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I'll try to be as brief as possible without rambling on. I'm new to this board and have forgotten to properly introduce myself. I'm an 18 year old gay male living somewhere in Phoenix Arizona. I have come here to chat with others who have the same problems as me, and to generally just be around other "mentally interesting" people. I guess you could say this all started out at a young age. Whether it was genes, my environment, or both I have somehow become mentally interesting in my own way. I grew up in a semi normal home in the suburbs of Phoenix. Life was pretty great and my family loved me, and I was the youngest. We went on vacations, travelled around, had fun. But there was always constant fighting in my house, not between my parents but my father and my siblings. Things would get physical. I constantly cried wishing it would stop but it never did and I just tried to forget about it. Then around the age of 6, my family (excluding my oldest sister) moved to somewhere in Orange County, California. It was really fun to be by the ocean, and I made a lot of new friends. But things started to get worse at home and I noticed changes in myself. My brother, while only a teenager, started to get a bit too much into drugs. It caused chaos in the house and I felt more stressed and more scared about everything, but still somehow managed to forget about it all. I started to notice a change in the way I looked at girls, and boys. It was pretty interesting I guess. Anyway, let's get to the good parts. We move back to Phoenix due to my brother getting in too much trouble with the law in cali. I get thrown into a school where I felt like an outcast, got bullied a little, but mostly by my close friends. My brother got more into drugs and started acting strange.

 

My brother was suddenly bullying me and my mom. He was around 19 and I was around 11. He started to spy on me and think the neighbors were plotting against him. He always thought I was out to get him and at 11 I was so scared and terrified. He also started to bully me saying he and his friends thought I had a girly voice, and he thought I was fat. Fast forward a bit, thinks get worse at home, I start to cut myself at 11 to relieve the fear and sadness I felt about everything, and I started to try to lose weight, which little did I know meant I was going to develop an eating disorder that would haunt me for the next 9 years. Came out of the closet at 12, in middle school, got bullied and hated my life. I would starve myself, self harm, and escape to the internet to escape my life. Things got worse with my brother, found out he had been using methamphetamine and my mother found needles in his room. My dad started to generally dislike me. He ignored what my brother was doing at home, how he was treating me, and just in denial about everything. My mother was in even more denial, but most likely due to ignorance. At 13 I felt for the first time what it was truly like to be "depressed". Dropped out of school, did online schooling and contemplated suicide every day. I would practice hanging myself and tying the noose in hopes that someday I would have the strength to do it. This went on for about another year, until I was 15 and went to a public high school. Met a lot of great people, but also got really deep into mental illness and self destruction. Freshman year, I constantly ditched due to feeling angry and depressed to do anything. Tried drugs, started smoking cigarettes, etc. One of the drugs I tried gave me my first panic attack, which would then lead to the next 3 miserable years of my life. Became extremely depressed, so anxious and panicky about everything, panic attacks constantly, sophomore year I dropped out and started to starve myself again. No one noticed or cared. The only person who would comment on my state, was my sister, who said I looked like "an african child". I decided to change my act at 17, stopped smoking weed, stopped smoking cigarettes, gained some weight back, and went back to school. While quitting smoking was a great idea and I still haven't smoked since august 2012, my anxiety intensified to levels I never even knew of, because of school. Panic attacks daily, constant anxiety in my body, sleeping for 2 hours after school and sleeping for 2-3 hours at night. Every day felt like a nightmare, a very foreign and unreal nightmare. Everything felt unreal. I eventually dropped out again because my panic attacks and anxiety got so extreme. I thought this would die down by not being in school, but it actually worsened and grew into the demon known as "agoraphobia".

 

Since I first realized I had agoraphobia in late 2012, my life went down and down and down. I could not leave the house, it would always be a hellish experience. I knew something had to be done because I could no longer go on like this, so my father and I went to our family doctor, where he prescribed me Zoloft. Horrible experience with it, could only last 5 days since it gave me the most intense anxiety I have ever ever felt. My heart would not stop racing. Next up was Celexa, with an add on of Klonopin .5mg to take when I'm really anxious. Celexa was interesting, at 10mg I felt it helped my depression and even my anxiety, but much less. The start up side effects were horrid though. Then I upped the dose to 20mg. And how horrible that was. Left me in a zombie haze, where I felt so tired and fatigued but yet so restless and out of it. I started to self injure again because it would make my depression go up and down, up being normal level of depression and down being call the suicide hotline right now. Tried to see a CBT therapist, but too expensive. Now here I am seeing a psychiatrist who I also might stop seeing and need to look for a new one since it is too costly for my father. THat's another thing, my father. He is one of the most toxic people I know. He makes me feel guilty about being mentally ill, he doesn't like to take me to any doctor for it, and he always blames me for how dysfunctional his family is. The med cocktail I'm on is pretty good, and I am hoping that prozac will be the antidepressant that actually works.

 

 

And that's it for now. Sorry if it was so long. You'll mostly see me giving my opinion on threads, asking for advice, or just giving updates on my condition.

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Hi there and welcome to CB. I am sorry to hear about all the suffering you have endured so far in life. I hope you like it here. You will find some people here that can relate to you. There are many folks here who have family that don't understand our mental illnesses. We are here to support each other. Can you maybe find a sliding-scale fee psychiatrist and therapist? I am glad that your current med cocktail is working well. 

 

 

I hope that things get better for you. Enjoy your stay here at CB. :)

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Welcome to Crazyboards.  It sounds like you have had a really difficult time.  I hope things improve for you, and that you enjoy meeting the other members here in the happy asylum.

 

Be sure to read the rules.  You can find a link to them at the bottom of the page, on the right.  We ask new members to read them so we are all on the same page.

 

Good luck!

 

olga

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