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stuck in mid-air


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I feel suspended in air.  I'm not doing anything.  I'm just sleeping too late, drinking too early.  I feel like I'm waiting for something.  Nothing is happening.  

I can't really say I'm depressed.  Maybe I am.  I'm just stuck in glue in mid-air, and I don't know if I really care about it.

About a year ago I had big plans to be somebody.  I went to school, went to on-hands training.  

I failed horribly.  Just terrible.  Dreams and big plans go *poof*.  

Since then I've given up on just about anything that has a pulse of life outside me.  It's been like this for months.

I get up everyday, as late as it may be, which may be commendable.  but the plans I thought about during the night are way too big to accomplish, fizzle, and die in the morning.

 

I can't say i'm suicidal.  I know how THAT feels.

I break plans down to simple steps.  1) get up.  2) feed cat.  3) make coffee.

I can sometimes make a plan work.  I just feel like SUCH a waste of organic matter (i just watched MMII).

I'm waiting for something.  Does that click with anyone?  

I don't think anything will ever happen.

i'm SA BP, seroquel, lamictal, lithium.

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Were you less depressed/more stable when you abstained? I know I am. I wish I could just drink moderately once or twice a week. And I'm sure I will try that again. But it's always escalated. To having too many, too often. No one wants to drink with me anymore, because after the 3rd or 4th I get negative or worse. I'm not a fun drunk. And last month I managed to get my first DUI. Not to mention my dh was at the end of his rope. I try to remind myself every day that the feeling of pleasant escape that lasts an hour is not worth my entire mental health, life, and freedom.

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The DUI prosecution laws in WA are brutal. 

 

I saw my first shrink in 1998, I think.  He said he wouldn't prescribe any meds until I cleaned up.  so I went to my first detox and then my doc prescribed depakote.  For whatever reason, my body pissed the depakote straight out of my body.  I was in hell from some of the worst depression I've ever had and I begged my doc for relief.  He wouldn't do it because I wasn't stabilized, I was too manic.  So he just kept upping the depakote.  The dep got so expensive that I drove to Canada to buy it.  It wasn't covered by the crappy insurance I had at the time.

 

I have to say, I still get so depressed that it's hard to breath, and so mixed that I keep the bandaids handy. 

 

I don't know if anyone is reading this.  I envy anyone that's stable.  What would life be like for me if...? 

 

But it is a choice and I choose not to take more medication.

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I feel suspended in air.  I'm not doing anything.  I'm just sleeping too late, drinking too early.  I feel like I'm waiting for something.  Nothing is happening.  

I can't really say I'm depressed.  Maybe I am.  I'm just stuck in glue in mid-air, and I don't know if I really care about it.

About a year ago I had big plans to be somebody.  I went to school, went to on-hands training.  

I failed horribly.  Just terrible.  Dreams and big plans go *poof*.  

Since then I've given up on just about anything that has a pulse of life outside me.  It's been like this for months.

I get up everyday, as late as it may be, which may be commendable.  but the plans I thought about during the night are way too big to accomplish, fizzle, and die in the morning.

 

I can't say i'm suicidal.  I know how THAT feels.

I break plans down to simple steps.  1) get up.  2) feed cat.  3) make coffee.

I can sometimes make a plan work.  I just feel like SUCH a waste of organic matter (i just watched MMII).

I'm waiting for something.  Does that click with anyone?  

I don't think anything will ever happen.

i'm SA BP, seroquel, lamictal, lithium.

I have been to this place before... it's such a confusing place to be and not be at the same time. 

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Zeekers and others who have been/are in this place of suspension/floating; I am there right now, too.  Each night, I make plans (that I think are reasonable), and the next day (like right now, I am still here in my pajamas), not really having accomplished anything, feeling like I really don't know what to do nor caring that much (I don't feel particularly depressed consciously, more lethargic/non-caring).  The only thing I eventually do is schoolwork for college, but that is because I have to, and even that I procrastinate on (which I never did before things went way south).

 

I know that my husband thinks I am awful because I don't help around the house more--although he is very understanding when I am in a fibromyalgia flare or mixed state.  

 

My therapist(s)--I have one for marital counseling and one for individual counseling--have talked with me about the necessity of setting up a definite schedule that still allows for some flexibility, and when I think about doing it, I feel like, "Okay, this is it!", but then I don't.  My PDOC has pretty much made a med adjustment which has seemed to combat some of the worst issues with anxiety and rapid cycling that I was having.

 

Anyway, everyone, thanks for listening, and Zeekers, I hope that you can get out of this place.  If anyone has additional suggestions about how to get momentum, I am certainly open.

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I can totally relate, zeekers. I've felt like that for weeks, months, sometimes years. What it is? Is it a mild depression? I'm kinda there right now again. Every little thing seems so overwhelming that you can't get anything done. Stuff piles up. Lounge around all days in pjs or sweats and slippers, maybe a robe over. Drink all day long to numb it even more. And I just don't care. And if it looks like shit might hit the fan because of my neglect, I just wash over it with, "BFD, I'll just off myself." Feel so worthless. I think the alcohol contributes a lot to this. I've managed to scale back tremendously since starting the meds, and hope to jettison if altogether in the next couple weeks. Hopefully that will help. Or maybe the alcohol is just a way to not feel. Maybe both. I dunno. I hope you get it sorted out. I hope I do, too.

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THANKS EVERYONE for your responses.  They've helped.

 

I stopped taking my morning dose of lamictal several months ago.  Dunno why, just stupid.  Along with the Rx, I stopped taking my super-duper B, fish oil, and something else.  I'm going to back on them.

 

And now for some wine.  ha ha.

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I totally get that way if my Lamictal is too low.

 

For me though, any time I feel like that, it is depression, and needs to be taken seriously and treated.  I never think so at the time, because in that particular type of depression, I don't have a subjective feeling that I'm "depressed."  Instead I blame myself for being such a weak-willed useless failure.  But fact it can be pretty severe depression and still I don't realize what is going on because I'm not thinking clearly.

Edited by tamagotchi
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