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POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING- If you have triggers, this post will probably set em off. I don't

know exactly what I'm about to say yet- but it ain't gonna be the weather. Also, I curse like a sailor, and am not politically correct,- so just know that it doesn't necessarily indicate anger, or hate or anything. Also also, I talk too much. Sorry.

 

Hi. I'm Shaun. I'm 28, transmale, and probably veeeerry fucked up in the head. But then again, to me it seems like most other people are the ones who are insane- so here I am, hoping to talk to people who will hopefully make more sense to me than the drooling neanderthals I manage not to avoid in my daily existance. I found this website by googling "If I want to have delisions, does that mean I'm already insane?", so thanks for talking about cool stuff so I could find this place. (And if anyone has the answer to that, I'd appreciate it.)

So as I said above, I'm "probably" very fucked up in the head- well the "probably" is because I kind of don't know if I'm insane or not. I don't really know what insanity is. I mean, we all know the stereotypes/cliche's of insanity, which are disproportionately scizophrenic symptons, but there's more to craziness than paranoia and voices. The other problem with not knowing if I'm insane or not is that I study psychology, and I am, not to brag or seem like a pompous ass, pretty damn intelligent, so I am constantly analyzing myself and those around me. But I have no formal training, so my resources are- the internet, and old stand-by info about not being crazy if you know you are. I don't know what's "crazy" and what's "normal behavior that we ALL hide, so it only SEEMS crazy because no one talks about it", I also nevver know if what I'm going through is the same as an actual symtom. Oh, and going to a shrink- not an option, otherwise I'd already be diagnosed.

 

Help? I can handle it if I'm crazy (I made peace with that a long time ago) but it would be nice to know for sure one way or the other. If anyone can give insights to what the not-crazies are calling these symptoms that would be rad too.


Gods, where the hell do I start? (You started already, jackass). Riiight, how about my habit of talking to myself without trying to? =T

I have a constant, rude as fuck by the way, running commentary inside my head (I only wrote out what it said above, I don't do that normally). I know I don't have a tiny person in my head, and I know it's just my own self-hate coming up in some weird form because it's the same things I would say if I were being a real douchebag to someone else (Ie: I detect my personal brand of snark in it), but it's weird because it's not active. I'm not thinking these thoughts on purpose, it just comes. Is that what "voices" are? Does it count as "voices" if I am AWARE it's not seperate from me? If not, then what the hell is it? It aint a conscience, that's for sure, the mean sonofabitch. I never had one of those guiding type voices, I don't even know if that's an actual voice or a figure of speech, but I think the latter.

Borderline Personality Disorder: I'm 99.9999% sure I have it. DON'T RUN, I PROMISE IM NOT ARMED!! Yeah, so there are nine symptons, and I have all of them. To varying degrees, thank Gods, but I have and display them all. BPD SUCKS. I hate it. I also hate my parents for giving it to me.

Delisions: It might be part of the "unrealistic thinking/fantastical thinking" sympton of bpd, but I am constantly throwing myself into fantasy worlds. Or at least I try. Reality sucks unless Im stoned (Oh, sweet sweet marijuana. Gift of the Gods!), and I'm never stoned enough ("Enough" = never sober and conscious at the same time.). I just have weird thoughts and wishes.. The last delision I honestly believed in really let me down when reality crushed it (It's stupid, I know, but I truly believed I'd never age past 21. Until I turned 22. That was a bad day. I still struggle with aging and my mortality.) so it's like, my brain went "Nope. Screw that disappointment." And won't let me believe anything anymore. But I WANT delusions. Life SUCKS. Mine especially. I want to escape. Bring on the motherfucking Matrix, reality is OVERRATED.

 

Suicide/Self Harm: Suicide, self harm and I have a funny relationship. As much as I hate life, I don't want to die. I just don't want to live MY life the way it is. Well, since living someone else's life isn't an option, fantasy is overrated ad I can't muster up some honest-to-god delisions, suicide seems like the best option left (Especially since I believe in reincarnation rather than 'nothing' or hell, etc.). Problem is, I can't get rid of this annoying, irrational 'hope' thing, though, that keeps stopping me from offing myself. It isn't a good hope, it's a mocking thing that basically laughs at me and says "Yeah, go ahead, dumb ass. Kill yourself right now. You WERE going to win the lotto tomorrow and meet the man of your dreams next week, but whatever. End it now, right before things get better. Stupid." Every. Time. And, for whatever reason (I think this is my only REAL delusion) I BELIEVE that shit. Every. Time.  Also, I'm terrified of going in a bad way- I can handle pain, what I can't handle is my last thought being the realization that someone is going to find me dead, in an embarrassing situation or in a puddle of my own waste. I also realise the irrationality of that worry. Like I said, stupid, and weird, but there it is.

Self harm- ehh... I got on this stupid drug once and since then it hasn't worked properly (Guys, I have to tell you, the drugs they give us for self harm are DELIBERATELY intended to remove the link between harm and the help it does. They aren't trying to make you want to stop hurting yourself, they just try to make it stop HELPING so that you keep harming, but eventually give up on it because it doesn't work anymore. Isn't that SICK?!)... But I still like the distraction. It focuses me on the stupid pain instead of letting me think about arguing- so at least it helps the situation with my roomies. If I'm cutting, I'm not yelling, so there's that.

 

Oh, and my stupid heart. I fall in love at the drop of a hat, and stay that way for too long. Over the complete WRONG people. And trust me, I know the difference between love and a crush- and it's love. When it shouldn't be. Like, oh, I dunno, Tobuscus from youtube for instance. I am aware how unlikely things are etc etc, but tell that to my heart, because it doesn't (probably with good reason) listen to my head.

 

But there we go, that's a short (yes. That is short. There's a reason my username is WhatIsSanity- because I don't think I've ever really known.) synopsis of some of my problems, but it was long enough already, so I'll save some of my crazy to share for another day.

Edited by WhatIsSanity
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Hello. Welcome aboard, stranger. It's spelled DELUSIONS with a "u." Sorry but I like spelling. I play Scrabble all the time.

Your post was a bit whack but I hope people still give you the respect you deserve.

I am sure they will tell you this: Nobody here can diagnose you darling. This is a PRO-MED and PRO-TREATMENT site. It may not be for you.

Thanks for giving me something to read. By for now.

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Welcome, WhatIsSanity.

 

If you haven't taken a moment yet, please do so to read The Rules, conveniently linked in the bottom right hand corner of each page. We ask all new members to do this.

 

Yes, indeed, we are a pro-treatment site. That means we encourage all of our members to seek and stay with appropriate in-real-life care for clarifying their diagnostic presentation and determining appropriate of treatment. It is unclear if you are self-diagnosed with BPD, though you say your only resources are your own self and the internet. It sounds like you are currently self medicating with pot and self harm. I'm encouraging you to see a qualified mental health team that includes someone who can prescribe legal meds and someone who can help you build the skills to create a life worth living without needing to resort to self harm to cope.

 

We also ask people to back things up with references when they make claims. For example, it would be ok to say that in your own experience the meds you were given to assist in reducing self harm seemed to not help with the self harm itself, but only made the self harm not as useful as a coping skill. What you have said here is patently false as you have written it.

Guys, I have to tell you, the drugs they give us for self harm are DELIBERATELY intended to remove the link between harm and the help it does. They aren't trying to make you want to stop hurting yourself, they just try to make it stop HELPING so that you keep harming, but eventually give up on it because it doesn't work anymore. Isn't that SICK?!

 

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Hi, welcome to the forums. This is a great place to find information, for sure. Do you have (any) professional diagnosis yet? If not, it can be helpful to seek outside validation - BPD is a strong and not particularly glamorous label. Nothing wrong with having that diagnosis - some of the best people in the world have it - but it would make your life easier to have it diagnosed and treated professionally. I try to keep up to date with personality disorder cause information, and I could be wrong - but I have seen no empirical data to suggest that you ''get it from your parents''. Worth researching a bit, maybe? 

 

Regarding your question 

 

"If I want to have delisions, does that mean I'm already insane?"

 

I am assuming you mean 'delusions', and why would you want to have them? Are you aware that most of them are not pleasant? That you don't get to choose what they are about? That paranoia is a main component of a lot of them? Also you are aware that you don't get to choose when they end, right? 

 

I hope you get help to deal with your issues, it sounds like you are suffering. However - and I fully admit I may be in a snarky, irritable hypomania at the moment - it really seems you are glorifying aspects of MI that actually cause a lot of suffering to those genuinely afflicted by them. And, yes I read your disclaimer about 'not being politically correct', but that doesn't give to the right to trivialize others suffering, IMO. 

 

I realize I am one of the first responders to your post, and I am not trying to drive you off. I hope someone more supportive and helpful comes along. 

 

Good luck.

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As for the rest of your post, I know that Mirazh and myself have struggled with a great deal of the things that you write about here.  I'll try to ping Mirazh to respond, otherwise I'll talk about the BPD stuff and my personal experiences.

 

First off, I'm not genderqueer, but I am queer, and I also am blunt as fuck and angry as hell.  I refuse to take shit from anyone because I took way too much growing up and that has made me absolutely insufferable as a human being now (not all the time!  there has been progress!) because I assume that everyone hates me.  That voice in your head?  I have that too, and I know it's not really conscious because in my case it's the voice of what everyone else who abused me would be saying.

 

The good news is that I've been in therapy for eight years and on and off various medications for the same amount of time and really, the therapy is what helped.  The meds helped me get out of being so depressd that all I could do was stare at the walls, and the therapy helped me deal with the trauma in my life, my own extraordinarily sensitive personality and feelings, and sort of a ...  How to Be A Functional Human Being (Remedial Level Tutoring), if that makes sense.

 

For one thing, I had no idea how to counteract or counterthink that negative voice; I would try, and then the voice would seem to make more sense, and so I would give up and just assume that really, it must be kinda right about me, even though it was saying all these negative things.  Therapy (and learning about Buddhism) helped me overcome that.

 

I'm going to link you to my post on my recovery and maybe it'll make a difference, I'm not sure.  Regardless, I'd love for you to talk more here-- I don't really get along with "sane" people either, which is why I'm a mod here :D

 

(No one here professes that therapy and psychiatry are a crock, and if you claim that they are without having some EXTREMELY thorough research, you WILL get banned.  We're a bunch of crazy people who are very very sure of that.)

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Hi and welcome!

 

You think you want delusions but what you want is an escape and that's understandable. You have a lot of pain. It isn't an escape, however, because you lose more control over yourself and what is around you. You are better off finding an escape through meditation, a hobby, exercise, etc.

 

Self-diagnosis is never a good idea because once you give yourself labels you look for affirmations of those labels within yourself. It's also important to remember almost everyone has, to a degree, the conditions needed to diagnose a disorder. There are many other factors that come into play when making a diagnosis which is why it's best left to the professionals.

 

I hope you find the help and support you are looking for here.

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Hello. Welcome aboard, stranger. It's spelled DELUSIONS with a "u." Sorry but I like spelling. I play Scrabble all the time.

Your post was a bit whack but I hope people still give you the respect you deserve.

I am sure they will tell you this: Nobody here can diagnose you darling. This is a PRO-MED and PRO-TREATMENT site. It may not be for you.

Thanks for giving me something to read. By for now.

I know it's spelled "delusions", that was called a typo. As you can obviously see by the rest of my post, grammar is important to me also.

I don't want anyone here to diagnose me.

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Welcome, WhatIsSanity.

 

If you haven't taken a moment yet, please do so to read The Rules, conveniently linked in the bottom right hand corner of each page. We ask all new members to do this.

 

Yes, indeed, we are a pro-treatment site. That means we encourage all of our members to seek and stay with appropriate in-real-life care for clarifying their diagnostic presentation and determining appropriate of treatment. It is unclear if you are self-diagnosed with BPD, though you say your only resources are your own self and the internet. It sounds like you are currently self medicating with pot and self harm. I'm encouraging you to see a qualified mental health team that includes someone who can prescribe legal meds and someone who can help you build the skills to create a life worth living without needing to resort to self harm to cope.

 

We also ask people to back things up with references when they make claims. For example, it would be ok to say that in your own experience the meds you were given to assist in reducing self harm seemed to not help with the self harm itself, but only made the self harm not as useful as a coping skill. What you have said here is patently false as you have written it.

Guys, I have to tell you, the drugs they give us for self harm are DELIBERATELY intended to remove the link between harm and the help it does. They aren't trying to make you want to stop hurting yourself, they just try to make it stop HELPING so that you keep harming, but eventually give up on it because it doesn't work anymore. Isn't that SICK?!

 

 

Encourage all you want, that's your business. Though, unless you're going to give me a car and the money to get there and pay for it, you probably want to save your breath. It's not like I don't WANT to be treated- it's that it's not POSSIBLE, can you read? People who get medical degrees are greedy, so treatment is expensive, and for someone who is so f'ed up in the head I can't work, that means no help for me.

What is unclear about that, exactly? If I weren't self-diagnosed, then my resources would have included a doctor.

I'm not medicating with self harm. I'm keeping the peace in my home with it. If I'm not cutting, I'm screaming. Screaming will make me homeless.   Which is better, cutting or homelessness?

"Create a life worth living". Ha. Because just being not crazy will make that happen. As I said, I don't self harm to deal with my BPD, I self harm so my roomies don't have to deal with it.

No, honey child, google it. That is what those medications do. That is ALL they do. That's not just my opinion.

Edited by WhatIsSanity
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Umm, I self harmed for ten years (before I started psych meds) and gave up after being on psych meds for a few years. I'm still on psych meds, and no self harm. I have posted my story for anyone who wanted to know my own individual experience. I personally have loved reading your personal experiences (and I thought delishions sounded way more vivid and decriptive as a typo than delusions, bit gutted to find it was a typo) BUT

 

Your personal experiences can be as way out batshit crazy and unique as you want and no one here will get on case about it. Let your freak flag fly, my friend.

 

You cannot say that because you don't want to seek medical treatment and you feel that psych meds make you self harm, that all meds cause self harm in a direct casual way. You sound like you have some sources, please do post because it sounds fascinating but it's not that simple, is it? Saying that some peoples self harm increases when they are medicated is not saying that meds do that a direct function.

 

Self harm happens for tons of different reasons, most members here have very unique triggers and reasons. They harm under very specific conditions. Many of them have never been medicated. If a med doesn't work, or has horrible side effects, that can mean people take meds and keep harming. Or maybe the meds do help a bit but not enough. Or maybe the meds work but they're having an episode. Or maybe fuck the meds, it's the choice for that person in that moment. But saying meds cause self harm is not true.

 

That's like saying that obnoxious men often wear fedoras, so it is fedora wearing that causes obnoxiousness, let us burn the fedoras. It's reactionary to say that kind of thing and there isn't truth to it. And if you are going around knocking fedoras off peoples heads and lighting them, well that is a pretty deliberate thing. It's not respecting someone elses choices.

 

I'm not saying that I doubt that your choices re: treatment are valid, I self harmed for a decade and had no intention to quit before I felt it was worth it and I had an alternative, so I hear you. But this forum is there to give those who self harm a space to recover in whatever way works from them, by not glorifying self harm or swapping techniques. Talk about the crazy, talk about the impact that self harm has upon your life, talk about not wanting to quit, talk about self harm but the members here use the forum to move away from it because THEY feel they want to use the space that way. So anyone who wants to glorify self harm or chat about being just fine with it as a long term strategy is going to be very disruptive in a 'making other people feel tempted to harm' way and not just in a 'oh, poor peoples feelings got hurt' kinda way.

 

On balance, we're here to give space to people who want to move from self harm to something else of their choosing. That space cannot be shared with people who want to keep self harming on their own terms and see no issue with it.

 

As for the other sections of the forum, enjoy. We are pro recovery and we don't tolerate anti meds because if we did, it would quickly turn into chaos of untreated mad people giving each other mad advice that would just make everyone get a lot worse. And I have BPD, psychosis, self harm history, alcohol abuse issue, sexual abuse history up the wazooo (pardon my analogy) and my untreated crazy alone has caused chaos. I don't have to choose other peoples treatment plans but I'm not about to sabotage them either. We have a lot of honesty here, and that begets vulnerability. This is a place people log on to at 3 am with no one else to talk to, having been kicked out of every pdocs office and every forum going. We need to make sure that they get good, sound advice that isn't going to harm them.

 

Be fucked up and talk about your own brand of fucked upness with no censor. But respect that we do things the way we do because our members want that. They ask us to run things this way, it has worked well for people for years and years, it helps people make their own choices. We have been a place that keeps members alive in some really dark moments. So yeah, we have rules. Rules have to exist to do that.

Edited by Titania
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Hi, welcome to the forums. This is a great place to find information, for sure. Do you have (any) professional diagnosis yet? If not, it can be helpful to seek outside validation - BPD is a strong and not particularly glamorous label. Nothing wrong with having that diagnosis - some of the best people in the world have it - but it would make your life easier to have it diagnosed and treated professionally. I try to keep up to date with personality disorder cause information, and I could be wrong - but I have seen no empirical data to suggest that you ''get it from your parents''. Worth researching a bit, maybe? 

 

Regarding your question 

 

"If I want to have delisions, does that mean I'm already insane?"

 

I am assuming you mean 'delusions', and why would you want to have them? Are you aware that most of them are not pleasant? That you don't get to choose what they are about? That paranoia is a main component of a lot of them? Also you are aware that you don't get to choose when they end, right? 

 

I hope you get help to deal with your issues, it sounds like you are suffering. However - and I fully admit I may be in a snarky, irritable hypomania at the moment - it really seems you are glorifying aspects of MI that actually cause a lot of suffering to those genuinely afflicted by them. And, yes I read your disclaimer about 'not being politically correct', but that doesn't give to the right to trivialize others suffering, IMO. 

 

I realize I am one of the first responders to your post, and I am not trying to drive you off. I hope someone more supportive and helpful comes along. 

 

Good luck.

I was prescribed Risperdal and I'm not schizophrenic. Possibly schizotypal. But, I ask you, please- how can someone who isn't borderline have ALL of the symptoms?

Magic? =P The woman never shared a diagnosis with me. Probably because I was there for alcoholism and transgender issues and not my mental health.

It would make life easier.  If people who help people weren't so disgustingly greedy, I might be able to do it, too. Sadly, they are, so I can't. No easier life for me.

You need to do more research on this particular personality disorder, then. It's often nicknamed "PTSD of childhood".  Neglect, invalidation, unpredictable environment and other abuse are all potentially causitive factors.

Because if I'm delusional, at least I won't know everything is wrong. My life is already unpleasant, but I am keenly, painfully aware of exactly how unpleasant it is. I'm already suffering from paranoia, and I haven't gotten to choose any of my other problems, either.   Yes, I know- who said I wanted them to ever end? If nothing else, it might get so bad it gives me the boost I need to end it all, since I'm too much of a coward to do it now.

Help is expensive. Drugs are affordable. Blame the FDA.   

"Glorifying"? Speaking frankly isn't glorifying. I was under the impression this wasn't the average whiney wet blanket mental health site?  Just because I'm not acting like it's the end of the world (since it ISN'T) doesn't mean I am trivializing.

Don't worry, you're not the first or only person to respond thusly. It seems this site isn't as tolerant as it pretends to be. Thanks anyway.

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There are plenty of people here who have no job and no money and still find the resources they need.  Maybe it's not a 5-star resource, and maybe it's a pain in the neck to get it, but they figure out a way.  Perhaps one of those people will be kind and point you in a helpful direction. 

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Umm, I self harmed for ten years (before I started psych meds) and gave up after being on psych meds for a few years. I'm still on psych meds, and no self harm. I have posted my story for anyone who wanted to know my own individual experience. I personally have loved reading your personal experiences (and I thought delishions sounded way more vivid and decriptive as a typo than delusions, bit gutted to find it was a typo) BUT

 

Your personal experiences can be as way out batshit crazy and unique as you want and no one here will get on case about it. Let your freak flag fly, my friend.

 

You cannot say that because you don't want to seek medical treatment and you feel that psych meds make you self harm, that all meds cause self harm in a direct casual way. You sound like you have some sources, please do post because it sounds fascinating but it's not that simple, is it? Saying that some peoples self harm increases when they are medicated is not saying that meds do that a direct function.

 

Self harm happens for tons of different reasons, most members here have very unique triggers and reasons. They harm under very specific conditions. Many of them have never been medicated. If a med doesn't work, or has horrible side effects, that can mean people take meds and keep harming. Or maybe the meds do help a bit but not enough. Or maybe the meds work but they're having an episode. Or maybe fuck the meds, it's the choice for that person in that moment. But saying meds cause self harm is not true.

 

That's like saying that obnoxious men often wear fedoras, so it is fedora wearing that causes obnoxiousness, let us burn the fedoras. It's reactionary to say that kind of thing and there isn't truth to it. And if you are going around knocking fedoras off peoples heads and lighting them, well that is a pretty deliberate thing. It's not respecting someone elses choices.

 

I'm not saying that I doubt that your choices re: treatment are valid, I self harmed for a decade and had no intention to quit before I felt it was worth it and I had an alternative, so I hear you. But this forum is there to give those who self harm a space to recover in whatever way works from them, by not glorifying self harm or swapping techniques. Talk about the crazy, talk about the impact that self harm has upon your life, talk about not wanting to quit, talk about self harm but the members here use the forum to move away from it because THEY feel they want to use the space that way. So anyone who wants to glorify self harm or chat about being just fine with it as a long term strategy is going to be very disruptive in a 'making other people feel tempted to harm' way and not just in a 'oh, poor peoples feelings got hurt' kinda way.

 

On balance, we're here to give space to people who want to move from self harm to something else of their choosing. That space cannot be shared with people who want to keep self harming on their own terms and see no issue with it.

 

As for the other sections of the forum, enjoy. We are pro recovery and we don't tolerate anti meds because if we did, it would quickly turn into chaos of untreated mad people giving each other mad advice that would just make everyone get a lot worse. And I have BPD, psychosis, self harm history, alcohol abuse issue, sexual abuse history up the wazooo (pardon my analogy) and my untreated crazy alone has caused chaos. I don't have to choose other peoples treatment plans but I'm not about to sabotage them either. We have a lot of honesty here, and that begets vulnerability. This is a place people log on to at 3 am with no one else to talk to, having been kicked out of every pdocs office and every forum going. We need to make sure that they get good, sound advice that isn't going to harm them.

 

Be fucked up and talk about your own brand of fucked upness with no censor. But respect that we do things the way we do because our members want that. They ask us to run things this way, it has worked well for people for years and years, it helps people make their own choices. We have been a place that keeps members alive in some really dark moments. So yeah, we have rules. Rules have to exist to do that.

So far, you're the only one not getting on my case about it. Good job keeping your panties un-twisted, too bad your fellows couldn't manage.

LOL, I didn't say I don't want to seek medical treatment, I said I CAN'T.

And you have completely misunderstood me about anti-cutting pills, as it seems EVERYONE else here has. You guys should learn to read better.

I didn't say that the meds CAUSE self-harm, that doesn't even make sense. I said that they don't actually stop it directly. They do it indirectly, by making it stop working for you, thereby removing the mental connection between cutting and relief. It would be like a skinny pill that doesn't make you lose weight, it just makes all food taste like feces until you lose the weight from not wanting to eat anymore.

You just keep self-harming, until the pills alter your brain chemistry and it gets no more happy-feels from it. So you stop cutting, but because it doesn't help anymore, not because the meds actually helped you not want to do it.

I'm not glorifying self harm... I'm just being practical and speaking frankly about it. I DO have issue with self-harm. I HATE it, I know it's risky, and stupid, and pointless.

But I have no alternative, if I don't want to be homeless. Self-harming does absolutely nothing for me emotionally anymore because of those disgusting drugs they put me on to stop. But pain still distracts me from raging, so I use it as a mental straight-jacket, to shut myself up before I get myself kicked out over my stupid BPD. Nothing else cuts (no pun intended) through the fog besides pain- except other borderline symptoms, and I can't pick which of those pop up. Trust me, I'd rather not. I don't have much choice in any area of my life.

Fluffy bunnies always get cuddled. so I get it. I guess people like me aren't worth bothering with, too honest or not soft and cuddly enough. It's okay, I'm used to that.

Edited by WhatIsSanity
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Can I ask what your goal was with this thread, what sort of responses you were hoping to get? 

 

It may be a productive way to address your dissatisfaction with the responses if we understand what it is you wanted or expected. 

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Can I ask what your goal was with this thread, what sort of responses you were hoping to get? 

 

It may be a productive way to address your dissatisfaction with the responses if we understand what it is you wanted or expected. 

Understanding? Commiseration?

Something besides the fluff-brained crap and guilt trips I get from other mental help sites that pander to weakness.

 

EDIT: I realized how that sounded just now. Please, understand, I don't mean weakness as being applicable to all people who need help. I do NOT mean that. I mean weakness, in the sense of people who are unwilling to help themselve in any manner. Not those who are unable.

Edited by WhatIsSanity
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*puts fluffy bunny back on to boil*

 

Yes, I see now what it is you were getting at. Psych meds cannot target self harm in any meaningful way in the sense that they cannot prevent self harm, they can help mental ill health symptoms that trigger or make someone turn to self harm. However the point of meds is not just to reduce the kind of crazy that causes me to want to self harm. It is supposed to get me to a place where I can examine my life and what is going on and fix it. Robotically not self harming because of a chemical neural signal is not my aspirational zenith. So accept my limits, take care of my health, do therapy, find other ways of coping with my emotions that work for me and don't involve self harm, yadda yadda, all that stuff. Moreover the meds I chose to manage my illness, I take long term, not just for a while to stop the urge and have it return.

 

My experience was that meds didn't dull the happy I got from self harm, they helped me get sane enough to look at self harm and want something that fitted into my life better. I like pain, I like tatts piercings and getting flogged during sex. I wouldn't medicate that away. But slashing myself in the loos at work wasn't working for me. I couldn;t count on a day where it stopped feeling good, but I also saw that after the feeling good was a whole fuckton more problems.

 

Over on the self harm forum, we talked about whether the urge to harm ever goes away, does it fade and return, or go away? Everyone has a different experience. Whether someone is currnt harming, has had a break for a few weeks or months, has stopped for years, done therapy, quit therapy, whatever, they have a place to talk. I misunderstood you when you said that you weren't going to stop as you saying that you wanted to openly talk about choosing self harm as an option. My bad.

 

I have no desire to cuddle you. I can see how shit it must be to not get treatment and be judged all over the place. But just as I have to take some responsibility for not projecting my stuff on you, you have to take some responsibility for the language you use. You're talked about weakness, people not being able to read, your tone has been pretty arrogant and patronizing yourself. And you can continue and get a load of shit from members, because we're reflecting that back and you're just button pushing, or you can climb down off that high horse.

 

No one here cares enough to relentlessly pick apart your own personal story. Really. There is nothing you said that I can't relate to ansd can't remember not feeling myself at some point. But if you make sweeping generalizations about other peoples stories, you will hear back on that. If you want to find another forum, be my guest, but we are the place most people come when they get sick of cyber hugs and drama. If you have to consider that mud sticks on you as much as it does me, you'll get a lot more from this place.

Edited by Titania
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I'd like to point out that I didn't mention any problem with the self-harm either.  You didn't reply to my post at all even though I m,entioned some personal stuff and similarities.  :unsure:  Like Titania, I agree,there's nothing you've said I can't relate to,.  I'd love it if you saw the people you interacted with here as individuals, not representatives of the forum, even if we do have to remind ou of therules that aren't your personal preference./

Edited by saveyoursanity
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