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I don't think my relationship is codependent, based on what I've read, but...

 

I think I am very emotionally dependent on my partner.  I rely on him emotionally completely.

 

We have separate interests - I do stuff without him, he does stuff without me.  We have interests in common, and we support each other.  Our relationship is very healthy.

 

But I am reliant upon him mentally to keep me stable.  When I am nervous, or upset, he calms me down.  His presence alone is calming for me. 

 

Last week I had a delusion that I wasn't real, and even though other people were in touch with me I couldn't know for sure everything was okay and I was okay and real until he got in touch.  He had to be the one. 

 

I have therapy today, and am going to talk about this with my therapist. 

 

My partner does not rely on me emotionally (I do support him emotionally, but he's not as dependent that way).  He does rely on me financially, I pay the rent, the car, etc. 

 

But in many respects our relationship is incredibly healthy.  I'm just not sure if I'm over reliant on him.

 

Anyone else?

Edited by jarn
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I am the same way, exactly, with my partner.  

 

I have friends and stuff, but if I had to rely on them alone for support... well, I don't think that would work.

 

I am very dependent on my wife.  I have worried in the past about us being codependent, but like you we have separate interests and friends.  

 

I am so introverted and shy.  It takes me so long to get to know people. 

 

I really worry about what would happen to me if something happened to my wife or if we broke up.  

 

I wonder if your partner relies on you more than you realize emotionally.  I really would have a hard time believing he doesn't rely on you at all emotionally.  

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are in a relationship that helps you... We are social beings and need the help of others to survive.

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I do help him emotionally, and support him.  But he doesn't need me to tell him that he's real, he may look to me in a crisis, but I'm not the only person who could solve a crisis for him. 

 

Thanks for understanding. 

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I can relate. I am single right now, and it's very hard for me. I broke up with my ex because I realized that I have a codependent pattern in relationships that's not healthy.. Actually, I have qualities of a codependent as well as a sex addict.. Yay me :-/

Either way, I lose myself in the other person, my life revolves around them and my stability and sanity start to depend on them. I've realized though, after a couple of disastrous relationships, that this dynamic is unhealthy for me. I decided I be single for a while (even though I have constant urges to run back into a relationship) because I hope I can develop more of a sense of self without needing someone else to do it for me... We shall see, it's gonna be a lonely journey I think...

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I hope you can do that.

 

I talked about this with my therapist, and he doesn't think for us, that it is unhealthy.  My partner supports me emotionally, but I have other interests and friends outside of him that I'm involved in and don't rely on him at all points for that stuff.

 

It may just be that I'm comfortable enough with him to show him my crazy, and that's so freeing for me that I tell him ALL my crazy, which he is supportive about.  I support him in other ways, though he doesn't require the same level of emotional support that I do, we each do things for the other. 

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  • 1 year later...

I can relate. I am single right now, and it's very hard for me. I broke up with my ex because I realized that I have a codependent pattern in relationships that's not healthy.. Actually, I have qualities of a codependent as well as a sex addict.. Yay me :-/

Either way, I lose myself in the other person, my life revolves around them and my stability and sanity start to depend on them. I've realized though, after a couple of disastrous relationships, that this dynamic is unhealthy for me. I decided I be single for a while (even though I have constant urges to run back into a relationship) because I hope I can develop more of a sense of self without needing someone else to do it for me... We shall see, it's gonna be a lonely journey I think...

 

This, exactly, although I had no choice in the matter. 

I took a long time before I started to realize what it was with relationships that made me anxious. I think this is one of the main things. For me, the dependency shifts to friends now. I ask too much of them because somewhere along the road, I forgot to emotionally take care of myself so I learned to depend on others. I am aiming to become my own care-taker again because the dependency made me SICK.

 

It may just be that I'm comfortable enough with him to show him my crazy, and that's so freeing for me that I tell him ALL my crazy, which he is supportive about.  I support him in other ways, though he doesn't require the same level of emotional support that I do, we each do things for the other. 

 

I understand and I can relate to it. I hope you are doing better now.

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Hmm. I don't know, maybe we are codependent. Our lives are very constricted. My best friend is in the city, but most of my IRL friends are people I keep in touch with on Facebook. One of my best friends from college lives in Japan, for instance. Realistically, I'm never going to see him again. But I feel like we are still good friends because of Facebook. That's true with most of my friends.

 

I had friends in San Jose, and also keep in touch with them on Facebook. It is just so hard to get out with my headaches. I recently joined a bipolar meet up, so at least I am meeting new people.

 

I really, really rely on DH for emotional support, but he does me, too (and he does me, heh). His main friend in the area is my best friend, and his other friends are all internet friends.

 

We are both introverts. That makes socializing exhausting, especially with strangers. I think when DH gets his license back, he is going to start going to a Skeptics group we went to once. I got into a fight with the leader, because he thought it was okay for Mormons to baptize the graves of Jews who died in Auschwitz. He thought if I was a real atheist, I shouldn't care. But it's creepy, and disrespectful. Really disrespectful. DH wasn't involved in that argument, and had a good time. It's a really easy bus ride, but he hates public transportation after his ordeals with getting to work in San Jose.

 

So my point is, once DH gets his license, I think he will start going out and meeting people, and we will have separate interests again. Within the house, we spend a lot of time in different rooms; we're introverted enough that we need a lot of alone time.

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My husband got me through the nine month mania and subsequent two year depression that I had right after we got married, more or less single-handedly. He was the only person I felt safe around, the only person whose judgement I trusted when I knew I couldn't trust mine. The cost to him was terrible. As much as I was afraid to be alone, he was afraid to leave me alone, partly because he knew I was frequently suicidal, and pave up partly because he couldn't stand for me to be so sad. So he pretty much gave up all the things he loves to do, like going out to see bands, for the whole time I was or sick.

 

Probably the best thing that's come of my being on meds and being better is that he can have time to himself because I have friends now, and I can go out by myself so he gets privacy-I mean, for over two years he was basically never alone in the house. And he's like I am in that he's pretty introverted and likes a lot of private time to think and work on art (he's an artist).

 

But because for both of us our closest bonds are to each other, hands down, he is the only one who can really comfort me. i try to support him in every way I can, but he never had support growing up, so he's pretty quiet and self-sufficient emotionally.

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Well every now and then my husband brings up the codependency thing, but...I think we're good.  We rely on each in different ways.  Though, it's weird.  Yesterday was a holiday, and the pharmacy was open, and I needed more Pristiq.  He drove me there.

 

I can drive myself.  But we take it for granted that we will go together (and he generally drives when we drive together because he loves to drive, and I'm just agnostic).  

 

But, I like that he comes with me.  I like that I have him there, even in something as stupid as going to the pharmacy.  During the day when I'm at work, I'm independent - at night, or on weekends, I like him to be with me.  

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But, I like that he comes with me.  I like that I have him there, even in something as stupid as going to the pharmacy.  During the day when I'm at work, I'm independent - at night, or on weekends, I like him to be with me.  

That's not codependency---that's love.  Love is a Good Thing.

 

olga

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Jarn, that sounds good.

I think the only thing that sounds troubling is the 'I rely on him emotionally completely'. It's important to have the tools and skills to rely on yourself emotionally as well. If you can do that too I think you're good.

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what little i do know about you and yours looks very healthy to me.  my marriage is much the same as yours, i think.  my tdoc and pdoc have both sung praises about the health of our relationship, so i know we're not codependent - we just really prefer each other's company over anyone else.  we lean on each other in very different ways (and i do way more of the leaning), but neither of us are inclined to give up the roles we have developed over the years.  i guess i'm just okay with him being my best friend as well as my husband.  i think we're damned lucky in that respect, both you and i.

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I think there are different levels of emotional dependency. I agree with your therapist that you sound like you two are in a healthy relationship.

I think it is okay, and pretty normal to depend on someone for comfort and mental stability. I mean, I think that is what a lot of people look for in a relationship. Dependency is not a bad thing. Too much independence isn't a good thing. I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, I'm too independent, and I have learned that it is okay to be dependent on people for other things.

I do think that it is important to not be dependent on another person for your self worth.

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I depend on my bf to drive me around. I mean, I can get around if need be. I just accepted I probably won't be driving often in WI, so I'll be taking the bus. His parents always tell him I'm dependent and he'll say it sometimes when I ask. 

 

I am quite dependent on him in many ways in the sense that I ask him for constant reassurance, ask him to drive me and he takes a lot of my chores and feeds the cat. After months of therapy, he can now leave town for a few days without me losing it. I depend on him keeping me safe since he locks up things I can use to kill myself. One of the things I need reassurance on is making sure he's not mad at me. Ex. he goes to bed I stay in the living room "you're not mad at me?", ex. I take up drawing again "you're not mad at me?" ex. I decide to learn to drive "you're not mad that I won't be dependent on you anymore?" You'd swear I was in an abusive relationship with a controlling tyrant with my questions. 

 

I'm independent in the sense that I have a job. And I guess I'll prove my independence now that we'll be living apart. 

 

I wouldn't say I depend on him for socialization since I have no desire to have friends. 

 

He doesn't really depend on me much. He can drive himself around, feed himself, pay for himself, do his ADLs, he's a chill fairly neutral/happy guy and function without me. 

 

We do always stay in the same room, but granted we have a 1 bedroom. But we each do our own thing, I'm on my computer or drawing and he's playing video games or on his computer. I have this thing were I don't like being the first to go to bed so even if it's late and I'm tired because of meds, I will not go to bed without him. 

 

He was out of town for a day and a half and I slept on the futon. I can't be in bed without him and my cat is the same. I decided I'll take the bed to WI, but I'll sleep in the living room. 

 

Most of the time I don't think it's unhealthy. When I start thinking that I'll kill myself if we live apart because he's the only reason for living, then yeah it's unhealthy. There's been progress in the last year though, lots of progress. I.e. he can leave town without me crying hysterically and threatening to kill myself. 

Edited by iaawal
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