Twisted, Moody, and Sweet

[KittenKlawz]

I'm an elementary music teacher for a public school system, which can cause the Crazies all on its own.  I love my job.  Mostly.  I essentially sing and entertain for a living.  I do play a number of instruments; piano is my number one favorite, although I can play violin and harp as well.  

 

I'm a mom of two little girls who are sweet and wonderful and funny.  I'm a proud mom.  My kids don't throw tantrums or throw things or scrap with one another.  They don't turn up their noses at my cooking.  They are frighteningly smart and I am amazed at how happy they can make me on a daily basis.  The cat is safe around them, so that's good too.  

 

I'm divorced (twice), moderately aged, and dating a younger guy.  He's delicious and the girls adore him; we're in love.  Also a good situation the majority of the time.

 

The reason these forums were recommended to me (by my best friend) was because recently some issues long buried have cropped up.  I'm having some nasty symptoms that by all indications are PTSD.  I get severe depression where only my children and the obligation to work keep me going.  I refuse to take medication; yes, I have been to counseling.  The depression is partly due to my painful history as a rape survivor, and partly due to grieving the loss of two babies to miscarriage (and the second one almost killed me, literally, while my husband at the time just demanded his supper...he's an EX husband now because of that).  

 

Heavy stuff, I know, I know.  But I'm pretty twisted, as the title says, and stronger than people usually give me credit for.  I can be sweet; that's my fallback position.  Moody?  Absolutely.  I'm just trying to deal with the bodies I unearthed.  Zombie memories and nightmares and flashbacks.  But if these forums can give me the right tools to chainsaw the zombies and put them to rest....  flamethrowers anybody?....  then the effort to banter here will be worth it.

 

C'est moi, in a nutshell.

[Mr_Turtle]

Hi KittenKlawz,

 

I'm so sorry you've been through such horrible things. I can't begin to imagine how awful a rape and two miscarriages must have been. Your ex-husband sounds like the worst kind of arsehole to exist.

 

It sounds like you are very strong but could use some more support - I hope you find it here. Are you still undergoing counselling?

 

- Mr Turtle

[olga]

Welcome to CB.  I ask all newbies to read the rules---you can find them at the bottom of the page on the right.

 

I think music is so important in elementary school, and it sounds like you teach it with a lot of joy.

 

Don't be afraid to ask questions.  I hope we can provide some support as you work through your PTSD issues and work to maintain your stability.

 

olga

[Mary123]

hi thar!

Good to meet you   We're pretty good at the whole support shtick 'round these parts.

My name is Mary and I can relate  to your daily life in BIG BIG ways- I'm here if you need an ear!

-Mary

[Boy_interrupted]

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you've been through such horrible things.

Still I hope you will find some help here, and meet some people who can understand.

[neptunesky]

kittenklaz, i throw tantrums at my mum and have done from birth to 26 and have done when i get ill, she has learned not to take it personally, i don't mean to be a bad daughter, i would do anything for my mum, including give her one of my kidneys and my life. When i'm well i make her drinks and help her.

 

My illness has been difficult for her and i don't like it when im told im ungrateful or not a good daughter.

Edited February 8, 2014 by neptunesky

[Wooster]

Everyone knows that if you're killing zombies, you have to go for the head.

 

Welcome to CB.

 

I hope you find useful things and helpful people here.

[Indigo 'n dye]

Everyone knows that if you're killing zombies, you have to go for the head.

I did not know that! Now I do...

 

Welcome KittyKlaz, you should fit right in here at CB.

[KittenKlawz]

Thanks for the responses.  I try to convince myself I'm strong; my traumatic experiences just won't die and go 'way.  (Zombies!!!)

 

My ex husband was (and still is) an arsehole.  I could pen a nonfiction series about his extreme narcissism and abuse...but he'd love all that attention, so screw that.  

 

Not in counseling currently; most counselors aren't open in the evenings when I am free to see them, soooo...support groups it is.  (Mary, I plan on PMing you if that's all right.)  Opening Pandora's Box has not been fun the last few months, for anybody close to me.  I think I'm looking mainly for coping mechanisms with nasty critters like flashbacks and lucid nightmares.  Oh, and depression.  All of that fun stuff.

 

Incidentally, I'm still up in the air about nipple clamps, but totally into handcuffs.  

[San]

Hi Kitten! Welcome to CB, glad to have you. You sure sound like you have an interesting life! You ARE strong, even with the experiences. Singing and entertaining for a living? How many people can get up on stage and do that? Not me!

 

And a teacher in music.. I remember high school music, we had a blast and loved our teacher with all our heart. It was our kind of sanctuary, we would hang out in the music area whenever we could. I played trumpet and drums and sung alto in choir! I loved it! Sorry, nostalgia. But everyone loves the music teacher. 

 

Sounds like you've got some good kids!

 

I'm sorry about the trauma. But you sound like such a positive person from your intro. And strong. That definitely helps. That's just me reading what you wrote, I'm not a med professional, but I think you'll like it here. 

 

Handcuffs, nipple clamps, its all good here! The nipple clamps are just easier to get off!

 

So welcome to CB, and post away. Starting a blog could be a good idea for you too, just blog what you'd like, when you'd like.