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Hello all from a fellow bipolar. who is in urgent need of advice from other bipolars...

 

this is long, but please take time to read it, my thoughts are hard to express in a clear way right now. I did the best I could. I really need advice.

 

First off, I'll sum this up. I don't feel crazy and I can't understand why people are telling me I'm not acting normally. This is all coming from my husband. I have to establish very clearly that he is a calm, level headed, patient man who has been only a blessing for me since the day we met. Right now he is very worried about me but I don't understand why, as much as he tells me things.

 

Here is my history...

 

I am diagnosed as having bipolar 1. In the past few years, I suffer almost exclusively with mixed episodes on the psychotic side of things. This usual manifests as a sandwich of rage/love/despair/gratefulness/hopelessness/intense optimism/laughter/crying/suicidal all at once. That and I start getting delusions and auditory hallucinations.

 

I've dealt with this illness for 11 years so I am pretty aware of warning signs and symptoms that require help. I'm 100% compliant to pills and counselling. Right now I don't feel in the throws of my usual mixed episodes and I don't feel a danger to myself so long as I am not in a situation where I am alone. I can't be alone because that does make things crazy.

 

The reason I am writing is that right now I have this weird split going on. I sort of know something is very wrong based on the reactions of my husband and my friend. He is so worried and overwhelmed by something and he is so level headed and keeps his calm almost ALL the time... but he just blew yesterday. He just kept saying "I don't know what to do!"

 

According to others I'm acting strangely I think... I say I think because I don't know what it is I'm doing. Honest to God, everything seems normal to me. I have some kinda intense secretive beliefs going on about my existence and what I do, but I just can't think of them as being harmful to anyone, or why it should be so upsetting that I am enjoying being inspired. I don't see the alone thing being an issue because people are in close proximity to me all the time, at least for a few more months and I should be better by then if I need to be better.

 

I will say I get hysterical a lot lately over small things. I am not "well". But there has never been a point my history that anything has been fully effective in treatment. I can function, but only at a base level (no job, low stress environment). Right now I stop getting hysterical by repeating to myself "this isn't real" or writing that a lot. It helps me calm down, so I see nothing wrong about a coping mechanism.

 

I can't get much out of my husband that I can understand. 

 

I am seeing my doctor soon, my psychiatrist, and counsellor. I don't know what I should do though? I'm taking massive seroqel doses so my head is blurry a bit, and that makes it even harder to think or what to do. I sleep normally, but it has never been sleep deprivation that triggered my manic episodes, and I guess they are severe. It feels like someone sneezing 100 miles away can be a trigger for my episodes, they are so sensitive to EVERYTHING.

 

Anyway, Is the whole definition of crazy dependant on a person not thinking or believing themselves to be so?

 

Should I be in a hospital? 

 

I'm only a danger when I'm alone, I've come to realise this for now. But when my husband is here I feel okay. Maybe it's unfair to ask this much of everyone around me 24/7...  

 

I'm rambling... just help me understand some things if you can. Someone?

 

Thanks in advance. I'm very confused

 

 

 

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Hello Melissa,

 

Thanks for reading. It means a lot. I am just going to wait and see, I guess. I just worry about how everyone around me is reacting to me. 

 

It's so strange. When i discuss something unrelated or hang out with a friend, it's like nothing is wrong at all. When I go to discuss myself, write about myself, or figure out something in regards to a decision that affects me... my brain turns to scrambled eggs and just spits out confusing babble.

Edited by saintalto
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Hi and welcome to CB.

 

I have found for myself that the people around me - the ones who know me well - are good for reality checking.  If your husband is expressing concern about your behaviour, then it's possible that what you think you are keeping to yourself (you mention "intense secretive beliefs", for example) isn't actually as well hidden as you believe.

 

Unfortunately nobody here can tell you if you should or shouldn't be in hospital, or what is really going on right now inside your head, but it does sound like you need help.  It's therefore very good that you're seeing your psychiatrist (pdoc) soon - please be sure to be completely frank and upfront with him/her about all of this.  Your care providers should be part of your reality checking team too, but they can only assist if they have all the information.  You could even print out your post and take it to your appointment if you're worried that you won't be able to find the words when you get there.  Another possibility would be for your husband to go into the session with you to explain to the pdoc what he is seeing.

 

--

edit - sorry, I think I may have misunderstood you - I'm not sure if you're talking about one person close to you (just your husband) or two (husband and another friend) - apologies if I did get that bit wrong.  My advice stays the same.

Edited by miab
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I agree with both posters above :)

I am not a professional either- but I have read your post.

Take my words with a grain of salt as I am also a fellow Bipolar pt- but the fact you're wondering if you should be in hospital and the people you know are close to you are expressing concern is maybe a good indicator of what to do?

Also- I think it would be good to see your pdoc ASAP and take this post with you perhaps?

 

On a different note here's come cyber (((hugs))) and I hope everything settles with you soon xx

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I think miab's advice to print out your posting and take it to your pdoc is great.  It's always good to have written talking points when you go to the doctor, especially when the thoughts are coming fast and furious.

 

I am not bipolar, but unipolar depressed, so I haven't been exactly where you are.  However, I have been sort of suicidal, overwhelmed and confused frequently.  Once, I did go to the hospital.  In my case, it was unhelpful, but I wasn't ready to actually hurt myself or others.  If I ever felt I WAS ready to hurt myself or others, I WOULD go to the hospital again, though definitely not the one I went to previously. Only you can say what category you fall into right now.

 

Try not to brand yourself as "crazy" even though I have a hard time taking my own advice on that one. Society still stigmatizes those of us with non-optimal neurotransmitter function, even though most of us work very hard to cope with our suffering and contribute to the world.  Those whose bodies function differently than ours can never fully understand how difficult it is for some of us just to get dressed and eat a ca ndy bar, let alone be "fully functional" whatever that means.  However, the fact that you were able to write a quite coherent, detailed post here despite your current confusion tells me that you are smart and have a great deal to offer the world.   Try to give yourself a lot of credit for fighting the good fight.

 

I would go on but I REALLY need to go to bed as my sleep cycles are horrible and I'm trying to get better.  I would just say for sure, go to your Pdoc asap, tell him/her what your loved ones are observing and how you feel.  Remember to print this all out and take it with you.  And do use this online community for support.  I post very infrequently, but I have read and learned a great deal here.  In the end, we have to take charge of our mental health care, and we can only do that when we are well informed enough to work proactively with our pdocs, etc.

 

Take care, and remember you are NOT alone. 

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Thanks for the replies. I read it and I just don't feel "crazy" right now. It's so hard to understand because I am so hyper aware of all my symptoms and I can usually catch this stuff early on. 

 

The fact my husband wanted to leave for a day to clear his head and figure out what to do scared the living shit out of me... that has never happened before. He kept assuring me it wasn't permanent, it wasn't him leaving me and that I wasn't my fault. Even now though, I just don't know why or what I am doing that is causing all this.

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((((hugs)))) santalto x

:(

 

*  a thought popped into my brain when I just re-read your last post. Not to sound condescending, but have you ask him what it is about you/your behaviour at present that is causing his alarm?

Edited by miss-e
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I think miab's advice to print out your posting and take it to your pdoc is great.  It's always good to have written talking points when you go to the doctor, especially when the thoughts are coming fast and furious.

 

I am not bipolar, but unipolar depressed, so I haven't been exactly where you are.  However, I have been sort of suicidal, overwhelmed and confused frequently.  Once, I did go to the hospital.  In my case, it was unhelpful, but I wasn't ready to actually hurt myself or others.  If I ever felt I WAS ready to hurt myself or others, I WOULD go to the hospital again, though definitely not the one I went to previously. Only you can say what category you fall into right now.

 

Try not to brand yourself as "crazy" even though I have a hard time taking my own advice on that one. Society still stigmatizes those of us with non-optimal neurotransmitter function, even though most of us work very hard to cope with our suffering and contribute to the world.  Those whose bodies function differently than ours can never fully understand how difficult it is for some of us just to get dressed and eat a ca ndy bar, let alone be "fully functional" whatever that means.  However, the fact that you were able to write a quite coherent, detailed post here despite your current confusion tells me that you are smart and have a great deal to offer the world.   Try to give yourself a lot of credit for fighting the good fight.

 

I would go on but I REALLY need to go to bed as my sleep cycles are horrible and I'm trying to get better.  I would just say for sure, go to your Pdoc asap, tell him/her what your loved ones are observing and how you feel.  Remember to print this all out and take it with you.  And do use this online community for support.  I post very infrequently, but I have read and learned a great deal here.  In the end, we have to take charge of our mental health care, and we can only do that when we are well informed enough to work proactively with our pdocs, etc.

 

Take care, and remember you are NOT alone.

Thank you, I just wanted to let you know I posted my last post before I saw yours pop up. You are right about crazy, I'm really the only one throwing that word around in my life. My husband just refers to my issues as a result of being ill. I guess the word crazy implies a, sinister and negative twist to what is going on.

 

I don't know if I will hurt myself or not. Right now, mood states can hit me like a bullet it seems, one moment I'm fine the next you'd think I'd just lived 6 months of depression smashed into mania smashed into rage in the space of a few seconds. Seroqel keeps tabs on this in that it can reign it in to some extent, most of the time. 

 

Ugh, it feels weird to write this, like I'm not writing about myself and am talking about someone else.

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((((hugs)))) santalto x

:(

 

*  a thought popped into my brain when I just re-read your last post. Not to sound condescending, but have you ask him what it is about you/your behaviour at present that is causing his alarm?

Yes, he said I'm not acting like myself. That he is scared because he never knows what is going to set me off. That I explode and he doesn't know why or how it happened and he doesn't know how to stop it or prevent it anymore. it's too unpredictable for him and he feels worn out and tired. He keeps insisting it's not my fault though because I get guilty and say sorry and how bad I feel about it. But everyone around me tells me not to, so that helps a little. I kind of told him some of the things I'm thinking and the things I write about today. It felt like I was paralysed trying to describe them. Like I couldn't open my mouth and make a speaking action to express these thoughts without great strain. I physically felt unable, but I managed to some extent... a small extent. I asked him to go with me into the doctors appt tomorrow, which will make me less likely to lie. I always tell people i'm fine because I don't feel like I merit the attention or care. I can't connect me... my life... with the idea of serious illness. okay, that's the end of my ramble. 

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((((hugs)))) santalto x

:(

 

*  a thought popped into my brain when I just re-read your last post. Not to sound condescending, but have you ask him what it is about you/your behaviour at present that is causing his alarm?

Yes, he said I'm not acting like myself. That he is scared because he never knows what is going to set me off. That I explode and he doesn't know why or how it happened and he doesn't know how to stop it or prevent it anymore. it's too unpredictable for him and he feels worn out and tired. He keeps insisting it's not my fault though because I get guilty and say sorry and how bad I feel about it. But everyone around me tells me not to, so that helps a little. I kind of told him some of the things I'm thinking and the things I write about today. It felt like I was paralysed trying to describe them. Like I couldn't open my mouth and make a speaking action to express these thoughts without great strain. I physically felt unable, but I managed to some extent... a small extent. I asked him to go with me into the doctors appt tomorrow, which will make me less likely to lie. I always tell people i'm fine because I don't feel like I merit the attention or care. I can't connect me... my life... with the idea of serious illness. okay, that's the end of my ramble. 

 

 

Firstly- I admire your honesty here. I just want to give you a great big hug!

Secondly- I am VERY glad you get to see you DR tomorrow and that hubby is going with you. That is good :)

Thirdly- please never feel you are rambling here. This board is here for the very reason of us all affected my MI to be able to express ourselves and get support/offer support. It is ok for you to vent here always xx

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I'm also glad to read that you're taking your husband into your appointment tomorrow.  Please also consider printing out your post.  I understand what you mean about feeling you "don't merit the attention or care", as I struggle with that too.  It's a tough thing to work through, but please trust us when we say you do deserve it.  Take care of yourself, and let us know how things go.

 

====

PS miss-e, we're not that big on the cyber hug thing here at CB... I'm completely sure you're posting them from a well-meaning place, but since you're also new here I thought you should know that they're not always going to be easily, well or non-cynically received.

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Hello all from a fellow bipolar. who is in urgent need of advice from other bipolars...

 

this is long, but please take time to read it, my thoughts are hard to express in a clear way right now. I did the best I could. I really need advice.

 

First off, I'll sum this up. I don't feel crazy and I can't understand why people are telling me I'm not acting normally. This is all coming from my husband. I have to establish very clearly that he is a calm, level headed, patient man who has been only a blessing for me since the day we met. Right now he is very worried about me but I don't understand why, as much as he tells me things.

 

Here is my history...

 

I am diagnosed as having bipolar 1. In the past few years, I suffer almost exclusively with mixed episodes on the psychotic side of things. This usual manifests as a sandwich of rage/love/despair/gratefulness/hopelessness/intense optimism/laughter/crying/suicidal all at once. That and I start getting delusions and auditory hallucinations.

 

I've dealt with this illness for 11 years so I am pretty aware of warning signs and symptoms that require help. I'm 100% compliant to pills and counselling. Right now I don't feel in the throws of my usual mixed episodes and I don't feel a danger to myself so long as I am not in a situation where I am alone. I can't be alone because that does make things crazy.

 

The reason I am writing is that right now I have this weird split going on. I sort of know something is very wrong based on the reactions of my husband and my friend. He is so worried and overwhelmed by something and he is so level headed and keeps his calm almost ALL the time... but he just blew yesterday. He just kept saying "I don't know what to do!"

 

According to others I'm acting strangely I think... I say I think because I don't know what it is I'm doing. Honest to God, everything seems normal to me. I have some kinda intense secretive beliefs going on about my existence and what I do, but I just can't think of them as being harmful to anyone, or why it should be so upsetting that I am enjoying being inspired. I don't see the alone thing being an issue because people are in close proximity to me all the time, at least for a few more months and I should be better by then if I need to be better.

 

I will say I get hysterical a lot lately over small things. I am not "well". But there has never been a point my history that anything has been fully effective in treatment. I can function, but only at a base level (no job, low stress environment). Right now I stop getting hysterical by repeating to myself "this isn't real" or writing that a lot. It helps me calm down, so I see nothing wrong about a coping mechanism.

 

I can't get much out of my husband that I can understand. 

 

I am seeing my doctor soon, my psychiatrist, and counsellor. I don't know what I should do though? I'm taking massive seroqel doses so my head is blurry a bit, and that makes it even harder to think or what to do. I sleep normally, but it has never been sleep deprivation that triggered my manic episodes, and I guess they are severe. It feels like someone sneezing 100 miles away can be a trigger for my episodes, they are so sensitive to EVERYTHING.

 

Anyway, Is the whole definition of crazy dependant on a person not thinking or believing themselves to be so?

 

Should I be in a hospital? 

 

I'm only a danger when I'm alone, I've come to realise this for now. But when my husband is here I feel okay. Maybe it's unfair to ask this much of everyone around me 24/7...  

 

I'm rambling... just help me understand some things if you can. Someone?

 

Thanks in advance. I'm very confused

 

 

I don't know if you should be in hospital, probably only you or a dr can answer that.  I do know that you sound just like me before I went off the rails and then after medication realized that what I thought was okay and normal, wasn't at all.  I think I'd probably call my pdoc's emergency number if I felt like you do.  

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On one hand, you say you are having sectret thoughts that don;t impact anything around you, you have your hysterical/emotional outsbursts under control and you have no idea why your normal is being seen as a threat

 

AND

 

You are aying that you are very sensitive to triggers starting mood episodes, you are a 'danger' (what do you mean by that) and usually calm hub is at his wits end. Which is true?

 

If you have lost some insight into an episode building or you're not able to see why your inner state might be manifesting differently to those around you, then it's a good idea to get some help. If hub takes you to see a doctor and then it turns out there is nothing new to treat, you've not lost anything. I'm confused as to how you can be a danger and also be calm, how you can be 'hysterical' but manage that totally fine, have secret thoughts about your existence but be clear headed....it doesn;t sound coherent.

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On one hand, you say you are having sectret thoughts that don;t impact anything around you, you have your hysterical/emotional outsbursts under control and you have no idea why your normal is being seen as a threat

 

AND

 

You are aying that you are very sensitive to triggers starting mood episodes, you are a 'danger' (what do you mean by that) and usually calm hub is at his wits end. Which is true?

 

If you have lost some insight into an episode building or you're not able to see why your inner state might be manifesting differently to those around you, then it's a good idea to get some help. If hub takes you to see a doctor and then it turns out there is nothing new to treat, you've not lost anything. I'm confused as to how you can be a danger and also be calm, how you can be 'hysterical' but manage that totally fine, have secret thoughts about your existence but be clear headed....it doesn;t sound coherent.

I am split in ways. Part of me is saying all is okay, I am not an emergency case. I have a good life, I don't have debts or arrests or homelessness and I don't touch alcohol and have never had substance abuse issues. I grew up in a family where those kind of things were rampant in many of the people around me, so I kind of learned early on what is a bad life and what is one I should be glad for. I was never encouraged to complain unless it was along the the lines of I've been arrested and am being held by the state in a hospital for trying to kill myself and my family... help was  a thing my brothers and sisters had the privilege to ask for, not me. That is why I internalise almost everything and for the most part I am good at it.. mostly. The past few years have been hard on me in terms of being able to keep my mind-life separate from my living-life. I take my pills, I see my therapist, I make a point of never checking off anything on the "my family did it so don't do it" list. 

 

It upsets my family here that I don't want to ask for help or won't be truthful a lot of the time, but at the same time they are stable, level headed people with pretty stable level headed pasts. They haven't observed much in the way of critical emergencies and bad decisions leading to devastation.

 

I just don't feel like I can make a case of myself to people because I don't fit any of the criteria in regards to the hell many of my relatives lived and still live through. There is literally nothing bad about my life now except for my head. It's just hard to go to the doctor with what is a pretty lucky existence, and ask for attention and help. 

 

But then there is the part of me that is saying my head is broken right now and I need to fix it. It doesn't matter if I have a "nice life", if I had a heart attack would I hesitate to fix that just because I have little to complain about? 

 

I really am confused because the system that holds me together isn't really working and I don't know what to do in that situation. It's hard after being told most your life that you can't complain, to openly come out and say hey things aren't great. I hate putting a burden on other people no matter how much they tell me I am not one. 

 

I guess I'll know more later today, I can't lie, but this is hard for me to digest. I just feel whiny and pathetic demanding such time from these people when there are people who are so desperate out there who might need the help more than I do. 

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I'm glad your husband is going to see your pdoc with you.  It's too tempting to say everything is fine, when it really isn't.  I have to consciously force myself to tell the pdoc what's going on, because invariably on the day I see him I'm in a good mood, and he doesn't know about how many days in a row I didn't get out of my p.j.s, etc.  So I make myself tell him, even though I feel like a complete failure when I do.  But I keep reminding myself that he wants to help me, and that's why he became a doctor in the first place.

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I know what you mean about it being scary that your husband needed time to clear his head.  My husband is my main support and I see how hard it is on him.  Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in that.

 

I also think its great the your husband is going with you to your appointment.  It will be valuable for both of you.  It never hurts to have an extra pair of ears listening as well as someone that can describe your behavior and mood.

 

I hope all goes well.

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I'm glad your husband is going to see your pdoc with you.  It's too tempting to say everything is fine, when it really isn't.  I have to consciously force myself to tell the pdoc what's going on, because invariably on the day I see him I'm in a good mood, and he doesn't know about how many days in a row I didn't get out of my p.j.s, etc.  So I make myself tell him, even though I feel like a complete failure when I do.  But I keep reminding myself that he wants to help me, and that's why he became a doctor in the first place.

I think things will go better after this appointment and maybe I can start processing what is going on a bit better. They are going to change my meds, that much I do know.

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I know what you mean about it being scary that your husband needed time to clear his head.  My husband is my main support and I see how hard it is on him.  Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in that.

 

I also think its great the your husband is going with you to your appointment.  It will be valuable for both of you.  It never hurts to have an extra pair of ears listening as well as someone that can describe your behavior and mood.

 

I hope all goes well.

Thanks, I am glad to have the appointment period this morning. I am feeling a bit annoyed about how I seem to constantly talk about my husband here. I am going to make a concerted effort to shut up about it though. I just don't talk with other people all that much so I never think much about how to address and talk about my life which is spent 90% int he company of my dearest friend/partner. That takes a bit of time disconnecting from mentally. hehe

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I don't see why you should worry about talking about anyone important to you too much. Your husband is your main source of emotional support, and *something* is going wrong, even if you can't put your finger on it. Your husband is the one who has all the information, practically. And the fact he needed a break shows he is also a gauge as to how crazy you are.

 

And I talk about my husband way too much on here. Ask anyone. And no one tells me not to.

 

Also, I am uncomfortable with the implication that "crazy" is a bad word. The board is called "Crazyboards," after all. This board isn't your average support site for the MI. Someone who objects to the word "crazy" is going to have a rough time of it here.

 

I hope your pdoc appt. is fruitful.

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