Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Is this the end, or is it just me?


Recommended Posts

So I have been with my husband for almost 7 years.  Married for 4.  And we have a beautiful, happy almost two year old.  Our relationship has always been good.  But lately... I feel like it might be the beginning of the end.  Backstory, I've always had issues with depression but when I had my daughter, I had PPD BAD.  Like I feel as if I've never came out of it even though obviously it's made it's way into other issues by now, two years later.  He's always been my best friend.  The one who makes me laugh.  But lately I can't stand to hear him talk.  I resent him.  I don't want to feel this way.  I've talked to my therapist about it a little bit - I have recently started a new medication and I have wondered if it is making me aggressive.  She thinks it is just my depression.  I don't know.  I am even starting to tread into the dangerous territory of talking to an old friend which I realize I shouldn't be doing (please don't judge, I'm just so unhappy)   The sad thing is, I don't think he realizes any of this.  I think he feels the same as always.  I have tried talking to him gently about it, saying "I don't feel like things are the way they used to be" but it doesn't seem to sink in.  I'm petrified of divorce - it just doesn't seem like an option.  I just feel scared and stuck and unhappy.  He is an amazing father and he takes great care of me.  I know I don't deserve him and I'm being a complete bitch.  I'd never find anyone else like him to love me but I just feel like we have been living in the same house side by side as friends or coparents.  I have no sex drive since the baby (and it was healthy prior to).  I just wish things were the way they used to be.  I wonder if they ever will be again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Carly,

I'm really sorry to hear about your problems.

I'm afraid I cant give you the advice that you probably want, but i just wanted to say that I slightly understand how you feel. (Apart from the giving birth bit, being a male and all)

Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, and i feel the same way about her sometimes. Its so hard and it makes me feel worse about myself because I know its not her fault. And even though I dont really talk to her about things, somehow its worked out so far!

I really hope that you can figure things out, and that someone on here gives you real advice!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PDD is a total nightmare, you must be really having a shit time right now. You're not a bitch. It's hard to cope with a new baby and it changes your whole lives together. You used to work well and have romance, sex, intimacy, now that has gone. It's natural to question whether it is depression or you changing. Or him. But the truth is, you've seen a huge change in your routine, your relationship, your finances, your body, your sex drive, his self image, your image of yourself, you're isolated from friends and a social life by your daughter etc. It would be weird if things carried on unchanged, it's normal for everything to go a awry.

 

And sadly, our society is not very good at letting new moms be honest and say 'bits of this new parenting thing suck. I hate this.' It's supposed to be a happy lovely time of family bliss. Maybe he has noticed the changes and is terrified you'l leave him. Maybe he terrified of not stepping up to being a good father and husband. Maybe he isn;t making sexual moves cos he fears you are tired or he will hurt you post birth. Maybe he is freaking out but feels he needs to be strong for you both...who knows? Seeing your wife go through PDD and raise a toddler is scary stuff. Maybe he hasn't dealt with it?

 

Two years is not a long time to stabilize your life after a child and PDD, I am sure it feels like ages. And feeling irritable, having negative thoughts and being less able to feel pleasure or closeness can be depression symptoms. Maybe you need to ask your therapist if you can talk about what this means if it's not depression, it sounds a little like your therapist may have dismissed your feelings as depression when you are worried they could be something more.

 

As for solving this; things didn't change overnight, they won't get better overnight. And divorce is not something you have to jump to. Maybe you two need to talk together with a therapist to safely say some truths and start to think about what you both might want. As for the old friend, whatever comfort they give, I promise it won;t be worth it in the end, either hub would find out, or you'd go too far and feel guilty, it never ends well. It's okay to want to be comforted and desired and like you have another option, but I recommend cooling that down until you give hub a chance to fix this with you.

 

Love doesn't just go away, neither does sexual passion or intimacy, but they can fade a little when life stuff gets in the way. And that is no one fault, certainly not yours for having a hard time with PPD. Yes, you may have tough conversations ahead, but you're a team, you're married, you can do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Obviously none of us can know if it is the beginning of the end for your relationship. But it sounds like you have both been through a lot during the 4 years of your marriage. Even just having a kid without the PPD would have been a huge adjustment, and you really weren't married all that long before your child came along. One thing I can tell you, as someone who has been married for almost 15 years and in a relationship for 19 years, is that relationships don't stay the same all the time. You are probably not always going to feel the same connection to your spouse or him to you. I don't mean that you'll feel less and less connection over time; I mean that you will go through stuff and sometimes you will feel closer than at other times. I think that's a reality for most relationships. What tends to keep people together is a mutual interest in working things out, trying to be there for each other, and trying to stay as connected as possible amidst the stresses of life, including children who, though lovely in their own way, put tremendous stress on parental relationships. I'd suggest you keep trying to communicate with your husband (and demand that he communicates back). And try to figure why you resent him and what you can do about that. And do yourself and him a favor by not believing things like you don't deserve him and you'd never find anyone else like him to love you. I'm sure you've got some awesomeness going on yourself, and you're not really doing him or you any favors putting him on that kind of pedestal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Obviously none of us can know if it is the beginning of the end for your relationship. But it sounds like you have both been through a lot during the 4 years of your marriage. Even just having a kid without the PPD would have been a huge adjustment, and you really weren't married all that long before your child came along. One thing I can tell you, as someone who has been married for almost 15 years and in a relationship for 19 years, is that relationships don't stay the same all the time. You are probably not always going to feel the same connection to your spouse or him to you. I don't mean that you'll feel less and less connection over time; I mean that you will go through stuff and sometimes you will feel closer than at other times. I think that's a reality for most relationships. What tends to keep people together is a mutual interest in working things out, trying to be there for each other, and trying to stay as connected as possible amidst the stresses of life, including children who, though lovely in their own way, put tremendous stress on parental relationships. I'd suggest you keep trying to communicate with your husband (and demand that he communicates back). And try to figure why you resent him and what you can do about that. And do yourself and him a favor by not believing things like you don't deserve him and you'd never find anyone else like him to love you. I'm sure you've got some awesomeness going on yourself, and you're not really doing him or you any favors putting him on that kind of pedestal.

 

What Unstrung Harp wrote struck a chord with me--I can really relate to this from my own experience.  Just because your marriage is in a tough spot right now doesn't mean it will always be that way.  The passion you once felt can be reignited again.  Might you consider couples therapy?  It can really help to open the lines of communication and see things from one another's perspectives.  I'm so sorry for all you've been going through.  Things in your marriage can improve, although it can be difficult to see that when you're in a low spot.  Take good care of yourself--I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been married for almost 13 years and have kiddies. I suffered PPD after my first (which went undiagnosed for a long time). As others have stated, no one can tell you if your relationship is over or not but things do ebb and flow and when you have parental pressures or other external pressures it can really do a number on how you connect with each other.

It's also very easy to fall into patterns of just co-parenting and seeing each other as parents. I honestly have not felt very sexy nor felt much like sex since I had kiddies, I'm not sure why, my doctor wants me to see a therapist. It's not that I don't find my husband attractive or anything, it's all me. I just feel too tired and too busy or something.

I don't think it's time to shut the books on your marriage, I do think talking to this old friend of yours is stepping into some dangerous territory though. I understand you feel lonely, perhaps seeing a therapist might help. Suggest your husband join you (and if he won't, go on your own, he might be able to be encouraged to go later but at the very least it might offer you some support).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all so much.  My husband and I had a talk last night and it was very positive.  I can't express how much I appreciate all the positive thoughts and advice.  Joining this community was one of the few good decisions I have made.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Other people have said it better than me, in terms of the ebbs and flows of relationships. 

 

My SIL struggled with untreated PPD - not sure how bad it was - and it ended with, when her daughter was 3, kicking her partner out of the house.  They've worked things out, but it seems like - from the outside - a lot of the stress came from the PPD. 

 

Your new medication could be making you more aggressive.  I don't know if this is the best to relate on a first-person site, but my partner has behaved more aggressively on certain ADs than on others. 

 

I'm glad you had such a positive talk. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have so much to say - SO much, maybe too much. I've totally been there. But I didn't open up, didn't talk to him, didn't share what I was feeling, because it was too scary. That caused the resentment to fester even more. I got treatment for PPD but never really got into how I was feeling about our relationship with my therapist, probably because I was scared to admit how I really felt with a little one at home. In the end I reached for someone else (online, of all the things, but I was attracted to the non physical relationship I think), and ultimately it just made things worse. By the time I talked honestly with my hubs, we were in counseling but I had lost interest. I will always wonder if it could have been saved but I never gave it a real chance. Don't wait, talk to him, honestly, openly, and often. Don't look elsewhere until you know that's what you trying want. Rough patches are normal, and PPD can make you feel like a completely different person - but those are obstacles that you can work through, with help and honesty from both parties. Don't give up without giving it that chance!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have so much to say - SO much, maybe too much. I've totally been there. But I didn't open up, didn't talk to him, didn't share what I was feeling, because it was too scary. That caused the resentment to fester even more. I got treatment for PPD but never really got into how I was feeling about our relationship with my therapist, probably because I was scared to admit how I really felt with a little one at home. In the end I reached for someone else (online, of all the things, but I was attracted to the non physical relationship I think), and ultimately it just made things worse. By the time I talked honestly with my hubs, we were in counseling but I had lost interest. I will always wonder if it could have been saved but I never gave it a real chance. Don't wait, talk to him, honestly, openly, and often. Don't look elsewhere until you know that's what you trying want. Rough patches are normal, and PPD can make you feel like a completely different person - but those are obstacles that you can work through, with help and honesty from both parties. Don't give up without giving it that chance!

It is scary.  And I am afraid if I say too much I will hurt him.  I don't get into our relationship with our therapist because... it will make the problems seem real.  And I'm way too embarrassed and ashamed to tell her about the someone else.  Which even that seems to be going down the tubes, making me feel even more worthless (even though it's probably the best case scenario).  The thing is, I do want to try, I do want to give it a chance.  It's just hard, so hard.  Thanks for everything you said.  I kind of want to add you as a friend because I feel like I can relate to you.  Would that be okay? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely: I am also available over IM but haven't put it on my profile, but if you need someone to talk to let me know. I know all too well how it feels to be ashamed and afraid to make it "real." Thing is, those feelings? You're feeling them, so they are real. And you want to hate yourself for it, which makes it so easy to step into the "he doesn't deserve this" and the "I don't deserve him" realms. But what's happening when you think like that is you're not giving either one of you a chance to fix it. It's not easy to switch gears, and it might suck for a while. But try to be forgiving, to yourself most of all, and work on digging back up to the surface, even if it's one inch at a time. If you can talk to your hubs & be as honest as possible, you'll gain an ally who will help you in this, and that can be huge. As I said, let me know if you want to talk more. I may have my own issues but I'm always willing to talk, and it sounds like you're going through something similar to what I did - sometimes perspective helps, and sometimes you just need a sounding board.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...