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Feeling normal and that's very abnormal


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Been trying to get stable for a few years now. Only dx is bp, I seem to be on the cusp between 1 & 2. No psychosis, just severe enough mood swings to ruin my life, career, and relationships.

I got to where I was drinking daily most of the time since about 5 yrs ago. I forced myself to stay home a week recently to avoid the stores & bars. Haven't had a drink now in 20 days.

My big motivation was to see if a new med regimen would finally work. Latuda 40 mg, effexor XR 225 mg. I knew drinking must compromise the benefit, after all it's a depressant. For last 2 yrs I was on seroquel (200mg) and the Effexor.

For the last ten days I have been symptom free. I'm sleeping through the night finally, and feel grounded and even keeled. Last week I started w a therapist I like, and am scheduled to see her weekly.

Like many of us, I had to adjust my life because of my illness. Any stress or too much stimuli was too much. I spent many days crying and grieving my relationship losses which include my daughter & 2 grand babies. Haven't been able to stick with a job or follow through with much. I have a wonderful man who still loves me. But my self esteem has been in the toilet.

Looks like if I'm lucky, I'm going to have to adjust to not being sick. And if I'm not sick, seems like I should get back to actually doing something with my life. That's a concept I haven't considered in a good while.

Has anyone else gone through this strange thing called "recovery"?

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I'm feeling the same way, for about the past week I've been feeling rather stable, I think that despite the fear a lot of people have about antidepressants for Bipolar, the fact that a started Prozac a little over 2 weeks ago and my feeling better are no coincidence. I was just about to start a thread about this, I feel like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I feel weird feeling stable. I was feeling so depressed for so long and mood stabilizers and anti psychotics were not cutting it and I knew I needed Prozac, because I often feel better with it in my cocktail of drugs. And now it's like...what is this feeling I have? Sure, I dropped my lunch on the floor the other day and really felt like hurting myself or killing myself and I screamed expletives very loudly, but I'm going to say that's my personality disorder and not my bipolar. So, in the bipolar half I feel like I'm doing a lot better.

 

I too have lost a lot "career" wise. I put career in quotation marks because my real career never began due to my illness constantly ruining school for me. And I basically have no people I would consider actual good friends except for one cousin of mine. 

 

I'm glad you're feeling better as well. I hope we can both continue to feel stable and to get used to the idea!

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Congratulations on 20 days sober and feeling better.

 

I stabilized after 10 years of rapid cycling.  I've been stable for 6 months now and it feels like I'm slowly getting my life back.  I feel more confident, more comfortable in my own skin and just generally "better".

 

I can definitely empathize with what you've had to give up b/c of BPII.  

 

Best of luck with your continued sobriety.

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Thanks guys for relating. Phoenix, I'm not clear on the definition of rapid cycling, or mixed episodes. I guess depressed and manic at same time?

Well it was another night of sleeping decently. No drinking and no drama. It's a bit boring, but I'll take it. I did get to the gym last nite.

Today, Have to look after my horses in 20 degree weather, go to the dentist, then driving an hour to take soup to my 82 yr old mother in law. (When I'm depressed I certainly don't do things like that).

Let's see then since I'm out and off the farm I'll probably hang at a coffee shop until I meet dh at the gym at 5:30. What's everyone up to today?

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I am in that stage, too! I for once no longer feel up or down, just kind of in the middle.. experiencing everyday life as it should be.. sure I have my bad moods and good moods, but they're the kind 'regular' people get, not bipolar swings. I love it! It feels good. I know this sounds stupid and cliche and you've heard it a million times but I've been dieting, exercizing, and taking vitamins (on top of my meds) and it has helped tremendously. I can sleep normal 8 hours and feel refreshed and things are good! I almost don't know what to do with myself now! 

 

Glad to hear you're doing better!

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Good for you 2spirals. Do you work? Well before I got this stable I applied for disability. Since I've only been good a few weeks, I'm not going to discard that process yet. I think the real test is how we respond to stress. I have had the luxury of not having to work to survive, thanks to my dh. But he's older than me, will need to retire at some point, and we aren't wealthy, so I will need an income. For the last year, I have insulated myself. I tried working twice, and both times got triggered after a few weeks. One job I talked back to a supervisor and decided to quit before they fired me (don't think they were planning on it but that's how sensitive I was). Other job I ended up crying to the boss after 2 wks that it was too stressful, and quit after another week. If I do get approved, I will definitely work part time, up to the max if I can. I think signing up with a bunch of temp agencies is good, because if it's not good for me it isn't permanent. If I don't get approved, I may need to just bite the bullet and take a full time job. In the meantime, I have started therapy weekly with someone I like. I'm alone a lot, but I have a couple of horse and trail ride with other ladies when it's not freezing. I have a daughter with two little ones that cut me off a year and a half ago, and I of course carry that sadness with me. I cried for a year. At this point I'm trying to count my blessings instead of my sorrows. And I'm trying to be more productive each day now. It's amazing how many extra hours of function you have in a day when you don't get drunk. 

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Sunnymare: Rapid cycling is defined as having four or more episodes of depression, mania or mixed episodes in one year.  A mixed episode is where you exhibit symptoms of both depression and mania.  So, for example, I would be really depressed but irritated and agitated at the same time.

 

It sounds like you are doing very well.  I hope it continues for all of us.

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Saintalo, thx. I'm taking baby steps. As they say in AA, I was going to end up either in jail or under it. It was time to make a decision. And changes. Of course Latuda makes this possible, but I would still be very symptomatic if I was drinking. As long as that med works, I have no one and nothing to blame if I go back to the drinking. I may be an alcoholic, but I'm certainly not in withdrawal after 20 days. I have a choice now. I'm not working, I'm 46, and if I can't stay well, I don't know how I will survive financially until I'm 80 or 90.

Phoenix, thx for definitions. I def have (had??!) mixed episodes and rapid cycling but other than one exception 2 yrs ago, it's hypo mania.

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