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I'm not sure this belongs here. Or anywhere. Just how I'm feeling


Woody
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I haven't eating more than a mouthful in three days. I feel full. I've an urge to self harm, I haven't had this urge in months. I feel stuck I don't want to go forward I want to go back. I feel like crying but can't. Logic is telling me to eat, telling me to sleep another part a stronger part for now is stoping me. All focus is gone. I stand alone in no mans land. The world flies by far away. I wonder how I'm back here again and why. I'm floating in a fog of inevitable failure. Faintly floating waiting for something to hit. Fear of not knowing what is to come next.

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You can go in whatever direction you want to go. If you need to go 'backward' a bit to rest and regroup, that is okay. You're not letting anyone down by being honest and asking for help.

 

Going in the direction of comfort and support and validation doesn't automatically mean a step backwards and you don't have to restrict food or self harm to get that. I can see why self harm or starving yourself might make sense in an attempt to figure this out. But it's okay to not know what is coming next and be afraid. If things have gone wrong lately or you feel yourself slipping somewhere you don't want to return, that is a scary.

 

Is there someone you do trust to accept the way you feel and hear you talk about it?I feel like we need an ally against the stronger bit of you that forbids sleep or food. Sleep and food are really important factors in changing how this feels, it's going to be harder to deal with this if you are hungry and tired.

Edited by Titania
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Thanks for the reply Titania, Im not sure if I know how to ask for help anymore. Ive always been quiet straightforward and sometimes too honest when talking about how i feel with docs and people like that. thats kinda what I use to keep the core me strong except its not really working so well anymore. its like I talk openiy about not eating and urges to do things i shouldnt do and in a way i think maybe cause i'm too open about it it kinda think people think oh shes strong enough to deal with it cause shes not keeping it secret.. if that makes sense. But im not so sure I am strong enough to deal with it. Im tellling and telling cause I want someone to actually hear me and help but maybe i have it wrong maybe if i kept quiet and let it all get worse and then it exploded out that the only way people will hear me, that doesnt seem very logical though but ive realised lots of things arent logical and dont make sense but still happen. its confusing. its like im gonna have to get to crisis point where im just about to fall off the edge for anyone to really help. Im not sure if I'm making much sense, maybe its that i have to help me and I do try, Im trying but that other part of me is so strong and sometimes I think maybe it would be easier to just let that part take complete control and core me, real me would be gone. But easier doesnt normally work out being the wise disison. I got find a way to fight back I just dont know how to begin. I dunno, sorry not making much sense.  

RawrMattichu. I Hope this feeling passes soon for you. 

 
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Is there someone you do trust to accept the way you feel and hear you talk about it?

Im seeing my pdoc in 3 days havent seen her in months, ive gone through quiet a few and shes definitly the best. I just hope Im able to tell her, sometimes I do this thing where I have every intention of telling her the truth but then when i try my words don't work and I tell her Im fine, Sometimes she sees through this. I hope it doesn't happen or I hope she sees through it.  

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