust yourself to turn over a paper if you write it, so that you have a way to start the conversation without having to break the silence?

 

You are quite smart and resilient, and while those are great qualities, they sometimes get in the way, no? It's much too easy to reason the way out of talking to someone, especially when the habit is to keep it close to the vest so as not to be a burden. I understand that feeling, and it's really hard for me to ignore it, even when I tell myself that I'm not my own personal Atlas. I tell myself that I can't very well save the world if I'm not taking proper care of myself, haha.

 

Though, even if you were to SI badly, or take an overdose, you wouldn't be "taking up" time. You would be deserving. It is okay to struggle, and not understand things. I'm not encouraging you, just saying that your care is every bit as important and valid as anyone else's.

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Nelkitty, I think I agree that this is a sign that something is less than ok and I should pay attention to it.

 

Mim, I think I trust my current therapist enough to maybe say this out loud. I might bring it written on paper as well though, just in case. I am already anxious, just thinking about it. Thank goodness for therapists. I know they won't get upset and they've probably heard it all before and I don't have to worry about whether I am being an unfair burden by sharing things with them.

 

Other people though. I can't be sure they won't get upset and then I will have to backpedal and comfort them and minimize. Or worse they want me to tell them how to make it all better. I don't really need people to do anything a lot of the time, just listen and validate and comfort me.

 

I feel like I am so responsible for containing the effects of how I'm feeling on other people. I guess because I know I'm fairly smart and resilient and fairly aware of some things and make decisions carefully. I shouldn't need to overdose or SI badly. I shouldn't need that care and attention. I can avoid that as long as I am sensible. So I don't think I would be deserving.

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feeling like you can let all the pain hang out and be comforted and reassured is a very human need, everyone needs that, no matter how tough they are. And if you are dealing with MI, trying to live your life, trying not to feel as if you are burdening anyone, then I can see why you might want a way to communicate how you feel. I hope you can tell your therapist and post here.

 

In the personality disorders thread, we have ideas for self soothing and comforting when you feel emotional pain, maybe take a look at those?

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