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Another rejection that has my wheels turning

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I asked a girl out last Saturday.  This was over the phone.  She told me that she had to think about it and would get back to me on Monday.  Much of monday went by and I didn't here from her, so I sent a text saying, "you were going to get back to me today?"  She said in response that she wanted to talk to me in person about it, so we met Tuesday morning.  She said she really wasn't interested in a relationship.  She did say that she thought we were similar people and would not mind hanging out with me more, but that may have partly been to soften the rejection.


Thus, I didn't feel so bad immediately after the rejection, but my wheels got turning and I began to wonder why I was rejected the nine out of ten times I've asked girls out. I feel really bad about this, and can't help but think that I'm just not an appealing person. I think I'm fairly physically attractive, but that almost makes it worse, do I really have that -insert negative adjective here- of a personality? I had been friends with this girl for a while and I thought she liked me and was sort of hoping that a relationship would develop naturally out of our friendship, since we have so many things in common. I suppose in the long run, its a good thing I asked sooner... 

My chest hurts from all the self hatred this event has triggered. I don't know what is wrong with me, my taste in women, or simply what I am lacking that makes my experience with relationships so limited. 

I also don't feel like I can get the support I need from my family or friends when things like this happens. Nobody seems to understand or be sympathetic to just how much this hurts me, nobody I've talked to yet has any magic words to make me feel better.  I really wish I knew why I am so consistently friend zoned or rejected altogether.  


I can't seem to do anything at the moment.

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I know this might not ease the pain and I am a pretty blunt person, but it really could be a number of reasons. And everyone is picky about who they allow themselves to get emotionally close to someone in the romantic way. Maybe I am just speaking for myself but not every girl wants to date every guys she gets along with.  So out of all the guys that show an interest in my 1 out of let say 6 guys I will want to see if something could become of it. I think you need to not have such a black and white.. narrow view of the situation. I would just accept it and move in (I know not the most endearing things to say but it's reality.) All the guys I may like only a small few like me back and I think I am pretty attractive. I just don't think you should let it get to you.... think about it how many out of those 10 were u really really interested in. Most likely not all 10. And maybe you were throwing out too wide of a net.


But, really look at it logically most people do not date a whole lot and when they do choose to try to take the energy to be with someone it is the few in between. I would just stay friends with her and move on. And you yourself be more selective. :D


The way you presented it was more like your ego was hurt.


I hope this at least help you to accept the fact even though I am not the most smooth person to deliver the facts.

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First of, I can see how painful this is and why.


The thing is, there no objective measure of what makes you attractive to everybody. Your attractiveness is not a static thing you can create and then offer to everyone and get a guaranteed result. Basically, every person you meet will have that sparky potential to find you attractive. Some will, some won't. And not because you look bad or are a boring guy. I went on a date with a fantastically funny attractive guy and we really clicked. Sadly he looked a lot like someone who brought back very bad memories for me and I couldn't get over that enough to date him. Nothing to do with him. I have online dated a fair bit and I was the type of woman to ask guys on dates so yes, I sent emails that got no response, or rejection. I met guys who I didn't click with. I met guys I seemed to click with but we wanted totally different things. 


The guys I fell for ten years ago I wouldn't fall for now. I met a guy a few months ago who was weak at the knees for, but would be a total disaster if I had the freedom to date him. I have known that someone I get on with as a friend may not have the right personality to make the partner I wanted. In fact I have a good guy friend who finds me attractive, who I find attractive but we have horribly incompatible personalities in romantic terms. I love to spend a day with him as a friend, he feels the same. But just because we socialize and can imagine being naked, doesn't mean I dated him. And he gets that and doesn't feel like I led him on and or my friendship is null and void because I don't want to be his girlfriend. It's just not that XYZ linear process.


There are things you can do to enhance how attractive you are; experience new things, work on your social skills, mix widely with people, take care of your body and your mind; all things you should do whether or not they will get you laid. If life becomes defined by not having a girlfriend or just doing whatever it takes to get one, then you become a one dimensional person and it's impossible to see if a girl has any chemistry with you, because yopu are all about getting a girlfriend. A girlfriend is a person, not an object or a right. You can't just summon one by being hot or nice to girls. It happens, but not on your terms, or hers, but because it happens and you both feel brave enough to take it forward.


What just happened seem to be, you met a friend, you noticed she was attractive, you felt like you had a connection and hoped she might want to date. So far, no assumptions made, you chanced an offer, she thoughtfully declined. No one died or was rejected in a cruel way. Yes, it sucks that she didn't share your attraction but not everyone you meet on a friends level will want to take it further. Maybe she is attracted to you but has other reasons for not dating you.


As for not having anything to offer, what is it you are supposed to 'offer'? I am with my boyfriend because we are attracted to each other, we get on and we like the same things. We want to have sex, we like kissing, we like each others friends, it's a totally mutual thing. He didn't say 'here, I can offer you money and affection and my time' and I didn't say 'I can offer you blowjobs and hugs and being nice to your mom' and we made a cool calm business deal. He isn't a product, neither are you. Or any future girlfriends. It might interest you to know that my boyfriend can't work and doesn't drive, has major health issues and seems on paper to have little to offer a girl like me.


Dating is about two people being real and seeing that a spark appears on it's own. They either take a chance and date so they can see where it goes, or more often, one or the other person can't/doesn't want to date, or the spark is not there. And that is true of Brad Pitt, Trent Reznor, Mark Zuckerberg, Megan Fox, Sharon Stone, anyone you care to idolize. Felicia Day has probably been rejected, from the geeks to the gods, everyone is in the same situation. Some people are really good looking or rich and people mistake that for the presence of a spark, but it doesn't mean they don't get rejected and people use them for affection. In that sense, you're wasting time trying to capture whatever it is they have and you don't. You can only be you. You want to be loved for you, not the person you emulate.


Be yourself. Not because you can't be Brad Pitt or because you want a woman to pity you and date you. Don't be yourself because you figure you have nothing to offer. Be yourself because you like yourself, as much as you have issues, you also have stuff that creates sparks. Be interested in what interests you, talk to girls even if the spark doesn't appear, see the movies and go to the parties you are afraid to go to alone and be yourself. You have no way of knowing who or when that person will appear so get on with with living your life on your terms rather than pretending to be someone else or hating yourself. I guarantee you every female friend I have, from the supermodel pretty to the fiercely smart to the kind and sweet has cried to me the same thing 'what do I have to offer a guy, why would anyone date me?'


The answer is 'because you like yourself and you are you.'

Edited by Titania
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