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(trigger warning)

I'm having so much anxiety about going to my doctor for a therapy referral or med change.  I'm feeling so embarassed to have to keep coming back for help time and time again;  things go good for a while and then when shit goes bad- it goes REAL bad.

I carry so much guilt on my shoulders.

I feel like a constant failure to my kids and my husband and even my doctor.

I finally let it out into the open yesterday that I hate myself for being depressed and out of control.  I hate myself for turning into this big problem everyone just has to work around or try and solve me.

Now my husband is on damage control trying to convince me of how happy I am and how I can just put my mind to it and pull myself up.  Don't I know that they all depend on me? How can I hate myself so much and be so selfish as to leave my kids without a mother? guilt guilt guilt...

I just want to die.  I don't want to go through this anymore.  I don't want to feel like I'm floating just below the surface of normal, underwater, slow motion, aching head to toe, like its a big fucking chore just to breathe and keep my eyes open, like I'm being dragged down into the groud when I try and move.

I'm so tired of seeing the disappointment in my kids eyes when mommy isn't available to them because she's lost inside herself, unable to connect to the little people I brought into the world

Tired of watching my husband struggle with how to make me better

Tired

tired tired tired.

But I can't die.  I can't go anywhere because I'm the only income for that household.  All four of them would have no home, no food, no warm beds, no mommy. 

UGH

I just want to feel like myself again. 

Honestly, though is it too much to ask?

-Mary

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Mary, it's not too much to ask.

 

However, you have to do a 180º turn on how you think about depression.  You have to sit your husband down and say "I have a condition/illness/mental illness (your choice of what to call it) and it affects me just as seriously as it would affect a person who has diabetes or hypertension.  It has to be treated with medications, and possibly therapy, and "positive thinking" is NOT going to make it better.

 

I'm sick.  I need medical help.  You need to hear me about this.  If you don't believe me go on line and read up on it."

 

If he's not working, he has plenty of time to go look it up.

 

Is your doctor a GP?  If he is, you need to get a referral to a psychiatrist.  You need a specialist.  If you had a broken leg, would you let your GP set it, or would you go to an orthopedic doctor?  Please get a referral to a psychiatrist so your illness can be treated by an expert.  The pdoc should definitely work with you on medication changes/tweaks and s/he should also refer you to a therapist.

 

You deserve a fulfilling, rich life----we ALL do.  Don't settle for this existence of dragging through your days.  No one should have to live with such unhappiness. 

 

If you feel you can't express this, then print out this thread and take it to the doctor.  Do it, Mary.  Your life will begin again once you have appropriate, effective medication and the right therapist.

 

Good luck.  Please let us know how you're doing.

 

olga

Edited by olga
misspelling
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Depression is a thief.  It takes your happiness, it takes you self esteem, it takes away your ability to believe in yourself.  You did not and are not doing anything wrong.  You are battling an illness that is as real as any physical illness.

 

The only thing I would add to olga's suggestions is a therapist.

 

You do not deserve to live this way.  You deserve to feel joy.

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I just want to add my voice and say that you have nothing to feel bad/embarrassed about. Depression is real, and it lies to us constantly. Don't believe its lies. Your husband has to understand that depression is not something that you can just snap out of. I also think that you need to be seeing a psychiatrist.

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I really appreciate you all taking the time to encourage me here.

I want my joy back.  I want my LIFE back.

I have only been to a GP and have felt the need for more comprehensive care but I'm not getting any support for that thought at home.

Again, thank you all so, very much

Sometimes it all looks so bleak, yano?

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You know how when you are on an airplane and they tell you what to do in case of emergency..You need to fasten  your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else. That is precisely what you need to do. Get yourself the help you need and stop beating yourself up for needing assistance. You have FAR too much worry and fear on your sweet head. I know you feel like the whole existence of your family rests on your shoulders but it can NOT be like that. Nobody should have that much pressure, healthy or not. You are married. Your DH needs to help you. Perhaps he can not find a job in this terrible economy but he CAN step in with the kiddos . You need to take care of YOU first or you will be of no help to anyone else Mary. 

 

I have a simple question for you. If you were a diabetic would you be embarrassed? Would the need to go to the doctor and take medication qualify anyone to look down on you? Of course not! You really do need to take Olga´s advice and change the way you think about depression. I should know because I have been living with this for a long time now. When I finally got the help I needed and stopped beating myself up for needing it, things got a lot better. A LOT better..

 

Be gentle with  yourself Mary. You sound like a wonderful, caring person. 

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