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Teacup

What happens when you call the cops after your husband hits you?

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Rosie has good advice.  The hard part was making the appointment.  When you come back from it tomorrow, we will all be here, cheering for you.  You can do it, teacup.

 

olga

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Go, Teacup. It isn't going to just magically stop. It sounds like it may be escalating.

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I went. I was freaking out just trying to find the place without getting lost. But I did it. I seen tdoc afterward. He is not far from the place.

I didn't really get a lot out of my visit to this domestic violence shelter. I met with a nice enough woman and answered a lot of questions and basically what we discussed is that it is never ok for anybody to hit another person. I already know this.

I agreed to come again next Friday to see her for counseling (before I see tdoc). I will have to ask my aunt to babysit. I may have to cancel though because I don't have $ to offer aunt to babysit. I can't ask husband for money he will ask questions. I'm on very limited funds. I already ask her to watch kids every Wednesday at 5:15 until husband picks them up at 5:45 in order for me to drive to my dbt class.

I hope my SSDI application was approved, today was the day they were supposed to have an answer. If I was not approved, I am screwed.

I'm not complaining, but I shell a lot of money towards therapy in general *sigh* and this would be life saving, literally, to allow me to continue all this counseling and therapy.

If I was working and not driving, I would never be able to attend these domestic violence counseling appointments. Time wise and independence wise. I do consider myself privileged somehow to be able to attend.

I told tdoc I still didn't get a chance to discuss a "safety plan" or a "what should I do if I decide to take action when he hits me again plan" today. He said we will discuss next time. This really bummed me since this was the whole point of me going out there.

Edited by Teacup
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I know how overwhelming it is. There is so much to think about and do. But you are strong, and you are doing it.

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I'm very glad you went to the appointment.

Thinking of you.

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Thanks for telling us about it, teacup.  I think it was a major achievement to make that connection.  I hope you can find the funds to pay your aunt for more babysitting so you can continue on your journey.

 

olga

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Generally they don't ask you to make a plan the first time you see them because as you know, people who are abused tend to be very empathetic people who are worried about their abuser.  She doesn't know that you have a great resource like CB encouraging you to get out so she wanted to start slowly.  If I were you, I might say that I wanted to get things planned out as quickly as possible because every time you leave the house it is pretty expensive for you in terms of effort and money.

 

I also want you to know that saying "if you call the police, they'll never believe you because you're crazy" is exactly what my abuser said too, and I've spent the last decade of my life wishing I had just called them.  I'm so so so glad you're making this effort, and I know how hard it is.  Good for you.

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...Keep us updated, and good on you for taking these steps.

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Just wanted to update. I never followed through on pressing further charges on my husband. I had long stopped going to the domestic abuse counseling. I still see the same blessed Tdoc regularly. 

Things are worse because now he is hitting and threatening to the children. So I have resumed domestic abuse counseling once again. I have also shared what is going on with a trusted family member, who wants me to call the police and have husband arrested next time it happens.

I keep making excuses as to why I can't take action now. But it shouldn't really matter..because when it's time to make that call, there will always be a holiday, a birthday, some special event, work being done on the house, or a commitment I've made and some reasonable explanation why now isn't a good time. 

I am starting to feel tired of making excuses.

What about me? Why do I try to rate and value all these up and coming occasions as being more important than me and the children? 

I do feel bad about my sis-in-law. She lives with us. She is finishing college, her parents are both dead and she has no where else to go. I enjoy her presence very much here, and it hurts me to do this to her. Also, I worry she will think I'm crazy for doing this, because my husband does not show the full extent of his violence in front of her. 

I still need to make myself and my kids priority, though.  

I hate how I don't trust my own instincts for making the right decisions. And that I believe I'm the one who's selfish and behaving irrationally. 

I will continue to update.

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On 3/15/2017 at 11:27 PM, Teacup said:

Things are worse because now he is hitting and threatening to the children.

Oh Teacup. I am so sorry.

You  have GOT to tell the police now. Do it now.

YOu are the priority here. And your children are getting hurt. They do not deserve a life like this.
You do not deserve a life like this. NO ONE does.
 

Thinking about what to do is MUCH MUCH harder then it will be when you finally do it. You will wonder why in the world you never did before.

Grab your relative, tell the authorities.  Protect your children. Do it for them. 

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Teacup, get out of there before something happens that you can't rationalize.

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Teacup, I keep re-reading your post.

You are making excuses for NOT keeping your kids alive and safe and happy.
 

Turn off your mind and get out.

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@Teacup, I speak from sad personal experience from being with an abuser in the past.......Your husband is escalating dangerously.

If one of your kids tells a teacher or counselor about this at school, or if a teacher or school nurse sees any suspicious looking bruises or injuries on your kids, they are legally REQUIRED to report this kind of thing to Child Protective Services (CPS).

And then, CPS CAN remove your children from you, unless you:

1) get out of there immediately with your kids, or

2) file charges against him, and get a protective order to remove him from your home.

This is the cold, hard, truth.....CPS COULD step in if you don't take some action, and they could take your kids.

What I ended up doing was filing charges and getting a protective order, to have him removed from the house, because at the time, the house we were living in, was in my name.

I still got my child support, and sole custody--I had my child support garnished from his wages, so I didn't have to deal with him anymore.

Was this easy?--Hell no....But I didn't want my daughter growing up in this kind of toxic environment....Fortunately she doesn't remember any of the incidents, since she was still a toddler when I finally had his butt kicked out.

His welfare is no longer any of your concern--don't feel sorry for him.

Don't delay...........Get out NOW with your kids, or have him removed from your home NOW by filing charges and getting a protective order.....Even if you're not thinking of yourself, think of your children.....

Edited by CrazyRedhead

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Teacup, get out now! This is not going to get better. You owe it to your kids to protect them even if you don't want to protect yourself. Kids should have the right to be kids without having to deal live in fear all the time. And you too deserve to live a better life.

If you don't want to file criminal charges then fine, but get out. There just isn't any other option.

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I'm trying to finish school so I can get a job.  Meanwhile, I have safety plans in place.  Thank you for your concern. I feel ashamed.  He had a major medical condition happen over the summer.  Thankfully he is fully recovered, as well as undergoing lifestyle changes for his physical health. Unfortunately, he is still unwilling to go to counseling.  He still belittles me and tells me that I don't contribute much with my social security check when I certainly pay bills and buy groceries and care for the children.  When I used to work, he said the same thing then, that my contributions were meager, and unhelpful.  I don't expect much to change if I stay.  Once again, I have safety plans if a situation arises.   

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@Teacup last night my husband of three years hit me for the first time. It was our three year anniversary, he was drinking to all hours and our toddler was up sick.

I googled for other peoples experiences and found yours. I really hope you are ok. X

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@Ladybella, are you all right? Did you call the police? Do you have someone IRL that you can talk to, or go to if needed?

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On 2/2/2014 at 11:33 PM, Teacup said:

What happens after they arrest him? He sits in jail for a few days then they let him go? Does he have to be bailed out? Does it go on his record and does it affect his job?

He must be arraigned and have the charges against him read publicly. The judge will set bail amounts if he is eligible for bail. Arrest records are generally public information as is a transcript of what happened in court. So work is capable of getting this info. I can't predict what his work will do, no one can. Usually domestic violance cases of some kinds are protected or the victims name redacted so the public can't see them or only see a redacted version. This varies by state.

Edited by notloki
he to him

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