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Girls, why do u do this?


hairymonkey13
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This is not going to end well.

It's not a gender thing.

People that do that are sometimes assholes / sometimes socially awkward or unable to think of an friendly way to end contact.

 

In most circumstances it's not for 'fun'. The fake number thing might be that they are too shy to say no at the time and can't think of any way out of it. Not saying it's right, but that's what I've heard PEOPLE say, I know a fair few guys that are equally guilty of this.

 

As for being friends. How is being friends luring you in? Is it not okay to have friends? Sometimes you don't romantically click with someone, and that's okay and normal. Doesn't mean you don't want to have a friendship with them. 

 

Cutting someone off, not cool. But again, sometimes people don't know how to verbalise that the relationship is not going well.

 

If you get some kind of vibe from someone that this is happening then don't persue it. Wasted energy on behalf of everyone. 

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Can't it just be "getting to know someone well enough to decide if you really want to get to know them properly?"

As in "Before you find your handsome prince you may have to kiss quite a few toads."

I'd suggest it's perfectly reasonable if both parties understand what's going on. 

Otherwise it can get confusing and hurtful, with mismatched perceptions and understandings.

 

Me, I understood this late, and am still trailing behind those with a natural aptitude for reading social nuances and coded social language.

 

This doesn't exclude the possibility of a male or female being unthinking or careless in this area, picking up and putting down people as though they were interesting *objects* that one might want to keep, if still interesting on closer inspection.

 

Chris

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I guess it depends on the person. I have always been nice to new people as a general rule, and sometimes it seems to give them the wrong idea. (I just want to be friends; they start asking for more.) so then when they start seeming to want something "more" from me, I don't know what to do and so I just ignore them and hope they will go away. I am, of course, only one girl, so I don't speak for anybody else. if I am not close to a person (just acquaintances, not close friends), I don't see why it should matter to them if I just drop off the face of the earth anyway.

 

ETA: even if they don't try to take things into the more-than-friends zone, friends/acquaintances who want to contact me a lot or do a lot of things together also wear me out. so if someone sends a lot of text messages or whatever, I might text back every once and awhile or want to hang out on rare occasions, but my idea of friendship is definitely not spending time with a person every week, let alone every day. kind of....social laziness I guess.

Edited by starship_subaru
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I'm not female, but I've done this. Anxiety often makes me bite off more than I can chew, and it doesn't help when it often feels like people come on too strong and are in my face. I don't pretend it's cool or okay. I have hurt people, and I'm working on ways not to do it. It's anxiety and PD in my case. Maybe in some cases it's that so many people are conditioned to go along to get along, not make waves, etc. Women are unfortunately often the victims of this kind of bullshit social conditioning.

 

Of course, there are a couple of other things here, too:

 

One, generalizing isn't going to win you any friends. I can't be sure of course, but I would feel safe in thinking that most people would prefer not to be pigeonholed, or have words put in their mouths/actions characterized by someone who doesn't know them that well.

 

Two, people aren't clockwork creatures, each built alike. Approaching it that way is going to get you ditched again and again. People can sense when you don't respect them.

 

Three, acting the victim here isn't good for your approach socially, either. You will almost certainly have better luck if you approach it as an exchange between equals, which (surprise!) is what it is. You don't owe it to anyone to be their friend, do you? Therefore, that's the same for them. They don't owe it to you, either.

 

Edited for content and comma mistakes

Edited by Mim
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Hard to say, since I'm not an asshole. I would imagine someone would give a fake number to avoid saying they didn't want to talk/hang out to your face. "most girls?" You aren't likely to get a good response, generalizing women like that.

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I don't think that's exclusively women who do that, I've had my fair share of men do that to me. I think perhaps you need to change your outlook on women being out to fuck you over and realize that it's just individuals, gender has nothing to do with it.

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It is possible that the people you are talking about 

 

- are generally friendly towards everyone they don't know very well because that's just how they are/they think it's polite and it is not necessarily an indication that they want to strike up a friendship or date you

 

or 

 

- they are not comfortable with rejecting someone in person, which could be for any one of lots of reasons.

 

This could be because they think they will be asked to explain themselves, or they have been intimidated after rejecting a person in the past and do not feel safe doing so in person or even because they don't want you to lose face or feel humiliated in a public place.

 

The person could then be too embarrassed to phone you later and explain that they're not interested or think that you wouldn't appreciate such a call and that they'd communicate the same thing as well by not calling. Or perhaps they are careless or forgetful.

 

People are different. They have different values and experiences and motivations. This includes women and girls.

 

As for why they would want to reject you in the first place, well, that's a whole other question.

 

 

Edited for punctuation.

Edited by Squish
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I'm on the "both genders do this shit" side of the argument.

 

I USED to give out fake numbers and lie and say I have a boyfriend. I was not believed. I had one fake phone number memorized because they would occasionally ask me to repeat it to make certain it was my real number.

 

I was VERY socially awkward and saying "I'm just not interested" or "You aren't my type" seemed harsh to me, honestly and it would also put me in an awkward situation. Didn't seem like something I wanted to do. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings at all. I've said I'd call guys I never called.

 

This was all 10-13 years ago, between 15 and 18 and since then I've been in a relationship so now I'd just say I had a boyfriend and, yeah not gonna happen.

 

So, A. awkward situation and B. Hate to hurt people's feelings. Don't need to see that happening. 

 

that being said, I don't know what a "right" way to reject someone is, but I agree that this isn't it.

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Yeah I have definitely had my share of men doing this to me so it is both sexes.  It actually JUST happened to me and I've been trying to figure out why, been blaming myself but, you know what, it's probably him for whatever reason, anxiety, he's just an asshole, whatever.  No matter, no one deserves it, really.  

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I doubt that it would be anyone's idea of fun.

And although not having a lot of faith/trust in people, in general... I'd question the whole "most girls" notion.

I haven't been in the "dating scene" in like... forever (well, actually.. maybe even literally forever) so I don't really know the rules and practices of that whole thing.

I'm sorry you've been hurt like that but whatever reasons the girls have had, I would still suggest that you try to stay away from such generalizations, and try to treat and respect women as equals, like already mentioned above.

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I don't think it's just girls, i have had guys in bars come up to me, ask for my number and then never call, I've had guys ring me wanting sex, and because i haven't felt like it at the time, they never sent me messages again.

 

Sometimes when girls are together and drunk and bored they sometimes like to have a bit of fun and flirt with guys, and there is nothing wrong with that, sometimes the girl isn't single and is ok flirting and taking numbers but then gets their conscious back

the next day.

 

Maybe they didn't really want to give you their number but felt pressured into it. I sometime used to give a fake number if i didn't find the guy attractive, and a few men really wanted to have sex and would stand next to me and call the number i had just given them, it used to really creep me out, and i would defiantly never call them again.

 

I was Surprised one day when i watched Friends that as soon as a woman talks to a guy, they automatically think that the woman wants to have sex with them, i can't remember what episode it was, but as a young woman i would be horrified to find that just because i was talking to a man in any situation they thought i would be up for sleeping with them. Maybe you are expecting to much from woman, it's hard to tell without knowing you, but i have seen SOME men who think woman are just there to be persuaded into having sex with them.

Edited by neptunesky
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