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Hello,

So, i wanted to write this mostly because i cant control my mind at the moment, because maybe someone relates and I had this exact problem about half an hour ago.

Ive been with my partner for almost 4 years now, good going considering we started dating not long before i attempted to 'end it all' for the first time. But she stuck by me, and here we are.

But the thing is, i relapse a lot, and i get extreme depression moments, and then high moments, but every-time I go through these feelings i am so disconnected and depressed, self harming and not being able to move or think.

She sits with me and she says the right thing, but i hate it, i feel like she despises me for it, and that makes me feel so bad. It can get to the point after a week of mental torture for me that i think id be making her life better if i wasn't there or if we broke up. I try to explain my thoughts to her, but i cant seem to get the words out and she says its fine whenever i start but i don't know.

Is this wrong for me to think that? Should i trust that she just wants me happy?

Does anyone feel similar?

Am i just wasting a forum space? (Apologies if the answer is yes)

Edited by RawrMattichu
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Is this wrong for me to think that? No, but logically; yes.

Should i trust that she just wants me happy? yes
Does anyone feel similar? Yes I have felt this way in non-romantic relationships and non-serious romantic ones. It's usually ends up being the arrow in the Achilles.  
Am i just wasting a forum space? (Apologies if the answer is yes) Nope

 

My answer to all this do not assume what she has not said.. mostly everyone I think would hate that. No one wants someone to decide on how they think or feel without their input. So I say whenever this thought comes up remind yourself "you do not know this for sure. And let her communicate this and decide this on her own not yours." -IF IN DOUBT ASK; DO NOT ASSUME-

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When I'm not doing well I feel like my partner would be better off without me and with a normal person - in fact, I can be slightly suicidal about it in a 'he'll be able to move on with his life' way. 

 

But the thing is, and we talk about this - he loves me.  My crazy is worth it for him.  He wants to be with me, even though I'm crazy.

 

I think we can have low self-esteem related to mental health, and push that onto the relationship, even though the person we're with may not see us or the relationship that way but instead value it and us. 

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CherryBlossom- "It's usually ends up being the arrow in the Achilles."

Hmm, that fills me with confidence.

"you do not know this for sure. And let her communicate this and decide this on her own not yours." -IF IN DOUBT ASK; DO NOT ASSUME-" I hadn't though of that though, thats a really good point. Thank-you, i shall try to remember that.

Jarn- yes, i think i definitely impose low self-esteem and trust issues into the relationship. Thank-you for your reply, i do want to believe her like i can see you do to your partner, i guess its just ME that isnt quite right.

Edited by RawrMattichu
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I feel this too.

 

It's great to have a supportive partner who can remind you that they chose you ad still do choose you. But ultimately, this is about you and your opinion of yourself. Your partner could pipe affirmations into your ear 24/7 and nothing they say would stick because it's not about them, it's about you. 

 

When you say to your partner 'You shouldn't have to put with this, you deserve better' you are saying:

 

You think you love me but you don't.

You don't know my evil inner core. You are naive if you think I will get better. You just haven't had enough of my shit yet.

 

You aren't capable of knowing your own mind. Your love for me is mistaken. I know better than you what you want and need. All the work you put into being with me is a waste of time because no matter how strong your commitment is to me, you're wrong.

 

I don't value your love for me because I don't trust it, I don't trust you to know your own mind.

 

I'm more concerned with my own guilt about my actions than I am about develping faith that you love me for a good reason, even if I can't see that good reason.

 

You're an idiot to stick with me. And I know that you will leave me one day, no matter what you think.

 

How did it make you feel to read those lines? Because it makes most partners feel demoralized, untrusted, unappreciated and hopeless. Yes, it is hard to support someone who is in pain, it is hard to face staying with someone who may never get better. But someone who can look all that horribleness in the eye and still love you, not in spite of your shitty deal in life but because you are you, that is a powerful thing.

 

And pouring that kind of poison onto a love like that will erode at it. The days when you hang in there making your loved ones bed and listening to their crazy and cooking for them, they are hard. If after a hard day of your heart hurting to see them suffer, all that poison is poured on top, it will make that person feel hopeless. And it's that which will erode what you have. You're not doing it deliberately, maybe pouring on the poison is your way of giving your partner a get out clause and taking about your guilt. Which it is okay to feel, guilt is okay. But th way you talk is not helping.

 

The good news is, you can see that this is your issue, your thoughts. And you can work with your thoughts and deal with them in ways that don't mean putting the burden on your partner to fight through them for you. If your partner says she wants to stay and be with you, let her. You don't have to feel good about it. But you can get some therapy and some way of expressing these thoughts. You can tolerate letting her care for you and seeing that she means it. You can say 'all that poison stuff about you not loving me and staying with me is whirling through my head again, I know it's not true but it feels scary, can I have a hug?' and you two can beat those thoughts together.

 

If you love her, find ways to show her. Don't argue about your worth, just find ways to show her that you trust her and you know that if she is going to fight with you, you can trust her that she is wise to do that.

Edited by Titania
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Titania - Thankyou for your reply. It really hit home, and yes I did struggle to read the bit in bold, purely because it hurt to think that i could possbly be doing something like that.

I dont normally say things like she shouldnt be with me etc etc, i usually just smile or hug her or cry more (cos im normally crying when i hit a low, how manly!) but i really dont want her to think any of that.

Something i told her a while ago, which ive remembered this morning, is that when i almost got sectioned, i told her mum and her that she shouldnt stay with me just because shes scared ill do something if she leaves. And this was said to her a few more times by her mum i know. But she is still here, and i did get better.

So i think for now im going to try really hard to be that perfect person, even though i cant cope with my thoughts? I dont know, but if she feels anything like how you described Titania i would hate myself for making her feel like that.

So thanks for the scare i guess.

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You don't have to be a "perfect person."  All of us have huge flaws.  I think what you should try to focus on is seeing yourself as a good person, a kind one, a loving one.  You want to be a person who deserves love.

 

We all deserve love, and nobody is perfect.

 

olga

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I wasn't trying to scare or shame you. I was more trying to communicate that what you are trying to do for your partner by warning her off will create problems for you both. I know that's not the intent, sometimes I lack the insight to see that I am pushing my boyfriend away when I say things like to him (which I can do, when I am sick) I agree with Olga, you do not need to be perfect or 100% well all the time to be loved for who you are.

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I did something similar yesterday. Immediately I could see his heart break and I know I said something wrong (I'm ashamed so I'm not going to repeat it). But I don't know how to fix it.

I think that ultimately we do need to trust that they are adults and that they are making a grown up, informed, choice to stay with us. They are perfectly capable of weighing the risks and balances and they have still decided to stay with us. So, given that they are grown ups, we just need to respect their choices. Even if they make no sense to us.

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I suspected it wasn't a scare tactic -Titania- but thats what it did. And I don't blame you or want you to feel like you shouldn't have said it, because if anything, a deliberate scare is probably what i needed. I did talk to her today, walked to her work and chatted with her, and she understands. She always does, but now she knows how i feel about it too, and how it affects me.

-Rosie- "Even if they make no sense to us" this made me laugh, but your point is good, i wouldn't want to be treated like an adult that couldn't make my own choices and decisions.

I hope you can work it out with your partner, it sucks, i know, and im sorry for ya.

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